Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hey ER

The damaged parts are really wide spread. It’s not until you start digging that you find even more. Or as one heals another one appears. 

I hope you can work on the damaged ones as they appear. I have faith in you. 

I do listen to all you offer and suggest. I have tried a few things today but it hasn’t helped at all. I think life is just to much right now. 

Today has been so hard. I just can’t face anymore. I don’t know if I have anything left in me. I just hate this. I hate myself. I hate life. 

Sorry it’s all so bad. But that’s all I’ve got. Nothing. 

[Captain T]

Each day is getting harder. The fight is getting harder. The urges are getting stronger. I have lost myself in all of this. I’ll never be the same again. I only see one way out but I can’t do that just yet. I have lost my mind

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Captain T,

 I can hear you are in so much pain. Try to remember you recently went through a traumatic experience and you will also soon be going for the hospital stay. Just going through recent weeks would have been really hard and contributed to you feeling bad now. But you will soon have some people around you in the hospital with expertise and it will be a chance to just allow yourself to rest. I know it is extremely hard but you have been making such an effort, including continuing to go to work when you were struggling and also reaching out here. I know it’s hard for you to see or believe, but you are worthy of life and healing. Please reach out to supports if you need them. I know you find phoning helplines hard, but even trying webchat just to talk to someone can take a bit of the pressure off that you are feeling.

Sometimes something that helps me is visualising laying down a burden. I often don’t realise just how much struggle I’m carrying in my nervous system including bundles of emotions such as shame, feeling like a failure etc. But I am slowly learning to be aware of those bundles and starting to practise setting them down, even just imagining them lifting off me and then setting them down so they are on the ground and not heavy weights I’m carrying. I’m not saying that’s easy because it’s challenging for me to do, but I’m at least just beginning to learn to let go, so to speak. I’m not sure if that helps but just trying to think of what I’m learning that may help you. It’s kind of like instead of contracting in even more pain around negative emotions, it’s just allowing expansion in the body instead. Often the contraction is really habitual and not easy to shift, but gradually in time it’s like you can start to develop a body memory of expanding into more peaceful feelings instead, if that makes sense, which in turn can help ease the mind. Sometimes I find it helps to work through the body first and then the mind follows.

Thank you for your kind thoughts in relation to me too. That means a lot. Sending you encouragement and support. Take good care,

ER

[Captain T]

I have to go to hospital for 3 weeks. I’m scared. I don’t know how I will go. I don’t know who will look after my dogs. I don’t know how to tell mum. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

It’s ok. Anything unfamiliar can bring some anxiety and fear. But know that the goal is to support you to begin healing.

Are you able to identify what is worrying you about telling your mum? I don’t know what your relationship is like with her but it may help her understand how much you’ve been struggling and that you need this support at the moment.

Is your mum or another family member, friend or neighbour able to feed and take care of your dogs? Sometimes letting others know you are going through a difficult time gives them a chance to step up and do something practical to help, and feeding your dogs is a way they could help. There may also be service providers in your area that look after pets during hospital stays. You could perhaps ask your local vet if they know of any. And there are boarding kennels as well.

You only have to disclose as much as you want to about your hospital stay too, if you don’t want people to know all the details. But with important people in your life such as family, it may help for them to know and be able to provide support.

I know a number of the lovely people on this forum have mentioned that they’ve been in hospital for their mental health issues and they have come through it and things have gotten better. So that is possible for you too Captain T. We are here for you.

I’m going to do a meditation tonight so I’ll have you in my thoughts and send you kind, healing, safe energy.

Take care,

ER

[Captain T]

Thanks Eagle Ray

My parents don’t know the full extent of how I’m feeling. I’m not sure a parent needs to know that their child is actively suicidal. So I’m trying to tell them as much but as little as possible. 

They said they would look after the dogs for a week and that that was all I could stay as they have appointments that I need to be around for to look after their dog. You can see how much they get it. 

The pup is only 16weeks old so I’m not sure who I can get. The 4.5 year old is not very friendly and there is no way that they are going into a kennel. I have puppy preschool this week so I will check with the nurse if she knows of anyone. 

My Case Manager is going to help me tell my parents so I’m hoping they will then say they will look after them. I just have to wait and see. 

My psychiatrist said I must have the stay and it has to be for 3 weeks. Otherwise she will take control. 

They are extremely concerned about my life. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

That is great your Case Manager is going to help you tell your parents. I expect and hope that they will then be very willing to take care of the dogs. That is a good idea to check with the nurse too.

It is good you have people on board looking out for you. The hospital stay will be a chance to look at everything and make a path going forward that supports you.

I imagine puppy preschool is very cute. I remember going with my friend and her puppy to one and it was lovely seeing the different puppies.

Go gently and take care Captain T.

Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

Just checking in to see how you are doing? I hope you are doing ok.

Best wishes,

ER

[Captain T]

Hey Eagle Ray.

Thanks for checking in. 

I have told my parents about the admission. I’ve had to get a dog sitter for 2 weeks and they will take them for the last one. 

Im really scared about going. But I am currently on holidays in an extremely toxic situation with my parents so I am looking forward to a break from them. 

I am really not coping ok being with them so much. My MH is not ok. I have been trying to take breaks away from them but then I’m in trouble off them for not being around. I usually cope better on holidays than I am this time

How are things going for you? 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Captain T,

That’s great you have a dog sitter and your parents can take them for the last week.

It sounds like it will be good to have a break from your parents. I hope it’s a time where you can really just focus on your own needs, that it’s a break just for you.

Things can be challenging with parents at times, including the history we have with them which can affect us in the present. I hope you can sense a kind, self-caring boundary around yourself and know that you will have that break soon to fully focus on your own well being.

 I really understand it’s very hard at times. As far as I’m going at the moment I’ve been struggling too, so I have a lot of empathy for you as I know it can be difficult from day to day. I am with you in spirit as I know it can feel like a lonely journey at times, so just want to encourage you that you are not alone and people care.

Thinking of you and wishing you the very best for a healing, restorative break. Take good care,

ER