Is depression stuck at my core?

[hope4joy]

Hi everyone, I’ve just joined up to this
forum because I’m feeling pretty alone with my depression lately. I’m in this
weird place where I’ve done a fair bit of therapy and growth stuff over the
last few years and have better skills in coping with distress and keeping
active and talking about how I feel and looking after myself physically etc BUT
at the same time I just seem to be getting sadder and sadder and in a way more
and more isolated from meaningful connections with people. So despite all my
new skills I feel further away from living and joy and life. Can anyone relate?
I’m in my mid 30s and am scared that my depression will just keep getting worse
no matter what I do. I used to have so much enthusiasm for trying to heal, but
this year I’m trying to accept I might have a life-long mental illness. But how
can I help the downward slide from getting worse...? Its like the treatments
affect the superficial parts of my depression, but at my core it doesn’t budge
:(

[Lori]

Hi hope4joy!

Welcome to the Beyondblue forums i am glad you found this and that you joined!! 

I'm sorry about the hard time that you have been going through and still are facing! Depression isn't fair not at all... and i myself have had that feeling of thinking its not going to get better i had also trued lots of stragies and medications and therapy. But can i just say after a few years of pushing myself i have finally overcome it all.

You will definitely get better and you will, unfortunately these things take time but you will get there. It takes alot of hard work and determination.. the only one standing in your way is yourself, you gotta push yourself to overcome all the negative thinking and continue to do those straigies/exercise and maybe therapy again ? Because that are all helpful ideas that can help your recovery.

Push yourself a bit and see what you can overcome and achieve you will be suprised but dont give up there is always hope for the future and i have all faith in you that you can do this.

Stay strong and keep fighting!!!

-Lori 🙂

[hope4joy]

Hi Lori,

thanks for your welcome and optimistic words. I guess that is what's happened lately, I've lost hope and lost the energy to keep trying treatments/ meds etc. But I guess at the same time I do have a few things that are going okay and even well in my life, which i'm grateful for. Its just so hard when you try so hard and put in so much energy to getting better and changing and then find you're still a skeleton of your former self. And I guess for me there is the whole time is ticking thing recently because I'd like to have kids but depression is keeping me from that right now, I need to be better first, but biologically I don't have much time left for that to be possible. Yeah depression isn't fair and its a horrible life experience - before i always hoped i'd be a better person for getting through it - now i'd just like to get through it and get some level of normalcy back in my life. Anyways, thanks again for connecting, I really appreciate it 🙂

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Hope,

you sound so much like me. I'm in my kid 30s too and have always felt like I had a handle on this thing. That although I knew it was there I was pretty lucky and it wasn't as bad as other people had it. 

This last couple of months have been really scary because I feel my depression getting worse no matter what measures I take. Whether it be psychology, medication, exercise, interaction. I just don't feel improvement, I feel worse.

normally I would be starting to show improvement after a few weeks, but this time, nothing.

i think the thing i have come to realise is that my depression stems from something. For me I've always had some sort anxiety, even when I was very little. The depression was triggered by life events and the two have fed off each other for the last 15 years.

i get worse when things trigger me. I then avoid things and it gets worse and it's a spiral. But eventually, I have to face the thing that has triggered me. It's as scary as all hell, but I have to do it. I have to because it's the only way to begin improving.

right now I know exactly whats causing this and I am ever so carefully manouvering towards it. I think this is the hardest challenge I've had so far and it will take ever ounce of strength, but it's the only way.

if you search your thoughts, is there something that you are avoiding or are scared of? it may not be the same for you, but if it is, my advice is to face it. As hard as it may be.

i tell myself I will get better, because I've gotten better before. I have a hard time believing it right now, but I keep telling myself and so should you. Believe that you will get better.

[hope4joy]

Hey Chicken Wings,

its really nice to read your words. I'm in tears... but then we are on a depression forum... so am thinking tears are a pretty common occurrence 🙂

yeah i hear you. i believe that there is normally a little gem of wisdom in depression - well for me anyway, its hard to know about other people's triggers/ experiences etc. like there is a cause that actually needs addressing, some sort of prompt where life coming knocking saying 'um excuse me, but you're ignoring this, and i can't tolerate it anymore, you need to fix it, now'. 

i guess i know what caused this episode, i mean i find this time of year hard as uni is out on break, and so i've lost contact with lots of those people an my meaning, and also my psych is away for 6 weeks ad i hadn't realised how much i have come to rely on her. but underneath all that, it was turning 35 that caused a huge identity crisis - or maybe just crisis. it seems i'm at the cusp of being able to have a family - and thought i would have been there by now. but i'm single and struggle so much in relationships, and keep falling for guys who are already attached so find a dead end. i guess i'm struggling to accept that i might become that crazy cat lady (don't own cats yet but do love them, although am allergic!) or that eccentric spinster aunt. it just breaks my heart.

so yeah, there is truth in my episode of depression, it is saying hurry up cause something you really value and matters perhaps the most to you is rather rapidly passing by. and yet depression makes it just all the harder to connect. i'm sorry if this comes across as a rant. it just saddens me so much.

so chicken wings, how are you facing your hurdle? do you have support to help you? do you approach with baby steps. you sound very courageous in facing it. do you need any more support from here?

I hope your sunday is going okay? I'm packing the car for a camping trip, am heading off tomorrow morning. The one great thing about xmas is no longer having the stresses or responsibilities of work!!!

Hugs,

Hope/ Christina 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Christina

Good to meet you. I love your flower, so bright and sunshiny. I am hopeless at knowing the names of these things even when I have been told.

I can relate to the plateau effect of learning. Perhaps we do need to stay and consolidate at times. I don't know and I share your frustration when I'm not moving forward, or rather when it seems I'm not moving forward. Having been through an horrendous time for the past three months or so I am beginning to return to a more settled life. It occurs to me that while I could have coped better, I also could have managed worse. Perhaps all the learning I have done has had an effect on me and I have absorbed some skills that click into place, almost on auto pilot, when required. In any case I am holding on to that scenario until a better one comes along.

Being plunged into a different set of circumstances can be a huge trigger, even when you know it's coming. We are such creatures of habit that we can even miss being miserable because it has become such a part of us. And of course this is why it's so hard to change.

What do you do at uni? Are you a lecturer and on what subject. I went to uni in my 50s and had a ball, though I was terrified I would be a complete fool. I completed a degree in communication then went on to masters in ethics. Hard work but good for the brain. And all very useful for my volunteer work.

I am sorry you do not yet have your own family. What about your parents and siblings. Do you have any and do they live near you? I am in awe of you going off on a camping trip. While I have been camping it's never been my ideal relaxation. I enjoy my creature comforts too much. However, my children have always enjoyed it.

While you are away will you have access to BB. It would be nice if you could keep in touch during Christmas. Despite your sadness I do wish you a happy and blessed time.

Mary

[Hamlet_24]

Hi Hope, I know exactly how you feel. From the tone of your post you're clearly an intelligent and resilient person and I just want to say I admire your bravery. The worst part of depression is how isolating it can feel and I can certainly relate to that especially when your support system is disrupted. One thing I've learnt is that depression will always be part of you even when you're lucid, but it doesn't have to be a negative thing. If you feel like a stranger to yourself use it as a period of introspection. Reacquaint yourself with what you love and respect about yourself through friends, books, music, art anything tthat's unique to you and it'll feel like a hand has reached out and ttaken yours. There is power in pain ajd

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Christina,

Don't worry about crying here, sometimes its out of sheer relief that someone understands how you feel.

Feeling like I'm not where I'm "supposed to be" is big for me too. I just turned 35 last week and was dreading it a little. Just because I had expectations of what my life would be like by now and well, its not what I expected.
I never really thought about it that much when I was younger, I just assumed things would fall into place. Things have fallen into place, just not the place I thought they would.

Having depression really does get in the way doesn't it, its so counter productive.

Im also eagerly awaiting my next session with my psychologist. Im almost on pause waiting for it. 
I feel like I should be moving forward with my plans, but I'm pretty scared to be honest.

How am I doing it? Teeny tiny baby steps. I have my boyfriend although I feel his patience is starting wear a bit thin. And as much as your woudn't expect it, my work has been a huge support.
Each day I try and get myself going either by being active or with guided meditation. I try and keep busy during the day and when I feel well, I try and make the most of it.

I don't feel particularly courageous, I feel like a bit of an idiot if I'm honest. I should be able to just do the things I need to do.

Camping will be good. Are you going with friends or family?

[hope4joy]

Wow, hello all, and to Mary, ajd and chicken wings with your kind replies, I feel really blessed to hop back on here and see your words and experiences and questions and ideas. Thank you.

Its funny this things called depression. I just came back from camping last night, and awaiting me was a parcel from my little sis in london, and three christmas cards, two from special friends each who i met through menetal health groups, and one from my aunty in switzerland. and even though i know these people appreciate me and care about me and love me and value having me in their lives - as i do them - i just hate not being able to feel any of that connection. i swear half my life lately is just going along with what' happening and inserting the right words and gestures despite no love or feeling being behind it. i hate it how depression numbs me, drains me, fatigues me and makes me a skeleton of myself. but anyway, let me move away from that for now, because really it is too sad and upsetting, and turn instead to some replying.

Mary - thank you for your compliment about my profile pic - it is an everlasting daisy, because the leaves are so dry and papery if you pick a bunch they will last years! There were actually lots of flowers where I was camping in western NSW, including these. On the drive home I picked two, as a sort of symbolism for not being alone. I cherish flowers, they are one of my favourite things. I've gone back to uni to study visual arts - a childhood dream - and often find myself filming flowers... they seem to entrance me. I'd like to buy one of those cameras where you can leave it outside for days/weeks/months and capture a photo every x amount of time to get a time lapse series - like how you see footage of flowers opening on fast forward in nature documentaries etc. And wow, well done you for going back to uni in your 50s, that's awesome! Its both hard and exhilarating being a mature-aged student and i have so much respect for anyone who returns to study later in life. Your masters sounds interesting too. What did you study in the way of ethics? Driving home from my trip I listened a lot to radio national and really enjoyed their diverse program - including lots of arts but also a panel about women in leadership and also one about the public sector (i worked there many lifetimes ago). Do you have any favourite shows/programs sources of uplifting and engaging material? I'd like to have more of this in my life, as a positive inflow! 🙂

[hope4joy]

ooops, sorry if it is poor form to write such long posts, but I hardly got started!!! 🙂

I'm glad to hear Mary that you were able to cope with such a hard three months, it does sound like you have come forward to take that in your stride, knowing it will pass. I relate to that too. While camping my mood reached and absolute low, i think i had huge anxiety too, and was at some sort of breaking point. i took myself off to a secluded place and rung two different phone support line, something i find really hard but useful when in crisis. talking to someone about how badly i felt uncensored was helpful, but funnily i think the hold music was so soothing. i was on hold for 20 mins on the first call and 50 mins for the second, and by that time had started to breath deeply and do stretches and had calmed done. Nothing had changed or gone away, but I could cope again. And proudly I didn't get angry at my mum (Chicken Wings, I was camping with my mum) which i would normally do. Because when i mentioned i needed to make a call as i was struggling so much, she said she felt guilty and she needed to make a call too. She often does that and it used to drive me mad that she never cared for my situation but this time i could accept that is her struggle and not to do anything rash or impulsive or aggressive. Anyhow I am seriously rambling now, so shall come back to replying! I guess it is just nice to be able to hop back on here and write.

Yes Mary I really love camping. I grew up with an itinerant mum so am very familiar with being in a car travelling or a tent, and i adore being in nature. Its often the only place that makes sense to me and is a great comfort and also wonder. What is your ideal way to relax?

Hi adj, thank you for your kind and deep words. I relate to what you say. I'm not too sure how to reply. But yes I think it is important to keep doing things - connecting to ourselves, others and things we love in order to find our way out of depression. Yes, that is very wise advice to keep doing things. For when we stop that is what we create, a stuck in traction that gets increasingly hard to get out of. It is hard though to do all those things with out having any heart felt feelings, but maybe we can trust that at some point they will come back. At least I can recognise they're gone and know I have been able to feel them in the past.

I'm almost out of words so shall jump to one more post.