If this is mild depression why does it feel so horrible?

[HelenM]

Ok. Twelve years ago I had a depression that was so awful I am still traumatised by it. Over the years my depression has become much milder and  sometimes my good spells have lasted for many months. Usually I come out of a depression within a few months and maybe within almost half of that my mood is good. 

I went into a depression that was very mild 6 months ago. A few good days here and there. In April I could actually feel the depression lifting above me one day. My depression became milder still. And since then I've had a few good weeks on a couple of occasions. I've also had  two separate weeks of totally irrational fear,believing I was definitely going back to that terrible place of 12 years ago. No amount of normal reasoning could change my fears. Each time it went within a week. 

Here I am now after several very anxious days - I think they're going now. My mood is mildly depressed. But if it's mild why do I just feel like screaming? Why do I want the day to be over. I will have another good day, maybe a few weeks. I know that it's the duration of it that's getting me down. It's the feeling that life will always be like this. The struggling to find the motivation to mow the grass later. The wanting to cry cos I've walked dog pooh in the house. The longing to enjoy my husband's company but even though I love him I feel too fed up.

Compared to my first depression this is nothing. But I think that for someone who had never experienced depression it would be awful - they'd feel their life was over. And in so many ways my life has had to die bit by bit. Working, living on my own, being able to help out my kids on a practical level. I've adjusted to all this. I just can't adjust to feeling rubbish in my head for much of the time.

Lots of people here have chronic mental health problems. They are all lovely people. The long term users rarely mention feeling rubbish regularly or for weeks on end. Is that because you are enduring these difficulties but trying to get by? Or are you going through a good spell? Do you have months on end of struggling? My GP sees me regularly. He says this is how I am. I do all the right stuff to help myself. My meds are ok. I think I've to just carry on enjoying the good bits and hoping I get a few months off again.

On here I've been given lots of support. Still I'm coming out with the same moans. I'm sorry about that. I just find it so hard to put up with this even though it's mild.

Thanks, Helen

[BeeGee]

I understand that you feel ashamed of this behaviour - I would too. This is a case where it's not depression-based shame but legitimate shame that the church has fallen so far short of where it should be.

However, knowing the role your priest has played doesn't change my views at all - rather it makes them stronger. I can understand that you might feel like he should be made to take responsibility for his behaviour, and you're probably right - but does that really help you?  Wouldn't you be better off in a caring and supportive environment?

My feeling is that it's better to be loved than to be "right". It sucks that you should have to think about leaving because of his behaviour, but if that's what is going to be the most help for you then that should be an option on the table.

[White_Rose]

Yes, it may come to this. I was talking with someone from the diocese today about my feelings and what action I should be taking. It is a little more complicated as I am involved in several home groups which I am reluctant to give up. They are part of my spiritual life.

Yes it is better to be cared for, but I do have support from some people. There are just days when it all gets too much. Staying on principle is not a good idea I agree, though it would grieve me to feel he can "force" me to leave. My mental health is far too important to indulge in stubbornness.

So I will trudge on a little more and see what happens. Will be talking to both my doctor and psych tomorrow. Whoopee!!!!!!!!!!!!

LING

[BeeGee]

Well all the best to you - I'm sure you will make the right decision in the end. Whatever that is, I trust that you will find peace and comfort, and know the support of your friends and loved ones. If it's OK I would like to pray for you too - I'm sure God can figure out who Ling is!

[HelenM]

Hi Ling

I'm a practising catholic and find myself wondering if it's the RC church you're talking about. I'm thinking you said it was.If it is then none of this surprises me. But I feel so upset for you. No one has the right to treat you this way. It makes me so angry that anyone let alone those who believe in God's love choose to act so clearly against the love that God and Jesus have taught us. 

About ten years ago I was involved in a charity that raised money for the needy. We were down to five members, me and my husband being two of them. The other three wanted to give our priest some money. My husband said this was against the rules of the charity. A few weeks later our priest came into the meeting and said thank you for the donation. Knowing nothing of it I asked how much we'd given him. It was £1000. The three had acted without our knowledge. When I rang the Group Council Secretary later he told me that although it was wrong 'we don't want to rock the boat'.  I was shocked to say the least. Eventually I spoke to the priest who said his conscience was clear. I left the charity just after that.

I can't remember where I am with this as my two year old twin grandsons have been demanding my attention.

I will write again later, Helen x

[HelenM]

Hi Ling 

I hope you get on well with your Doc and Psych. 

I hope too that everyone's support on BB helps - we all benefit from your help here.

I've had a few better days. This morning though my depression starting grubbing about in my mind looking for tasty little morsels to feed my thoughts. So though I'm not too bad when I'm not distracted my thinking goes a bit weird. Nothing new for me.

Take care, Helen x

[White_Rose]

Thanks Helen and BeeGee for your kind words and support. I am now wondering why I have not opened up before and asked for help. Ah well!

Yes please BeeGee, I would very much appreciate your prayers. I too am sure God can find me.

Helen, not the RC but Anglican. Sad but true. Your experience is similar to mine except that it did not involve giving the priest money, just not doing what he ordered. He could not accept that this is a charitable trust and therefore not under his personal control. But lots of abuse and lies. Anyway, I think I am getting better. Discussed with both doctor and psych about leaving the church. No conclusions yet but I am working on it. I have been given lots to think about and homework from both.

It's good that you have had a couple of better days. I have felt better this week and more able to cope. I am looking forward to going to Sydney on Sunday to a week long silent meditation retreat. I think the quiet and concentration on other things will be great.

Love your description of depression grubbing about in your mind looking for tasty morsels. So true! Sounds as if we need to do some spring cleaning.

Twin grandsons, wow! That's enough to keep anyone busy and the mind focused. I get exhausted with one at a time.

LING

[BeeGee]

Wow - a week of silent meditation! Sounds like heaven, I'm just a bit jealous.

Have a wonderful time - I hope you return refreshed and re-energised.

[HelenM]

I am afraid of going away anywhere at the moment other than one night with my husband nearby. When I'm unwell I am always like this. Even when I'm well I can't go on a retreat - it's a confidence issue but I'm not sure what. My oldest sister is a nun. She is about a nine hour train journey away which is  lot here. I do go down occasionally though it's been a few years. I love it as the convent is very peaceful. She came up here last year and it was great. I was keeping well and I enjoy her company.

Trying to live by your conscience is hard isn't it? I don't think I choose to it just happens to me.

I love my twins though they are exhausting. I never watch them alone other than the odd hour. I wouldn't have the energy.

Right now I'm very nervous. A woman is coming to my house in a couple of hours to give me  - a holistic treatment. I'm very nervous. I'll let people on here know if it's a benefit.

How are things with you Bee Gee? I hope you're having some good days.

Helen x

[White_Rose]

Generally I cannot go anywhere more than an hours drive, which is to my youngest son. However, I am being taken to the airport, meeting someone for the flight and being collected at the airport. I would not cope with finding my way from the airport to the retreat. So I have gratefully accepted the various offers  and hope I will manage the week. Once there it should be OK.

I remember when I lived in England arranging to go to Italy with a work colleague. Went to the bank to get my traveler's cheques and passed out from anxiety. I think I was in my 20s at the time. Not a good look. Always get anxious before travelling which is a bit how I feel at the moment, but I do feel relatively good about it. Maybe I am finally getting over this particular problem?

I am intrigued by your upcoming treatment. What exactly is it? My sister used to get acupuncture regularly and there is always massage so I look forward to hearing about this treatment.

Doing what you think is right is not always the easiest thing.  I believe we should always try. Of course if everyone did that how much nicer the world would be. On the other hand there would no doubt be a myriad of different opinions on what is right as we are all products of our upbringing.

I hope you enjoy your treatment.

LING

[Suzy_Q]

Do you all know how incredible you are? You share thoughts, feelings, tears, ideas, solutions, help, and love with virtual strangers. I have never experienced such acceptance without question as I have seen on just this one thread. I have stopped trying to get people to understand how my depression affects me, but rather, I ask for their acceptance that it is a part of me, because I finally accepted that about myself. I don't expect others to understand if they have not had depression, the same as I cannot understand what it is like for someone with cancer, or alzheimers, or heart disease etc. Depression will be something I always have and I have learned to accept that as I would diabetes, or any other condition. Thank you all so much for everything you have shared.