Introduction, mental stress causing physical pain

[Shipsta]

Hello everyone,

26, Male, Adelaide, Husband, Father (of 1)

The history of my relationship with depression over the past few years is up and down to say the least so I’ll try and explain it as briefly. During my early twenties I was experiencing a lot of muscle pain and migraines, after seeing all sorts of practitioners the symptoms basically went undiagnosed. They were preventing me from doing what I loved most which was sport and physical exercise. When I left Uni and traveled interstate to commence full time work for the first time, I now had the money to spend to investigate these issues further. So I spent 1000’s of dollars visiting physios, osteopaths, doctors, chiros, exercise physiologists, doing training programs etc. None of these people could find a problem and the pain was becoming worse and worse and ended up being the only thing I could think of. It got to the point where I just broke down. I couldn’t think anymore, I was depressed, in pain etc. It was affecting my work, my relationship, everything. At this point I came to the conclusion that it had to be me, so in tears I sort the help of a psychologist. It was then when I realised that I was under constant stress (relationship, uni, sport, work) and was on edge all the time. From an early age, I just wanted everything to be perfect and didn't have an off switch. I was convinced that due to my personality, I just put way too much pressure on myself all the time which caused the muscle pain and now the mental problems.

For the past 6 months I have been on anti-depressants, practised mindfulness meditation, adopted adaptogen herbs, exercised, maintained sleep and focussed on reducing stress. This has helped somewhat to the point I can function again, however I still go through the fight, flight and freeze response (to varying degrees) throughout a weekly period. Some days, I just can’t think and this will last for almost a week, where my productivity plummets. This used to stress me out further, however I have learned to roll with the punches more and wait for the episode to be over. As it seems the more
I do this, the fewer and farther in between these episodes occur. Right now, I am going through heavy a brain freeze/fog period, so just writing this post is difficult.

I could go on forever talking about this but I am coming close to the word limit, so I will stop it here for now and look forward to any responses of people going through anything similar.

[Shipsta]

Thank you once again for everyone who has responded to my posts last time. The last time i posted i wrote a lot about the anxiety/depressions symptoms I was experiencing and ways I was trying to manage them. A few years on there has been common theme to obtrusive thoughts that I wanted to air on in this forum to hopefully get peoples opinion on.

When I spoke about my nervous breakdown which had me first sought the help of the psychologist I initially (and still do) blame my now wife. To elaborate I met my wife young (when i was 16), although my intention at that age was not a lasting relationship (as it wouldn't be) we have stuck with each other since. However, since my breakdown, I rarely have any positive thoughts towards her even though I know she does so much for me. My brain (so i guess me) has continuous obtrusive thoughts of leaving the relationship blaming her for my anxiety, feeling trapped in the relationship, unable to do the things I want to achieve in life (what those things are I don't know anymore). It constantly recalls all the bad times in the relationship including all her flaws over the years. At some points not even being able to look at her without getting an influx of anxiety. It feels like being with her is me living a lie with all these thoughts running around in my head about not wanting to be with her even though logically assessing my relationship with her current and past there's no reason why it shouldn't work. She probably does over and above her fair share of the work along with putting up with my ups and downs.

The problem is that what I have noticed about my depression/anxiety trends over the past few years is that if I try and accept my relationship with my wife as normal (which I logically think it is) ignore the obtrusive thoughts and try to get on with life (work, kids, social events) then my symptoms of memory problems, fatigue, brain fog, sore right eye, head pressure, twitching lips unable to cope with any stress get worse and now I can barely function again.

This leads me wanting to leave the relationship to see whether my anxiety/depression and associated symptoms will get better. I guess my question is does anyone else have such negative thoughts towards their partner like i do and do you deal with them? Also, does anyone think that these thoughts could potentially be causing my anxiety, rather than the anxiety causing the thoughts? I had a lot to cover so I hope it all makes sense

[quirkywords]

Shipsta,

Thanks for coming back with an update.

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times then throw in mental health issues and it can be exhausting working out what affects what.

I know for me that I can be miserable in a relationship or when single. Sometimes a partner can upset me and cause me to be very sad but equally I am capable of being depressed all by myself.

I understand how you feel the that you may need to leave the relationship but there are also good parts . Were you depressed and anxious before you were married?

Only you can work out what makes your mental health worse or better?

How do you imagine your life if you do leave your wife?

Thanks again for letting us know how you are going.?

Quirky

[Shipsta]

Thanks for your quick response quirkywords.

In relation to your question 'if I was depressed and anxious before I was married?' I guess I do not know. As we met when we were 16 we have been together ever since (apart from being on and off a bit during the early stages). I am now 29 and we got married when I was 27. If I think back to when I was 16 before I met her and I do recall some levels of social anxiety I suppose but no recollection of depression.

When I compare my symptoms of anxiety to those experienced when I was 16 or younger my symptoms now are far worse and varied to the point I can barely get through a day.

When I imagine my life if I left my wife my feelings are mixed. On one hand I feel relief that my obtrusive thoughts towards her will now have less meaning as I would not be with her anymore. But on the other hand, my life without her would be very much harder considering the amount she supports me and does around the house i.e cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, organising events etc. Not only that but I would be leaving my kids which is something I promised myself I would never do given the pain my parents caused me when I was a child.

On top of the above if I did leave, there's a good chance that the symptoms did still persist and I would find something else to worry about!

I guess I have always hoped that there was a distinct cause of the anxiety / depression, although I don't hope that it is my wife, the obtrusive thoughts lead me to believe she could be the cause, when in fact it well could be something completely different or no reason at all!

It doesn't make sense to me how my thoughts say one thing, and yet I want another.

[quirkywords]

Shipsta,

thanks for your reply.

I think when one overthinks one can really complicate things that is not that complex.

I do this all the time.

Would you think about doing relationship or personal counselling?

It would be great to find one cause for mental illness, I used to really focus on what caused my bipolar but I found I really needed to concentrate on how to get healthy and not be hung up on the cause.

Obviously one needs to be aware of triggers but they are different from the cause.

Have you looked at Cognitive Behaviour Therapy looking at how our thoughts work and how they affect us.

Do you find writing helps you sort out your thoughts?

Quirky

[Shipsta]

Hi quirkywords,

I understand where you are coming from with over thinking things. I do tend to do this a lot as well, but when you are feeling so down and unable to get through the days it is very hard not to come to conclusions as to why that is.

I have received personal counselling from 2 separate psychologists and 1 psychiatrist. We also tried relationship counselling a few years ago but quickly stopped that as we didn't like the counselor.

All of the counselors have tried CBT with me and we tracked back to different events which may affect why I think they way that I do which has helped understand the thoughts more but it just doesn't stop them which is what keeps bringing me down.

I do write a journal as to how I feel pretty regularly which does help me understand how I am going but once again, the feelings and obtrusive thoughts still persist.

It feels like I have tried everything with very little improvements to how I feel which is the disheartening part.

[SPOONO]

Snap!! btdt, first question I'd like to ask I'm probably not allowed to is boo's. If there, get rid of it, she's hung in thus far. I bailed out of mine, more than 20 years ago AK...AK = after kids. I have never been truly happy since, my experience with the kids is positive with boys (now married with their own) and very ifsy butsy with the girls. I truly wish I'd hung in there done the right thing and remained married to my hot-tempered, but very loving, do anything for me wife. Not much more I can say. All my very best wishes. 

Cheers spoon