Is it me?

Herenow

I don't understand. From the outside I have everything you could want but why do I have nothing? For the third day now I've been trying to have some 'fun time' with my wife but that door gets slammed shut (figoratively). After this mornings attempt was rejected I slammed the door and went to work (at home). Then the younger kid started whinging and carrying on and picking fights with the older kid and then started bothering my wife. She completely lost her shit and has driven off somewhere to calm down.

We just got back from holiday overseas. Everything was okayish... but somewhere along the line I had a tiff with my wife. The short of it is that I noticed that I was never being asked to join a photo (just her on her own doing a selfie or her and both kids. I complained that it looked like she was having a holiday on her own without me. I complained that she hugs the kids more than me, that she never tries to hold my hand, and that she hasn't said 'I love you' since I don't know when. I feel like I'm chasing her all the time and although I was getting some intimacy it seems rather one sided.

Our youngest kid (10) has definitely got some sort of mental issue going on. Either ADHD or ODD, with some sort of anxiety and impulsiveness thrown in. He's always loud, always annoying, and frankly drives us to the edge every day. He's a brilliant kid - but also intolerable. My wife has been against getting him officially diagnosed although her stance on that has softened over the holiday.

The dr just prescribed my wife melatonin just before the holidays and said she has some depression going on. The melatonin ran out on the 30th decebmer and she has not yet had a renewal (not sure if that contributed to this mornings tiff). On occasion in the past (maybe once a year or every two years) she's had a blow up and wanted to leave our 'family'. I'm thinking that may have been undiagnosed depression in light of the recent diagnosis but I don't know. The older kid is the polar opposite. When the younger one is finished with something in 5 minutes - it takes the older one an hour. Take dinner for example - its virtually impossible to eat because the younger one is finished before we start, and then the older one takes an hour after everyone has finished. Just sitting at the dinner table involves stress. And noise and shouting (95% from the younger kid).

Up until a few years ago I had a high stress job in my own business and my wife (and other's) worked for me. I feel like in that time in the past I neglected my wife as I was stressed out. At some point in time we seem to have become employer and employee rather than husband and wife. Although that was years ago now, I feel like the effects of that are still ongoing. We still work together. I've been suggesting my wife should go and get a job (so that she gets out of the house and sees something different) but she seems to have lost all self worth and has anxiety about leaving the house and whether she can perform the job.

I'm trying to fix this but I can't. I love my wife but not sure if its reciprocal. Does she even love me or is she just exhausted from the kid. Why is everything wrong? Why is life like this? Why am I sitting here crying? What did I do to deserve this?

indigo22

Hello Herenow,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry life feels so difficult for you at present, you have a lot going on and it can become overwhelming.

From the perspective of someone outside looking in, I can see a few things that need to be addressed.

First, please understand that this is not a judgement, but if your wife is dealing with depression and has run out of medication, she is likely in no frame of mind for fun, intimacy or anything else. She is probably doing the best she can to get through the day without having a meltdown. Depression is exhausting and doesn't leave much room for anything else. Please try to encourage her to see her doctor again about her medication, stopping medication for depression abruptly can make the depression worsen. So yes, it could have been the trigger for your tiff.

I also think that you both could benefit from seeing a counsellor, either as a couple or individually, your GP can set up a mental health plan for each of you.

I think the underlying tension between you and your wife is what is causing the younger child to act out. They are very sensitive to the atmosphere around them. Getting a diagnosis for your child would be helpful so you know exactly what you are working with. It means you can learn more about how your child thinks and reacts and may help you find ways to keep the home more peaceful because you know how best to deal with certain behaviours.

With regard to mealtimes, I was always the slow eater, even to this day, and it is a good thing from a health perspective. The more time we take with meals, the easier it is for the body to digest the food. I also know many who virtually vacuum their food but don't have any issues because their metabolism is different. If I try to eat fast I always pay a price for it. I think you need to try to be understanding about the differences in your two children and accept that mealtimes will just be that way. I am sure your slow eater would not be offended if you started cleaning up before they are finished their meal.

I had an older brother who would get really frustrated watching me eat, he was always up for more food after he finished his meal and would eventually ask me "are you going to finish that?" If I was hungry, I would say yes but occasionally when I wasn't as hungry, I would give him some and he would be more than happy to devour it for me 😄. As you can see, your situation is not that unusual.

I think you just have some things to work out so that life is less stressful for all of you.

Please feel free to continue the conversation,

indigo

Herenow

Hi indigo,

Thanks for your response. I certainly agree with you on the points you made. Today's tiff is relatively inconsequential. However, this has been going on for a long time. I honestly don't remember the last time I heard 'I love you' back. How many times can you say I love you and receive a blank stare back? Today she said the only reason she hasn't killed herself yet is because of 'obligation' to me and the kids. That's what our relationship boils down too 'obligation'. I feel like I've been giving and giving and I've reached the stage where I can't give anymore. I'm gived out. By the way this is also the first I've heard about her having any suicidal thoughts because she also doesn't talk to me anymore on that level. I want to be there and provide support but its like trying to hug a cactus. Somehow, with her 'obligation' she seems to manage to pull herself together enough to hug the kids though. I feel like she would prefer to walk over hot coals than confide or accept any assistance from me.

Tonight we sleep in separate rooms which is killing me already. The only time we've slept in separate rooms in the last 15 years is when one of us is sick.

With the kids - the meals is just an example. It's honestly everything. One kid was born to finish anything within seconds and the other is just slow. Every single damn thing ends up as a battle. One kids finished, bored, and moved on, the other is not ready until way overdue. Just leaving the house is a 30 min battle. One kid was ready but got bored of waiting and started something new. The other kid is not ready yet. Finally when I've corralled them to the door, then the wife isn't ready and by the time I've turned around the kids are gone again. And its not just that either - it's every single goddamn thing. I just cant anymore.

We need counseling as a couple, the wife and kid need therapy, I'm exhausted and depressed, and nobody's willing to try to work on it (except me and I've hit a dead end).

I also don't think melatonin is an antidepressant. It's only to help her sleep. I assume the Dr's reasoning is that her mood will improve with proper sleep. I don't know. Maybe I should go with her next time to the Dr but I don't think she will be very enthusiastic about that.

I see my life crashing and burning like a slow motion train wreck. I got nothing. Maybe I should go to the Dr too as I haven't been assessed for depression yet. I don't know - maybe I have it, maybe its just this damn situation getting me down. Maybe its all in my head.

Herenow

Hi Indigo,

Following on from above - I'm not even sure what a counsellor can do. Today - I think we both said all there was to say. She said a few things about being unable to cope but other than that She's still locking me out - not willing to share any more. It's the same wall I'm always met with. Unless the counsellor has magic fairy dust I really don't see any point as the communication is one sided anyway.

therising

Hi Herenow

I think it's not until we're finally forced to mentally break everything down that we begin to have what is a constructive mental breakdown. Being able to break down everything that's come to add up over time can help reverse the direction we're headed in. On the other hand, and I can say this from personal experience, a destructive mental breakdown without anyone to help us make sense of what's come to add up can become incredibly depressing. It can more so become a list of everyone and everything that's against us or brings us down. The list can grow and grow over time.

I can't help but wonder whether part of what your wife's experiencing involves a developing list of reasons as to why life feels unbearable and depressing. With such a list, there's all the obvious stuff and then there can be the kind of things that aren't at all obvious. Just a couple of examples

While it's obvious how energy zapping a lack of good quality sleep can be, it may not be so obvious when it comes to all the chemical processes in the body that are deficient because of a lack of this kind of sleep. A depressing level of deficiency in a variety of areas throughout the body can be the result
While it's obvious when it comes to how exhausting it can become when serving everyone around us, what may not be so obvious is how incredibly depressing the people pleaser in us can be at times. While we may be thinking 'Everyone around me gets a break. I desperately want and need a break', the people pleaser in us may dictate 'If you serve yourself, everyone's going to suffer. You can't have a break'. Couple that with our sometimes brutal inner critic which can top that off with 'You're a horrible person if you leave others to suffer'

I've found depression can be quite complex. It doesn't always just involve internal chemistry issues/imbalances, it can also involve incredibly demanding and brutal inner dialogue and not being able to feel life running through us. It's that 'dead inside' feeling, without enough energy to feel. It can even go so far as to feel soul destroying.

I think it's incredibly important to have people in our life who can help us with constructive breakdowns, help us make sense of how things have come to add up and how we can be suffering under the weight of all these things. I'm wondering whether your wife has anyone in her life, as her go to person/guide, who can help her manage this and give her some sense of direction. If she doesn't, perhaps it could be time to consider someone who could help her do this.

Btw, it can be natural to want to self isolate when depressed. While I used to think there was something wrong with me when I'd do this within times of deep depression, what I came to eventually realise is it's a time and opportunity for deep and much needed reflection/evaluation. The side effect of going inwards is everyone gets shut out. If there's no one or nothing to pull us out of such a state, we can stay in it alone. While my 23yo daughter's one to pull me out of that and help me make greater sense of all that's come to add up, my husband's not that kind of person. He just gets upset (saddened) when I feel this way and tries to reassure me through hugging me and telling me he loves me. For this reason he's not my go to person to help me make greater sense of things. Some people are the people we go to and some people aren't. It's like how you may feel you can't go to your wife regarding how you're feeling right now but you feel you can go to the Beyond Blue forums, to look for support and a perspective that might make some difference. As I've often said to my kids throughout their life 'If you feel you can't come to me in times of great challenge, that's okay. I'll help you find the kind of person you can go to'. Maybe this is something you could offer your wife, help in finding the kind of person she really needs right now. She may come to love you for performing such an act of love. Perhaps ask her first whether she has any ideas when it comes to who this could be.

tramezzini

Reading this, I recognise myself in your wife more than you might expect.

From the inside, life can feel like constant management — children’s emotions, noise, needs, routines, health, school, the household — while trying to function as a person at the same time. There’s love for a partner, but also deep exhaustion. By the end of the day, there is often nothing left to give, even when the desire to be close is still there underneath.

When someone is depleted like this, withdrawal isn’t about punishment or lack of love. It’s about survival. Touch can start to feel overwhelming, not because it’s unwanted, but because the body and mind are already overloaded.

What’s painful is that this can be experienced on the other side as rejection, while on the inside it feels like drowning. Both people end up hurting, just in different ways.

I don’t think most women in this place stop loving their partner. I think they stop having the capacity they once had. And without support, help, rest, and shared responsibility, that gap only widens.

indigo22

Hi again Herenow,

What I am hearing is that you both are in need of some help with coping. I have been dealing with depression for more than 50 years, and I recognise the signs in both of you.

I think your wife has likely been depressed for quite some time but for whatever reason, has not addressed it with her GP. Her admission about suicidal ideation is a sign that she is at breaking point and this must be taken seriously. Her use of the word 'obligation' tells me that the only reason she is not acting on her suicidal ideation is that she realises the impact that choice would have on her family.

You are taking her words and actions personally because you are dealing with your own mental health issues. She has nothing left to give to you, all her energy is going into the children because they are not old enough to either understand or manage their own lives. In her mind, you are, and needs to reserve anything she has left at the end of the day to be able to get up and do it all again the next day. If she does not get the help and support she needs, she will eventually end up in hospital.

On the other side, you are trying to lighten her spirits without truly understanding the level of depression she is dealing with. The GP has not helped her to the extent that is needed. It is really important that she seek help again. Having said that, you also need to seek help of your own. You have been dealing with the stress that comes with work, children who can make things difficult in their own ways, and a wife that appears to not care or love you. It is not about love or lack of it for her at present, it is purely survival. The communication is one sided because you have not yet sunk to the same depths, you are still trying to fix things, but you are not the person who can fix things, she needs help from a professional who knows exactly what she is dealing with internally.

Depression is exhausting and debilitating on all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It feel like being at the bottom of a dark pit with no way of reaching the surface, there is not even a glimmer of light to guide the way out. It happens over time as things pile up to the point of overwhelm, if not addressed, suicidal ideation becomes the most obvious answer.

It is not you, it is her state of mind that is determining how she reacts to things in any given moment. Her non response when you say 'I love you', does not mean that she doesn't love you, she is in survival mode (fight, flight or freeze mode), our brain does not behave in a normal way because reasoning and thoughtfulness don't apply when you are faced with a life threatening situation. That is what the nervous system does in survival mode, it turns off the areas of the brain that are not applicable to survival. I hope this helps you to better understand what is happening with your wife. I also hope this helps you better understand where you may be headed without addressing your own needs as well with a professional. They don't have magic fairy dust, but they do have tools to help you cope with the stress and medication to help with the mental health issues.

I would be happy to answer any questions you may have,

indigo

Herenow

Thanks for your support indigo. It means a lot to me even though you're just a random with a keyboard. I'm ashamed. I offer so much advice to so many people in my profession but I can't even think straight enough to think of what to do now. Everything feels so difficult right now I just don't know if I can do anything. Can you please suggest a series of steps to get started.

indigo22

Hi Herenow,

You are welcome and it is why I am here. Do you really believe our crossing paths was random? I believe we all cross paths for a reason.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about, you are dealing with a situation you have not had to deal with before, lack of experience is nothing to be ashamed of.

I would suggest your first step is setting up an appointment with your GP and ask for a longer appointment so you have time to talk about what you have been dealing with and how it is affecting you. If your wife agrees, you could also set up another longer appointment for her at the same time or back-to-back, perhaps go to the clinic together to support each other.

Both of you need to be open and honest with your doctor and don't try to hide things because they feel uncomfortable to talk about, they cannot make an informed decision if all the information is not given.

You can talk about a mental health care plan with your GP to get the ball rolling with counselling.

Your GP may also suggest medication to assist you. Be sure to talk about what your options are and what side effects may be involved so you are not blindsided.

When you and your wife have got the help you need and are feeling more stabilised, then you can look into what may be needed for your child.

There is a reason why they advise you to put your own mask on first on flights, you can't effectively help others if you are compromised yourself.

Unclear thinking is a one of the effects of depression so be sure to ask me more questions if need be.

You've got this. Let me know how you go.

Thinking of you and your family with care,

indigo