If this is mild depression why does it feel so horrible?

[HelenM]

Ok. Twelve years ago I had a depression that was so awful I am still traumatised by it. Over the years my depression has become much milder and  sometimes my good spells have lasted for many months. Usually I come out of a depression within a few months and maybe within almost half of that my mood is good. 

I went into a depression that was very mild 6 months ago. A few good days here and there. In April I could actually feel the depression lifting above me one day. My depression became milder still. And since then I've had a few good weeks on a couple of occasions. I've also had  two separate weeks of totally irrational fear,believing I was definitely going back to that terrible place of 12 years ago. No amount of normal reasoning could change my fears. Each time it went within a week. 

Here I am now after several very anxious days - I think they're going now. My mood is mildly depressed. But if it's mild why do I just feel like screaming? Why do I want the day to be over. I will have another good day, maybe a few weeks. I know that it's the duration of it that's getting me down. It's the feeling that life will always be like this. The struggling to find the motivation to mow the grass later. The wanting to cry cos I've walked dog pooh in the house. The longing to enjoy my husband's company but even though I love him I feel too fed up.

Compared to my first depression this is nothing. But I think that for someone who had never experienced depression it would be awful - they'd feel their life was over. And in so many ways my life has had to die bit by bit. Working, living on my own, being able to help out my kids on a practical level. I've adjusted to all this. I just can't adjust to feeling rubbish in my head for much of the time.

Lots of people here have chronic mental health problems. They are all lovely people. The long term users rarely mention feeling rubbish regularly or for weeks on end. Is that because you are enduring these difficulties but trying to get by? Or are you going through a good spell? Do you have months on end of struggling? My GP sees me regularly. He says this is how I am. I do all the right stuff to help myself. My meds are ok. I think I've to just carry on enjoying the good bits and hoping I get a few months off again.

On here I've been given lots of support. Still I'm coming out with the same moans. I'm sorry about that. I just find it so hard to put up with this even though it's mild.

Thanks, Helen

[White_Rose]

Dear Suzy

Thank you for your post and welcome to Beyond Blue.  I have been posting here for a while but only recently had the courage to reveal much about myself. And yes, as you say, being loved and accepted by others, especially those who are or have been where I am, is amazing.

That's what makes BB such a fantastic site. No judgmental comments, just as much help as each of us can give. And I think you are right about not trying to get others to understand. After one of my daughters had her first baby she said to me, "Mom, you didn't tell me what it was going to be like." So I asked her what she was going to tell her daughter. She said "Oh".  There are some things that are very hard to describe and depression is one of them.

Asking for acceptance is great. Either you will get it or not. Mostly folk shrug and pass on but those who care about you or care about others will walk with you, at least as far as they can. The trick is knowing who will do what and I find it best not to reveal too much until I can gauge their likely reaction. But of course we don't pour out our souls to everyone in any case.

Thank you for your encouragement and support.  Please continue to post here. We would all love to hear from you again.

Warm regards

LING

[BeeGee]

Thanks Helen. My days mostly alternate between "pre-diagnosis normal" and "discouraged and negative".  Thankfully it's usually more of the former than the latter.

I have to confess that some days the whole depression thing is doing my head in and I feel like I was better off before diagnosis. I find it is consuming my thinking, and almost my entire attention has switched from mostly outwards to mostly inwards. I make an effort to move my focus outwards but inevitably it wanders back into its newly formed rut without me noticing. I hate being so self absorbed, it's very unnatural for me.

I know it's early days and the beginning is always bumpy. I guess I had unrealistic expectations that starting treatment would be the beginning of a largely smooth trajectory upwards but if anything I feel like I'm going backwards before I can start going forwards. Ah well, c'est la vie. I just have to keep faith that the end result will be worth it, and yet there are so many mixed results for the long termers here on BB that there's no way to be sure. Living in liminality - no longer in my old world but not yet in my new world - is hard, especially when there's no way to know what that new world will even look like. It might not match my expectations at all.

[White_Rose]

Dear BeeGee

Sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit confused. The Black Dog strikes again. Have you read anything about neuroplasticity?  You mention going down a newly formed rut which is how our brains work. The trick is make the effort to make a different rut again, one that takes you to a better place.

As I understand it we make our own neural pathways and they can be changed. When you catch yourself wandering down the old paths or "bad" new paths it's time to change direction. Your default pathway needs time to allow the grass to grow over it while you start trampling down a new path. The after a while it becomes more of a habit to go down the new way.

Put it in your search engine and see how much information there is on the subject.Also how much better the explanations are than mine. But it does work if you keep at it. I am learning, albeit slowly, and it does give me some relief.

LING

[BeeGee]

Yes, I do know a little about neuroplasticity and synaptic reinforcement through habituation. What I've yet to learn are the practical skills in driving my thinking in new directions. I know my psychologist will get to it at some point but we're not there yet - I've only had three sessions so far.

I guess that's a part of what I was talking about before - knowing in part where I want to be but not really knowing how to get there yet.

When I'm not procrastinating like I have been today I'm usually pretty flat out with my studies and don't have a heap of time for extra research. There's much I'd like to read up on, but I have to be careful with my time to be sure I get the necessary stuff done. I will pay the price during this coming week for my slack day today!

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I have not been on this thread for a while so decided to catch up with it this morning before I dash off for work. Thank you so much to you all for the wonderful words of encouragement and for the generous sharing of your experiences and moments with depression.

I thoroughly enjoyed your explanation of neuroplasticity LING. I am quite a visual person so could understand your description very well. I grew up in the country where there were still deep wheel ruts made from horse and carts "hundreds" (Ha Ha) of years ago. The furrows in the ground were still deep and very noticeable in some places, especially where the soil was hard and rocky. For cars of these days, the track is still rough unless you have a 4 wheeled drive to cruise over the top of them. With more traffic, the ruts are diminishing. I like your story of the grass having to grow over the top of the ruts.

I know I need to make more time to practise the methods I have learnt to help and assist me through my depression, I just haven't made them a habit yet.

Thankyou all once again for  your generosity in sharing, caring and helping others along life's journey.

God's blessing to you all and momnets of joy as well.

Cheers, from Doolhof

[geoff]

well who should I address this to, but let's say dear All, as Helen started this post it has incorporated some many interesting replies/comments that it's so hard to distinguish the best point, because they are all good points and range from a wide variety from you all who have had or still suffering from depression, I love it.

Just a couple of points I would like to raise, why is it acceptable for a well known actor who could make the world laugh at his movies or when on stage doing ad lib with no script die from suicide, and the world takes notice and feels so sorry for him and his family, so they accept this, but if someone off the street dies the same way it's either not taken notice off or criticised for being stupid, not thinking about the future of how h/her spouse/partner and children will be able to cope, so the acceptance is nil, compared to Robin Williams.

Ling I am very interested in what the priest has done to you, but you may not want to talk about it, but I am concerned whether he bullied and harassed you just to gain dominance over you in a particular way.

I haven't read what's on page 2 yet and I certainly don't mean no harm in what I say. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

I've just read your post Geoff and it's a very good point you make. Tragically many really unfortunate people take their life and often nothing is said even in local papers. In Scotland suicide is only exceeded by car crashes for deaths in young men. 

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen

I haven't posted for a while and I feel I have lost touch with everyone. The retreat was fabulous but I came home fighting off the 'flu, finally succumbing. Now getting better but I get very down about it.

How are you travelling? I hope you are getting out of the Slough of Despair as John Bunyan put it.

I agree with Geoff about the acceptability of suicide for celebrities. There is so much more to it than that and in some ways it trivializes suicide by making it 'respectable'.

Aaaah, just realised the time. Must fly.

LING

[HelenM]

Hi LING

I'm glad you enjoyed your retreat. I'm glad to see you back on here too, rid ot the flu and hopefully keeping well in your head too.

I started a thread called What's going on? or something like that. It explains where I am though only read it if you want. Having said that the more ideas people give the better

I think it's called that anyway. No matter, it's a question of some sort.

It's funny - I have no relatives in Australia and felt no connection to it. Since I've been on here I feel I've got lots of Australian friends. When someone mentions Australia now I feel a connection. For me that's really nice.

Take care, Helen.

[White_Rose]

Dear Helen

It's good to hear from you again. I can't find your new post.  Where did you put it?

I said I had recovered from the 'flu but it doubled back and hit me again. So here I am feeling very sorry for myself, as you do, trying to keep either warm or cool depending on my temperature and generally fed up. However, I'm sure it will go away soon.  Even the 'flu can't hang around for ever (can it?).

LING