Im at a crossroad

9pmto3am · ‎22-12-2017

ive never reached out for help in my life and as far as most people know im fine, but i havent been fine in years. i dont know how to explain my constant sadness. the amount of times ive rewrote this is incredible. i want to give up on writing this but im really pushing myself to make a change and this is just my attempt to just say im really not doing well, im feeling very emotional right now and it feels really great to be able to say that im not okay and to get this out of my head even if its just some silly forum. thank you

9pmto3am · ‎22-12-2017

honestly i cried during this post and i havent felt this good in so long

smallwolf · ‎22-12-2017

It took me to breaking point before I knew I had a problem to deal with. That you have recognised your sadness is a start. Others will be able to give you longer answers, but my starting point was a phone call to my parents, after reading some stuff on the web site here. My symptoms included sadness, lump in throat, racing heart etc. resulting in a visit to the doctor who referred me to a psych. Worst case scenario is doing the test in moodtools app but a visit to a GP could also be beneficial.

Robbie_A · ‎22-12-2017

Hello 9pmto3am,

You made a massive step login in and writting a post,so much respect to you..

believe me when I say 9months ago I was the exact same as you in an identical position saying the same words, the best thing I did was reach out for help and talk about how I was feeling. I stopped holding it in because it was only making me sicker.

I couldn't explain why I'd felt the way I did more than half my life until I got professional help and actually gave my will up and surrendered. I stopped worrying about what people thought and how I'd look or isolating and I said I need to do this to save my life.

So I booked to see a psychologist and I'm still with him to this day,i and the growth I've had soul searching and working through my ptsd and anxiety and depression is the best gift I could've given myself.

And truat me plenty of times I wanted to stop going and Juat go back to my old habits because I'd get in my own head and think it's all a waste of time,but now I feel so blessed I didn't.. Look I'm still learning and as I said its only 9 months but my life now is filled with so many good things,and now I have safety plans on place and people I can talk too,and foruma like this one to open speak freely and know that everyone cares and understands..

Don't be afraid to take the risk, coa in the end its a risk not taking a risk which could ultimately turn your whole life around..👍

Just keeping taking baby steps and don't think to far ahead,take it a day at a time..

I hope this helps in some way,

Be strong

Be patient

and believe

Robbie

smallwolf · ‎22-12-2017

Sorry. Hit post reviewing my reply. I wanted to add that if you examine yourself closely you might find other symptoms as described on the web site here. This will be useful in determining your next step.

Also welcome to BB. The people here are helpful.

smallwolf · ‎22-12-2017

Also... Writing or venting here can also be a good stress release. Folks here will listen to your story

geoff · ‎22-12-2017

hi 9to3, it does take incredible strength to write a post and then send it, because many times you would have edited it then deleted, then feel frustrated in not posting it, now you have, so welcome to the forum.
It's good to hear you say 'I'm not OK' on a forum that tries to help so many people, in actual fact, the number of people who have come to this forum has increased enormously from years ago, that's what pleases us.
It's not only hard to admit that you're not OK, but then try and work out what exactly has been the problem, was it caused many years ago or has it happened just recently, that really doesn't matter because you are now asking for help.
Please take your time in getting back to us, but the important part is that you have to realise that all of us have been through our own struggles with depression, whatever type it may have been, so situations can be similar but circumstances totally different, so hope to hear back from you.
Remember it's totally anonymous and no names or photos are allowed, except for me, as I've been here for about 14 years, so you know what I look like. Geoff.

Guest_9466 · ‎22-12-2017

Well done in reaching out for help. You are in the right place.

Tears, is good. Tears is healing.

Please continue to share. You will recive support, understanding and empathy here.

Maddy_84 · ‎22-12-2017

Hi 9pm to 3am, good on you for making this step. I'm relatively new here too and just want you to know I'm here for you. We all are.*hugs*

small wolf, the symptoms you mention.. my god, I convinced myself I was dying. Doctors didn't help, the first line of help was a cardiologist, but I also get heart palpitations so I really made myself really ill over it. So they put me on heart meds to reduce my heart rate. Crazy!! Anyway, these days it's more of a mental battle trying to talk myself out of thinking that way. It's really great to vent and open up knowing there are others going through similar situations and it's a great support system here..

smallwolf · ‎23-12-2017

It takes great courage to admit you have a problem. If you fall off your bike and cut yourself the pain is visible and real. With MH the pain is not seen and it is very hard to explain what we feel sometimes or all the time. What causes or caused the sadness? What are the triggers? Why can't I be happy? Will I ever be happy again?

And admitting that we are not perfect, and need help becomes (hopefully) the first step to recovery.

My sadness is evident by this permanent lump in throat. At the moment I would like one day without it. But I make it through each day and that is all i (we) can do.