Internal Struggle - Anxiety, Depression & BPD

[mooncrab_]

Hello,

It's been a while since my last post because I thought everything was going well with me. But apparently not. So I'm here to vent again.

The last 12months have been worse than ever and I'm deteriorating from the inside. Last year I was told by my psychologist that she couldn't quite work me out and that she suspects I have BPD. I admit it made me feel so uncomfortable. More so than having to be there for my anxiety & depression. It overwhelmed me to the point that I left and never made another appointment with that psychologist again.

I know I should have at least found another psychologist to confirm the diagnosis, but I stubbornly told myself that I will be ok and to just keep on going. Pretty sure I was in denial.

At the beginning of the year I enrolled myself into a course for Accounting & Bookkeeping blindly believing that I would be fine if I just engage myself in something to keep me occupied. I struggled halfway when lockdown was announced and we had to move to remote learning. I started losing focus and interest. I found myself staring into space and sometimes that lead to stupor. I just felt stuck.I managed to finish the course with an increase in my meds, but really doubtful of getting a job in that field. Plus I didn't really have much interest for it. But I was being constantly encouraged to do something.

It has been 3wks since the end of my course and I just have no motivation. No positivity. I only get about 3-4hrs broken sleep so I'm constantly tired. I break out in tears for no particular reason except that I feel really down. I've been losing my sense of time. I constantly question who I am while my partner just sees it as an excuse to do nothing and thinks I'm just being childish. Lately, I've felt more comfortable in my dreams like it's the opposite effect. As if the world I wake up to is the dream. And the dream is the real world.

I know I had to do something about it before I wither away into nothingness. So I took the step to get a new referral to another psychologist and a referral to see a psychiatrist. There's a part of me that's scared as hell because genetically, it makes sense. My mother & brother have bipolar and depression. So why wouldn't I? But another part of me is eager to know just how crazy I am. While another part, the small & insignificant part, just wants to crawl under a rock and never hear of it again.

I want to be a better person, I really do. But it's like my feet are buried in cement.

[P0L0]

Hi Mooncrab_,

I would like to commend on you on reaching out and asking for help, it is a big step you admit you may need help. Congrats!

Firstly, no one likes to hear bad news about themselves. Hearing someone else say to you that you are somehow "different" never comes without a feeling of disappointment or dread. Just know that there is nothing "wrong" about you.

It is good to hear that you have the drive and motivation to become a better person; to try and feel better with the help of others like psychologists. However, it is sad to hear that your partner does not see your mental state as legitimate and puts you down because of it. Perhaps you should try to explain to them what exactly you are going through, and try to make them understand, as they might just not know exactly what it is you are going through.

You just need to try and break that cement that is holding your feet in place. You can't just rip your feet out like that. Sometimes, you need the help of others to pull you out. Remember, it is a slow battle with that cement, it won't break in one week, so keep trying to break free.

We all believe in you here in the forums!

P0L0

[CalmCat]

Hi mooncrab_,

I'm sorry to hear that your having a rough time at the moment, but be proud that you've reached out and started a forum/topic that someone might be able to connect with.

Don't worry about your mental health worker, I'm sure you can find another one that is suited to what your going through at the moment, or you can always see a psychiatrist.

I mention psychiatrist's because on a personal note, they've been the mental health professionals that truly helped me in my time in need. You should definitely talk to your GP and about your psychologist not wanting to see you... I'm sure they will be able to help also.

Stay strong and just like what POLO said... "We all believe in you here in the forums!" believe in yourself and stay strong! You can do it!

Regards,

Doz

[mooncrab_]

Thank you for your response POLO, it takes some weight off my shoulders to be acknowledged and not judged.

I tried to explain to my partner today about what I'm going through. I did my best not to get upset and irrational as I have done in the past. And he did his best to hear me out without interrupting to give me his "research based" facts on my "feelings". We made slight progress with him accepting the fact that I'm not doing this on purpose. Although, I sense that he is still sceptical about it all. His perception is that I have Impostor Syndrome and that's why I won't go look for a job because I make myself feel inadequate.

I can understand how he's led to believe that. I have two qualifications but I'm not actively applying for jobs. I struggle just to get out the front gate sometimes.

I know it's hard for him having to deal with my depressive episodes and I try not to hate myself for it.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household. I have mental and physical scarring from it. I have a benign tumor on my pituitary gland and chronic back issues. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. But I can't help feeling overwhelmingly sad and hopeless. Like there's no end to this, just a vicious cycle.

[therising]

Hi mooncrab_

While a lot of folk would say it's 'a load of rubbish', it is natural to constantly question who we are. This is how we evolve. Definitely tough when we can't find anyone who can help us through this sometimes depressing process.

You mention 'I want to be a better person, I really do. But it's like my feet are buried in cement'. This is who you naturally are. You're someone who naturally wants to evolve, yet you're stuck in regard to the way forward. When you think about it, there are millions of people around the world who accept their lot (never questioning being stuck in the same cycles). Here you are, knowing there's something better, questioning things you can no longer tolerate.

Personally, I found coming out of my depression to be mind altering. While in depression, I was identifying myself through a lot of learned beliefs. Learned beliefs are beliefs that have been taught to us. A couple, for example

• Do not question the questionable beliefs and behaviour of those around you, regarding people of influence. We can be left facing a life of self doubt when this happens
• We should always please people, even if it comes at a cost. The cost can involve losing our sense of self

I found the tough thing about discarding a lot of the beliefs I'd identified myself through involved me losing my identity to a significant degree. 'Who am I?' became the question. It was then that the quest began, to understand who I naturally am. I'm wondering if you can relate to some of these:

• I am naturally someone who cannot tolerate boredom or things that bore me. I can't tolerate a lack of excitement in my life. Tolerating a lack of excitement can get depressing
• I am naturally someone who wonders about the answers to many of the questions I have. Wondering a lot makes you naturally wonderful
• I am naturally someone who cannot tolerate a lack of support from people when I need support (it angers me at times), as I am a very supportive person of others. I believe we exist to mutually raise each other, not bring each other down
• I am naturally someone who can't tolerate not being my most authentic self. Am very sensitive to the oppressive nature of others

'I am naturally...' is a powerful statement. it tells us who we truly are, without a doubt.

Would you say you're naturally wonderful (full of wonder), the bored seeker of excitement, the questioner (on their quest, seeking direction), someone who longs to find their natural self? Is this who you are?

🙂

[mooncrab_]

Hi Doz,

Thank you for your thoughts and praises on this as well.

To be honest, as I type this my mind is swirling with uncertainties. Why is this happening now? Will my partner be able to accept it all? Will he leave me over this? Why am I unable to fix this myself? Why can't I just be normal? And what is normal?

A conversation I had with my mother helped me to realise the underlying aspects to my struggle. She had a lot of trauma growing up and there was no support for her, so she went on with life not knowing she had a psychological condition. This led to the physical abuse inflicted on my brother and me. But ever since her diagnosis and treatment she has been so much better and I still have a good relationship with both my parents.

I am anxious about seeing another psychologist. More anxious about seeing a psychiatrist. I know I will have to dig deep and skeletons will have to emerge. Just thinking about it makes my eyes well up. Past friends have questioned why I get so emotional? I ask myself that question all the time. My partner has spent a decade experiencing my ups & downs. And I think it has just worn him away to the point where he's fed up and truly believes that I am an intellectual person, but I sabotage myself so I must be crazy. Simply put, I see only the gray area and choose not to see black & white like everybody else.

It makes me feel like it's all my fault. That I am a waste of space. I don't deserve to be loved and cared for. I am an emotional train wreck.

My mind is like an endless storm at sea. There is no calm. Not even when I sleep. I frequently have vivid dreams. But I can't explain any of them to my partner because he doesn't care and doesn't want to know.

Hopeless, helpless, lost, broken.

[mooncrab_]

Hi therising,

After reading ur post I felt somewhat at ease. Those key points u mentioned regarding that powerful statement "I am naturally..." really resonated with me. I am so grateful for that.

I have always been a bubbly caring person. Yes I may seem a little hyperactive at times, but that is how I naturally express myself. I have always had a great relationship with work colleagues and have even advocated on behalf of a team member when I knew they were being bullied. I like to help others where I can, hence why I enjoyed my previous role in aged care. Everyone loved to see me smile. And having to stop that field of work due to physical limitations of my back really got me down. I still have to see a chiropractor every so often for adjustment. And I get on really well with my chiropractor, so we have a nice catch up during my sessions.

I think my personality and my anxiety clash on an epic scale. Maybe that's what my previous psychologist saw in me before mentioning suspicion of BPD. Mind you it was only the 2nd session.

I just want to get to the bottom of this maelstrom so I can have quality of life back.

Cheers to u therising for shining a little light in this dark hole. I really appreciate it.