Is there a good life for someone so fundamentally broken?

[Korvyn]

Cause I struggle to believe there is, I am a 24 year old assigned at birth male that identifies as non-binary and believes to be trans but is unable to outwardly express it or even transition due to the dangers that presents in my current living situation, I live at my parents home and it's a real toxic environment as the both of them resent me and are abusive to me, each other and my other siblings cause they feel so entitled to do so. My siblings don't care for me much either almost all having already left the house and to leave estranged to them and their families, I remain with the youngest sibling whom of which wants nothing to do with me due to my numerous conditions making me very unapproachable, I suffer from numerous disorders most of which I only suspect and resonate with as I cannot get them diagnosed due to again, said risks that may occur if my parents were to find out as they're anti-medical science due to it conflicting with their fanatical conservative beliefs that getting help is a sign of failure and weakness. Predominately I suffer from a severe eczema condition that leaves my skin incredibly agitated every waking moment, rapidly developing chronic pains all over my body (focused mainly on my arms but the pain can surge anywhere badly too at times), a very compromised immune system, some form of ADHD or similar neurodivergent condition and so on that I can thank my parents for due to real poor genes, I have seemed to have lucked out as my siblings don't have as many conditions as I have as it appears I have copped the brunt of it. I've drawn a really short straw on life it seems and on-top of all of that I am just not a very capable human being and I can't stand it, I am a real sight for sore eyes that leads to a lot of looks when my grotesque body passes by in public spaces, I am very uncoordinated, unable to focus on tasks, I struggled at school due to homelife and being unable to discipline myself leaving me a incredibly stupid waste of space with my grades were staggering low and failing to get my ATAR and only just barely scrapping by my HSC which led to being unable to find work so I lack experience and unable to support myself. I hate the skin I'm in I've tried accepting it but it's just not going to happen but I simply don't have the means or strength to do anything about it and even if I did, everyone around me would make life even more miserable so that just feels wonderful in it's self, I have no support or friends.

[Korvyn]

I try though; try to find work, make friends, be happy and active, have goals in life (I recently wanted to be an artist and graphics designer but I cannot even motivate myself to pick up a pencil and put something on paper) and it all just feels like it's not supposed to be and never will be. Tend to believe I am just destined to be a miserable failure cause someone has to be, I see through creatives works their fulfilling lives and friendships in the spaces I used to be interested which was tabletop games (namely role-playing games) as it provided brief escapism from reality but once people started to know me, realised how problematic I am despite trying my hardest to be good company but once again, failing to do so. I used to be interested in that space but like everything else before it, I no longer am cause the delusion of me actually belonging somewhere once again faded and started to hurt and be alone again once more, there's a big wall between me and the rest of the world it seems and I'm only able to see through the cracks of light. Where I reside in the dark is awful and if I call out I scare people away from the wall as there's a monster behind the dark cracks leaving me alone again once more and it's getting all too much to bear, I believe I can make a good case in applying for voluntary assisted dying due to how much of a struggle my conditions are in living with although I can only see myself screwing that up as well.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Korvyn,    

This is Sophie from the Beyond Blue moderation team. Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing such a brave and open first post.

We can hear it’s been a difficult time, and we’re glad you could share it here with others who can relate to what you’re going through.  We wanted to reach out and say thank you for sharing on the forums today, and to check in with you to make sure that you’re ok.    We wanted to let you know that is something you could discuss with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue, whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support 

If you ever feel unsafe, the number to call is 000.   Thank you again for posting, it’s a great step to have taken. There’s lots of lovely people on the forums who may be able to relate.    Kind regards,   Sophie M   

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Korvyn,

I just wanted to say from reading your posts that you show that you are a really sensitive and intelligent person. Most importantly, you are a worthy person. You may feel that you struggled and barely scraped by at school, but I can tell that has nothing to do with your level of ability. Such struggles are often a reflection of the circumstances we've grown up in and the obstacles we've had to deal with, not us as people. I think the chronic health issues you describe, along with the possible ADHD/neurodivergence, can often be present when life has been hard in childhood onwards. I developed fibromyalgia at 13 and now have an autoimmune condition, and I know both are linked to complex trauma issues from childhood. I also have ADHD/neurodivergent type issues which I believe are also at least partly the result of the same circumstances, even though some of it may also be genetic/epigenetic. In your case, if your family are conservative and not accepting of you for who you are, that is going to affect you on multiple levels, including your health and wellbeing. Even things like being able to concentrate on tasks can be affected by growing up in a non-accepting environment.

You are courageous for posting here and I want you to know you are not alone. Many people struggle with their sense of self for various reasons. I am wondering if there is some kind of support you can find with a counsellor or psychologist, perhaps one who is experienced in counselling people who are non-binary and trans who will get the struggles you are going through. I realise this may present challenges with your family who aren't accepting of reaching out for help. I don't know if there is any way of doing this without involving them, but you could always try contacting the BB helpline or chat and see if they have any ideas of how you might be able to get some support. Feeling like you have some kind of support can make a big difference.

Please know you are heard here and you are a worthy human being deserving of good things.

Take care,

ER

[Korvyn]

Involving my parents into potentially getting help isn't going to work, instead a sure fire way of suffering even more; that's not going to happen and I wish they were gone cause they're the reason why I am so awful and beyond any repair, so what's the point of seeking 'professional' help? I've tried for 5 years and ended up with so much of what little money I have gone and a lot of time and stress dealt with putting up with that, I never was heard or get any help and I'm done with it all, the health system here is so damn broken and they only care about their bottomline which is money. Truth of the matter seems to be things are only gonna get worse, I'm not deserving of any love or care which is evident in why I'm so alone as even by myself, I wish I wasn't stuck with me it's such a dreadful ordeal.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Korvyn,

 I understand the difficulty with your parents. I know it’s really, really hard when you are that low. But it is possible to come back from a place that feels so terrible. About 17 years ago I lost everything because I developed severe pain that was so debilitating I could not even walk as far as the lounge room on many days. I could no longer work and I lost all my savings. I ended up with $1.23 in my bank account and remember going hungry and living on oats for days until the next Centrelink payment came in. It felt like my life was completely over and there was no hope. I had toxic issues with my family too so I was completely alone.

But, little by little I found small things to hold onto and keep me going. I read books that interested me, I learned some meditation practices for managing pain and after a while I was able to go to a singing group. It was for people who had always wanted to sing but didn’t feel confident at it, which was me. I picked up my guitar again. Initially I was writing poems about how I felt but then I started to write songs that I put music to. It was gradual but I did begin to heal. After three years of being on extremely strong pain meds I was able to greatly reduce them. I re-entered life after I thought it was all over.

I’m just explaining all that to try and convey that it can feel like hope is gone. But it’s finding even just one bit of help that can be the catalyst for things to gradually start turning around. It could be just talking to a counsellor on a helpline to begin with, if you feel able to talk. I know it can be hard to get the words out sometimes but that’s completely ok. I actually called a helpline yesterday because of stuff I’m going through and I was stumbling a lot to speak at the beginning. But the person I was talking to was kind and gradually I was able to express myself better and better. I felt more settled afterwards and a lot less alone.

There is the BB helpline and also the Kids Helpline actually helps young people up to the age of 25. I know you’re not a kid but you are within the age bracket, and they do provide support in relation to things like family issues. There is also The Blue Knot Foundation who deal with complex trauma. That’s who I spoke to yesterday and the person was gentle and supportive. It’s free to call these services.

I grew up with a Mum who didn’t accept me as a girl. I was a girl but she was so uncomfortable with that she dressed me as a boy for quite a few years and would cut my hair short. I felt terrible in myself. So although my situation is not exactly like yours, I know what it’s like when a parent doesn’t accept you as you are and wants you to be something different. I have survived through that and you can too. I felt unloveable but I know now that isn’t true, and you are worthy of love too.

[Korvyn]

Things are just getting worse, I am so done being just so unapologetically useless every tome I see hideous form in the mirror I am repulsed and reminded of what I am, strangers in public see the same thing and give me looks or pretend I'm not there, hearing my voice makes me wince and just seeing my own disgusting hairy arms, legs and protruding gut makes me feel even worse. Everything is getting even harder to do or justify even trying and no one can ever help change this, an inconvenient truth that I live is that I simply deserve all of the horrid stuff I've had to contend with past and present, there's no future for me and even if there was it will even more miserable and pathetic.