Immense anhedonia

[Echtis]

My depression has wavered in severity since 2014. Recently, the anhedonia has made it very hard to do anything at all. I cannot enjoy anything at all, and I am trapped inside because of what the outside world means to me. I finally self-harmed again after years just to feel something other than sadness and anxiety. Obviously I know it will get better eventually. 

This is just me saying it to the void because there is no one else to say it to in real life: I am not doing okay, and I do not deserve how people treat me. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Echtis,  Thank you for sharing. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve had this really difficult experience, but we’re glad you could share this here. Hopefully we’ll hear from the community soon, who may be able to offer some understand, and perhaps some ideas for the next few days.   We’re reaching out to you to offer some support. If you’re struggling with thoughts or feelings about self-harm, please reach out directly either to the professionals with you there, or by giving ourselves or Lifeline a call. If you’re not able to do so, please know that we’re here, and in an emergency the number to call would be 000.  Previously, community members have mentioned an app called ‘Calm Harm’ being really helpful for managing self-harm urges, in case that’s something you’d like to have a look at.   Thanks again for your bravery and openness in sharing here.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Echtis

Has anyone ever led you to wonder why you can't feel? I imagine you had the ability at some point.

Being an analytical gal who's a real feeler, there have been times in life when I've come to question why I've suddenly lost my ability to feel. I've hit on a number of reasons

• Pure exhaustion. I can't feel a thing when I'm in a state of pure exhaustion. If you look at emotion as 'energy in motion', you can't feel what's not there
• No one's leading me. A lack of leadership/guidance can sometimes be incredibly depressing. If no one is leading me to feel the difference between home and a place that I sense as 'peaceful' or 'liberating', for example, that 'nothing' feeling that comes at home can feel soul destroying
• A lack of adventure. Adding ventures, as opposed to repeating the same ventures over and over, is so important. To feel a difference through sameness is impossible. New ventures don't have to be extreme yet for some people they do because extreme is the only way they can feel an emotional connection to life. Explains why some people love extreme sports
• A lack of practicing 'feeling through the senses' (vision, sound, taste, touch/texture and smell). An idea might involve going to a pharmacy and sampling different perfumes/colognes. One may lead you to feel what 'peace' feels like, whereas another may get your heart racing with 'excitement'. As an outside the square form of aromatherapy, you could buy the aroma that leads you to feel a certain way and use it each morning and evening (1 dose, twice daily). I have 7 bottles, one for each day of the week

When I can't feel, I know there's something wrong. Figuring it out can be torturous. For example, some years back when I lost my ability to feel, it became incredibly depressing. I was down and tired all the time which led me to a GP. He gave me some rubbish about how 'life can get exhausting at times' blah blah blah. Basically, it was a 'You need to toughen up because this is life' brush off. I wouldn't settle for it because not feeling a connection to life through my emotions becomes deeply depressing for me. Through a lot of detective work, I discovered the cause to be sleep apnea. I was treated and could feel again. Not all GPs are enthusiastic detectives.

[therising]

Forgot to mention, another good reason can involve our chemistry being off. While we can feel the effects of certain chemical reactions in our body, such as with feeling the impact and effects of dopamine (excitement), serotonin (joy), oxytocin (love), you can technically feel the absence of chemical reactions. Some chemical deficiencies interfere with a production of what we need in order to feel. Basically, they interfere with our feelings. Whether it's a B12 deficiency, iron, thyroid, gut or sleep based deficiency etc, there is plenty to wonder about. Never stop wondering because wondering is what leads to answers/reasons. It pays to surround yourself with people who love to wonder. Personally, I find a lack of wonderful people in my life to be a significant trigger for depression. Sometimes there's just way too many closed minded people out there. You can feel the impact of their lack of wonder as well as their shut downs. Such people have a vibe to them.