So, this post is a long time in the making! The reason I've not done anything about how I feel is because I just can't explain how I feel exactly. I think I'm depressed and I think it's getting worse, although I do wonder if it's just me being lazy so that I don't have to achieve anything in my life, like maybe I'm making it all up to explain why after almost 32 years of existence I still haven't achieved anything.
I can't recall a time in the last 15 years where I've been happy for an extended period of time. I asked my Dr many years ago why I felt awful, couldn't sleep & had a constant tightness in my chest and he said it was because "I was going through a rough patch in my life" as I was in a terrible relationship, hated my job and things with my friends were starting to change. I figured he was probably right and that things would get better.
Anyway, fast forward to today and things aren't better and have hardly gotten better since then. My boyfriend of 4 years says I'm the most negative person he has ever known!! This is coming from the person who loves me the most in the world, who doesn't want to be without me. Though I don't know why, I'm so awful to him at times I make him cry & make him feel bad about himself to take the spotlight off of me! I feel so lost sometimes that I just cry. Some days are good, some are great, and some are just down right awful. I don't share my feelings with my partner or my family as I just can't talk about this stuff and I feel like I've been acting "Ok" for such a long time around them that I don't know how to be truthful, although there is a long line of depression in my family. I hate the thought of coming across as weak and I don't want to share my feelings with them, I guess that's why I came here instead.
My current situation is this: Unemployed after losing my job last year, (I had a job for about 3 months that made me so anxious I was physically sick for the entire time & couldn't handle it so had to resign, even though my boss told me she didn't want me to because I was doing such a great job!), absolutely no income & having to borrow from my partner to pay my personal bills so now in debt, applying for jobs and getting absolutely no response (studying online in the meantime), sleeping patterns drastically changed so bed at 5am and up at 11am or 12pm, no motivation to do anything, anxious to talk on the phone or to go out, living in a town where I have no friends but unable to make friends as anything social is getting harder & harder for me and it goes on and on.
There are so many more things going on I could talk about but I've gone on long enough. I just don't know where to start. I feel like my "normal" or "happy" feelings are neither normal nor truly happy, but I can't remember not being like this. I see people who seem genuinely happy and I know that's not how I feel. I don't want to act anymore, it's exhausting lying to people who care about you. It feels awful to tell your mother that "Things are great" when earlier that morning you were disappointed that you actually woke up.
Even now I've sat for 10 minutes contemplating whether to push the Post this thread button because I'm afraid it's the wrong thing to do! I'm pushing it now & hope that someone out there might be able to offer my some kind of insight! Thanks in advance
