It's like drowning. Trying to accept this is something I will have forever

[MsV]

Hello everyone,

I really just want to try and connect with others who understand.

Depression is like drowning in a swamp of concrete blackness. Even when you manage to resurface - and stay up there for what, a week, a month...whatever, eventually it drags you down into its abyss again.

The swamp knows me well as it's had me for about 18 years now. I've tried numerous medications...I've done the whole natural stuff...to no avail. 

My plan is to come off my antidepressant next, because, although it helped for about 2 months, I'm back to square one. I have zero interest in any form of intimacy (I literally feel "nothing" at the thought of sex), feel absolutely no connection to others, to the point of utter detachment and disconnection, and just feel I have a proverbial black fog encased across my brain. Antidepressants work for only a short time, until they need to be 'upped', but there's no way in hell I want to go on 100mg, just to function and eventually feel even more detached in 6 months' time.

I love going to the gym...and exercise at least 4 times a week, but the mental benefits only seem to last about 2 hours. If excessive exercise isn't helping, anti-depressants aren't working, then I really don't know what else to do here.

My other plan is to see a shrink, just to talk it through. I am really at my wits end and it is now starting to affect my marriage. If it does break, I will never forgive myself. My husband is supportive - to a point - but apparently this is "my problem" and I'm the "only one" who can fix US. Talk about pressure, right?

I'm getting to the point of thinking there is only one permanent solution to all of this. No wonder it gets to this stage, because this sickness remains such a stigma - this is why I can only come *here* and 'be' with people who may understand.

Has anybody else experienced some of the above, if not all of it? I'd love to hear your feedback. Anybody else experience relationship breakdowns because you have just become a disconnected being who is simply floating indifferently through life?

Thank you for 'listening'. 🙂

[Jo3]

Hi MsV

I found suffering from childhood sexual abuse and depression a very difficult and confusing issue.  I can sympathise with you in that my depression has affected intimacy with my husband to the point that sex, to me is just a chore to keep him happy.  It is a long road. But i am starting to work through my intimacy issue with my psych who is fantastic, supportive and caring.

I feel that it would be good if you did some a professional eg. psych for some help.  I have been seeing one for the past 3 yrs and i have improved from where i was 3 yrs ago.  It's great to see you are going to the gym so often - that does make a difference mentally and even if you feel good for a little while - that is still great.

I know what you mean about your husband saying it's your problem.  I have a similar issue where my husband won't read any info on depression or borderline personality disorder or won't even come to a session with me.  So my psych suggested that i concentrate on myself first and then we'll deal with the "us" issue.

I hope this helps a bit, i often don't really know what to write but this is from my own experience,

Hope to talk again, stay strong and seek support.

Jo

[giggles]

Hi MV"s

Well yes I get it and remember how that felt but to have it for 18yrs is somewhat daunting to haunting aye.

You certainly deserve to be happy I recall what it was like coming back into reality and believe me it was like being a child experiencing ice cream being cold for the first time.

If the meds are not working at all then I think I would be looking seriously at other methods like spiritualism but it does not mean to come of the meds or try natural things.Which one is off course what you are attracted too sometimes that can just bring different thinking people into your life that makes it easier because you may find that they get you and understand because of their experiences with not fitting in.

I meet a lady who ended up going to a church after she divorced her husband and she said it was the best thing she ever did because it taught her personal spiritual freedom and she had never been happier. NOT suggesting you do that he was a heavy drinker and it killed him in the end.Not her though.

All the best and I hope you will find out what is going to work for you.

Giggles

[vip]

Hi MsV totally 100% having everything in common with your post. I have suffered with depression for 22 years and attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived it. I was on a really high dosage of medication to eventually a low one and now nothing at all. But i see my psych regularly i too go to the gym everyday and i volunteer a lot i find by helping others this lifts my confidence up. I have attended marriage counselling with my husband for issues like intimacy ect. Nothing to be ashamed of here use all the professional advice out there to help you get better. I know you are a bit worried about upting the amount of antidepressant but speak to a gp if you only feel good 2 hrs in a day that is not really good enough. High dosage wont make you feel like a zomby i actually found no difference to a high or low dosage at all. Your not alone here well done for sharing your story hope i could help you out here. Take care

[MsV]

Thank you, Jo. I've seen psychologists and psychiatrists in the past, but I guess I have yet to find one I really connect with and trust.

I'm only accepting the fact that that I need help and cannot do this alone. For somebody who is fiercely independent and doesn't like to ask for help, that can be a huge and daunting step!

Thank you so much for your feedback. It has helped. 🙂 Thank you. xoxoxoxo

[MsV]

Thank you, Giggles. I have often though about spirituality. Thank you for your thoughts and feedback. xoxo

[geoff]

dear MsV, I am sorry to hear this, but I can totally relate to what you are saying.

My ex tried to help me after my suicide attempt, but before all of this she was sleeping in another room, oblivious of my depression or the want to help me, she didn't care, but reality hit home when I tried to end my life.

She then tried to make me overcome depression, but you can't make anybody to do this, it just takes it's course, and whether that's 10 years or 2 months, you can't make them happy.

It then got to the stage where she said she couldn't help me any longer and moved out of the house, which then divorced our marriage.

In some ways this was strange because she suffered from PND for a number of years, but that was different to me with depression, because it involved someone else, and not her.

Depression and/or antidepressants can affect any desire for intimacy, and the belief that if you have sex will cure you straight away is rubbish, but that's what my ex tried on me, believing that it would bring me back to earth, but no it was no good.

L Geoff. x