If this is mild depression why does it feel so horrible?

[HelenM]

Ok. Twelve years ago I had a depression that was so awful I am still traumatised by it. Over the years my depression has become much milder and  sometimes my good spells have lasted for many months. Usually I come out of a depression within a few months and maybe within almost half of that my mood is good. 

I went into a depression that was very mild 6 months ago. A few good days here and there. In April I could actually feel the depression lifting above me one day. My depression became milder still. And since then I've had a few good weeks on a couple of occasions. I've also had  two separate weeks of totally irrational fear,believing I was definitely going back to that terrible place of 12 years ago. No amount of normal reasoning could change my fears. Each time it went within a week. 

Here I am now after several very anxious days - I think they're going now. My mood is mildly depressed. But if it's mild why do I just feel like screaming? Why do I want the day to be over. I will have another good day, maybe a few weeks. I know that it's the duration of it that's getting me down. It's the feeling that life will always be like this. The struggling to find the motivation to mow the grass later. The wanting to cry cos I've walked dog pooh in the house. The longing to enjoy my husband's company but even though I love him I feel too fed up.

Compared to my first depression this is nothing. But I think that for someone who had never experienced depression it would be awful - they'd feel their life was over. And in so many ways my life has had to die bit by bit. Working, living on my own, being able to help out my kids on a practical level. I've adjusted to all this. I just can't adjust to feeling rubbish in my head for much of the time.

Lots of people here have chronic mental health problems. They are all lovely people. The long term users rarely mention feeling rubbish regularly or for weeks on end. Is that because you are enduring these difficulties but trying to get by? Or are you going through a good spell? Do you have months on end of struggling? My GP sees me regularly. He says this is how I am. I do all the right stuff to help myself. My meds are ok. I think I've to just carry on enjoying the good bits and hoping I get a few months off again.

On here I've been given lots of support. Still I'm coming out with the same moans. I'm sorry about that. I just find it so hard to put up with this even though it's mild.

Thanks, Helen

[AGrace]

Hi Helen,

Regarding Mindfulness I've been practicing since my first hospital admission which was as a result of making an attempt on my life. You can imagine I was in a dark place and yet I was still taught mindfulness by all the Psychologists in the hospital. I personally think it's a life skill, not only for people with mental illness. They are now teaching children mindfulness in schools. I always say that it's not easy when you begin. even if you do it for 1 minute and then build from there. It's been 10 months since i started and now i find 30 minutes easier than 5. I have recommended Tara Brach's mindfulness CD to a lot of people and Jon Kabat Zinn is also a bit of a guru. For me the best thing about mindfulness is that you can do it whenever wherever. I did it with a piece of chocolate at the zoo today to help with anxiety.

I haven't tried Reike before. I've tried acupuncture, chinese herbal medicine, and hypnosis but none of these had any affect so I gave up on natural treatments. I'd be interested to hear how you found it.

I too used to feel and think exactly like you. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, being a burden, useless, worthless etc, these were my allies. Now I still feel them come up from time to time but I don't buy into them as much, I try to focus on just the facts. I did an interesting exercise in a group therapy session a while back where we watched an argument being played out between 2 friends. At the end we had to describe what we saw on the most basic level eg "girl opened mouth, girl said I hate when you don't call me back, girl put hand on forehead, tears ran down girls face, girl reached in handbag for tissue." Describing the argument in this fashion takes away all the possibilities of misconception due to perceptions and emotions. Feelings and thoughts are not facts. You have to wonder what the benefit of over analysing things really is.

AGrace

[White_Rose]

Hello BeeGee

Many thanks for your post. It was comforting. My psych has told me he will be there as long as I need him, but then I start feeling guilty and as though I am doing something wrong. Being a nuisance. And then I get angry, mostly with myself because I want some support instead of managing on my own. Then it's all downhill from there.

It's just dawned on me that I have hijacked Helen's post.  Sorry about that. No more moans.

LING

[HelenM]

Ling,

You're not hijacking my thread. You're sharing it - no problem.

Helen x

[HelenM]

Hi AGrace

Thanks for your info re mindfulness. What had put me off was that I thought I had to spend all day every day doing it and that seems impossible. I'm keen though to work at building up to half and hour. And given my all consuming love with chocolate I'll try it with that. Though I think I'd need a whole bar to last me half and hour!

I will try Tara Brach's cd. As for Jon Kabat Zinn, I think I've heard of him so will look into that too.

Maybe one day I'll learn to not feel ashamed of depression. It's interesting. Today Robin Williams lost his life to suicide and people are obviously so sad. Yet it makes no difference to peoples perception of depression. It's still seen as weakness and while I know that's rubbish I find it hard to get rid of that feeling.

Helen

[Snoman]

Helen/Ling 😉

I have my own unique way of looking at things and I thought I should share it with you.

I see mental illness a bit like chicken pox, but in the brain, and not visible on the skin.  With chicken pox, people tend to get itchy red spots.  The severity of the itching, the number of spots, and their location is totally unique.  No one has the exact same experience.  When we have "mental chicken pox" we get "itchy spots in our brain".  Since the brain is our thinker, the itchy spot affects our thinking.  The location of spots is unique for everyone so we all have a different experience.  It is in the same location, so the experience is similar.  If we have it again, the experience can differ again.

I see psych's as mental physiotherapists.  A physio will give you exercises to help improve and strengthen your muscles to improve your quality of life.  Apart from some treatments, you are doing all the work, but guided by their training.  Along the way, you learn some new exercises and techniques.

As for Stigma, it exists within too.  When I am low, like all the others here, I feel ashamed and embarrassed and beat myself up over it.  Guess what.  That is depression talking.  When you have a good day, and you think of someone who is going through this nightmare, you don't think badly of them.  I have found accepting my mental chicken pox as just that (but a really awful case of it) has helped me to let go the self blame.

To beat the stigma, I am trying to explain what I'm going thru with those I can trust.  Unfortunately I am not quite ready to "come-out" to everyone.

BTW Ling, I was surprised when I read that you feel unworthy of attention.  I know that that comes with depression, but I am always pleased to see that you have posted somewhere and I am keen to read it.  I value your posts.  I forgot that you don't see yourself as I see you.

xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Snoman,

   Thanks for your explanation of depression as being like mental chicken pox, I like that, it made sense to me. I also like your comment that you see a psych as a mental physiotherapist. Having been to physiotherapists for decades, and realising the exercises they have given me to do are to help my body, and only I can put the work in to make it all beneficial, makes me better understand stuff like mindfulness. So thanks for that.

   Sorry for butting in on your chat with Helen and Ling, just wanted to say thanks.

[HelenM]

Hi Snoman (and by the way Doolhof you're joining in on a very interesting conversation which isn't butting in)

Your analogy is really good - I like it and shall make use of it along the way, so thanks very much.

I was thinking about shame today. Actually more about the things that have been said to me ie. I don't try hard enough, it isn't good for me to take medication, I should help others to take my mind off it. These and lots more are the personal insults I've received. I'm polite and so have always tried to explain politely why I need meds, or whatever. It's never got me anywhere and has added to any shame I feel. This morning I thought, No more. Any more insults and I will say, 'Cut the Crap' (hope that's not swearing). If that doesn't work then I will tell them where to go. This behaviour is so unlike me but anger turned inwards is not good for us. Having said all this it's quite a while since I've been insulted.

Btw Ling, like Snoman I always find your posts helpful and hope you post on here soon.

Thanks again Snoman, Helen

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen, Snoman and Doolhof

Please put me out of my misery and tell me what BTW means. I don't have a mobile phone and do not text anyone (old age) so initialese is a foreign language.

Thank you Snoman for your great analogy. I have often spoken about depression being invisible but your description is far more visual and I would think more people could relate to this description.

Snoman thank you also for your kind remarks. I was touched and got, as usual, a bit teary. I am working on believing in myself. I just hope I do not get overbearing.

Helen, cut the crap is obviously allowed on BB which is good. When I get those sorts of remarks I end up staying quiet but just lately I have also resolved not to put up with it any longer. I think when I need to respond to this type of remark I will ask the person concerned when they had depression as they know so much about it. Probably very rude, not to mention somewhat aggressive, but what the hell, why should we be put down by ignorance.

Snoman, your comment about not seeing me as I see myself is interesting. I suppose none of us see ourselves as others do. I wonder why it is so hard to be objective about ourselves. And I'm not talking about people with depression only. Think of all the folk you know and their various traits. How many realise they are being offensive (as Helen describes) or uncaring. What about those who are always "right" or who "know everything"? I'm sure you can add to the list.

And why do folk who are depressed always see the worst in themselves rather than the good things they do or are? I know it's part of depression, but what is actually happening to our brains?

I am seeing the psych tomorrow so if I get time I might ask. Shortly I am going to talk with someone about continuing to attend my church. I see no reason why I should leave just because the priest does not want me there, especially as I was there before him. On the other hand the stress is bad for me. Perhaps I can talk about this later.

LING

[BeeGee]

Hi Ling

Yes, text shorthand can be quite confusing! BTW = By The Way.  You might see a few others like ATM (at the moment), LOL (laughing out loud) and so on. Don't hesitate to ask when you're stumped by a new one!

I'm shocked by your comment about your priest not wanting you at church - is this just because you have depression?  That's terrible.  Christian community should be about love, care and acceptance - not judgement and rejection.  I think Father Whatshisname needs to go back and have a read of his bible.  Our church has a special ministry to people with emotional, psychological and relational problems; they are welcomed as people who need what God offers, and it's up to us to be his hands and feet to show that love.  I'm appalled that anyone, let alone a priest, would even suggest that you should not be welcome in church regardless of your struggles or how long you have or haven't been there.  The greater the need, the more love needs to be shown!

I don't know where you live - maybe there aren't a lot of other churches around, but if that's the sort of attitude you face maybe you'd be better off looking elsewhere anyway.  I know there are friendships that you will have formed, but hopefully if they are real friends you can maintain those relationships regardless of what church you choose to attend.  Don't be afraid of different denominations... "brand loyalty" is a thing of the past.  I think it's much more important to find a church that meets your needs and you can make a contribution according to your capacities than to stick with a denomination just because that's what you've always known.  I jumped ship from my old denomination 10 years ago over some concerns I had, and went to a very different church.  At first it was a bit intimidating, being much larger than my old church and full of strangers, but now I can confidently say it was the best thing I ever did.

My feeling is that the last thing you need when battling depression is to be made to feel like an outsider in the one place you should get unconditional acceptance.  If they can't get something so basic right, think hard about why you want to be there, and whether somewhere else might not be better for you.

[White_Rose]

Hello BeeGee

Thanks for your righteous indignation. I should have made myself clearer. The priest is the cause of my depression. He has bullied and harassed me very badly. I complained and all hell broke loose. He was exonerated (surprise, surprise) and ever since he has felt it's OK to continue writing emails to other people abusing me.

I could leave, but don't want to. Still deciding what to do. The worst part is that it is the church that is doing this and no one is doing anything about him. I agree heartily with your sentiments and feel very disappointed at the way things have turned out. However, I am getting help and maybe he will be told to apply to another church. Maybe not. That's how we got him.

Thanks for your support. I haven't spoken about it much because I am ashamed of the church and feel uncomfortable telling anyone.

LING