Is there a way to be free from guilt?

[Elegance_and_euphoria]

A few years ago my mother attempted suicide. Since then I have been dealing with immense guilt. Everyday I walk around knowing I'm not enough to make her want to live and I know it's selfish to think like that but I can't help it. No matter what I do now, it all feels pointless, I feel pointless. Nothing, including me, feels real or important anymore. I tried talking to a councillor at school about it but she didn't help. I can't talk to my mother about it as she already has enough on her plate. I can't tell my friends about it as I don't want to burden them with my baggage. I just need someone to talk to. Every time I see her face I feel guilty, I think about all the things I could possibly have done to make her want to stick around a bit longer. I've contemplated suicide myself but I could never do it to her or the rest of my family. I'm not mad at her for what she did, or rather, tried to do. I'm mad at myself for not doing anything, though I'm not sure I could have done anything at the age of 13. I don't feel real anymore...

[Sophie_M]

Hi Elegance and euphoria,

Thank you for showing such bravery in sharing this with us today. We know it's not easy but it is so important. You've come to a safe, non-judgmental place where members give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health. We want you to know we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Please know help is always available to you and that things can get better. We hope you'll find the conversation here helpful. You might also like to reach out to one of the qualified mental health professionals at our support service who you can call any time 44/7 on 1300 22 4636. Kids Helpline also offers 24/7 webchat counselling for anyone aged 25 or under if you'd feel more comfortable communicating that way: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

Please keep checking in with us to let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Elegance and euphoria

Welcome and I am so sorry that you are going through this pain and these feelings of not being enough. I kind of know how you feel, I lost my brother to suicide last year, he was 19. So some of the very relevant questions and feelings you have I suppose are similar to mine. Why are we not good enough? Why didn't you know you were/are loved? Don't you love us? Why didn't you ask us for help? I imagine these are some of the things that go through your mind too.

I can share with you some of the things that I have learnt, while they may not relate, they just might. I saw a counsellor after my brother died and I was very lucky in that she connected. Some of the things she taught me I am sure that you have heard before but they are not just words, they are actually real:

She made me understand that mostly people who end their life mostly want the pain to end, not their life, but they see no other choice.

They feel like they are a massive burden to loved ones and that life would be better for others if they are not around, that they are actually doing us a favour.

That there was nothing I could have done differently on that day, this was his choice and if I could have stopped it I would have, I was not given that choice.

They do love us very much and believe they are doing the right thing by us.

I also learnt some wonderful things on this forum too, by reaching out to people who have survived attempts, who have also lost loved ones to suicide, and that is that this is not about you, it is about them. It is a hard message to understand and to accept as it effects the people left behind so desperately so how is this not about us??? As I mentioned before, those who are wanting to take their life mostly think that they are doing people a favour, that they are a burden and that life would be better for every one if they were not here.

I hear what you are saying in that you do not feel enough, you are more than enough and this is actually not about how you mum does not love you or want you, she does so very much, she perhaps believes that you are better off with out her.

I hope your mum and your family are doing OK and that you do have some counselling support. As Sophie_M mentioned, Kids Helpline are so wonderful.

You are loved and you matter.. you are not selfish at all, just a person who is hurting and who is looking for answers...the same as me!

We are here to support you and we care.

I hope to chat some more to you

Hugs

Sarah