If this is mild depression why does it feel so horrible?

[HelenM]

Ok. Twelve years ago I had a depression that was so awful I am still traumatised by it. Over the years my depression has become much milder and  sometimes my good spells have lasted for many months. Usually I come out of a depression within a few months and maybe within almost half of that my mood is good. 

I went into a depression that was very mild 6 months ago. A few good days here and there. In April I could actually feel the depression lifting above me one day. My depression became milder still. And since then I've had a few good weeks on a couple of occasions. I've also had  two separate weeks of totally irrational fear,believing I was definitely going back to that terrible place of 12 years ago. No amount of normal reasoning could change my fears. Each time it went within a week. 

Here I am now after several very anxious days - I think they're going now. My mood is mildly depressed. But if it's mild why do I just feel like screaming? Why do I want the day to be over. I will have another good day, maybe a few weeks. I know that it's the duration of it that's getting me down. It's the feeling that life will always be like this. The struggling to find the motivation to mow the grass later. The wanting to cry cos I've walked dog pooh in the house. The longing to enjoy my husband's company but even though I love him I feel too fed up.

Compared to my first depression this is nothing. But I think that for someone who had never experienced depression it would be awful - they'd feel their life was over. And in so many ways my life has had to die bit by bit. Working, living on my own, being able to help out my kids on a practical level. I've adjusted to all this. I just can't adjust to feeling rubbish in my head for much of the time.

Lots of people here have chronic mental health problems. They are all lovely people. The long term users rarely mention feeling rubbish regularly or for weeks on end. Is that because you are enduring these difficulties but trying to get by? Or are you going through a good spell? Do you have months on end of struggling? My GP sees me regularly. He says this is how I am. I do all the right stuff to help myself. My meds are ok. I think I've to just carry on enjoying the good bits and hoping I get a few months off again.

On here I've been given lots of support. Still I'm coming out with the same moans. I'm sorry about that. I just find it so hard to put up with this even though it's mild.

Thanks, Helen

[HelenM]

Oh Ling, that is so sad that you feel unworthy of attention. You are a unique person with lots of lovely caring qualities and a very articulate way of expressing them. I think too, from what I have read that you stick up for your beliefs.

I don't turn to my daughter as I know that with her little ones life can be a struggle. My son understands depression in an academic way but not with his Mum. I was telling him how I'd overdone it last week. It involved going into Glasgow and into a big expensive dept store and choosing to buy a highly expensive, fold-uppable ruler which I couldn't afford. Obviously the doing too much involved a lot more but when I'd finished he said with some amusement 'So MUm, you've ended up in an anxiety state because you bought a ruler'. Actually my son genuinely makes me smile. I do have a husband and I think Ling it must be hard for you living on your own.

Could I tell you that it would help me a great deal if you said how you felt. People saying lovely things to me on here is really lovely. But I really do benefit from people saying how they're feeling. 1.Because I can try to help 2. Because I don't feel so alone.

I don't feel worthless but I do feel ashamed for feeling so sorry for myself and being so miserable. I think that anyone with my mood would cope really well with it. Because I believe in God I feel I should be able to deal with this and in fact at night when I say my prayers I tend to feel my best. Then morning comes and here I am again.

[HelenM]

I didn't tell you but I dreamt about you LIng, about a week ago.Somehow we were talking on the phone. I realised who you were but you didn't know it was me. When I told you you put the phone down on me because it took away your confidentiality. I was really disappointed as knowing who you were was not a problem for me.

Maybe this is a little bit true. It is from my side. I always find your posts helpful and through the years my emotions have been too big for my body and I've had to express them.

The best and possibly the only people who can really understand your pain are those who experience it themselves. Sharing our pain is, I think, as important as sharing our support. In fact as I type this I realise that it's almost an obsession with me. I feel so alome despite knowing there are countless others suffering.

Just now writing this down is helping me. But if you feel that me dreaming of you is a bit creepy I apologise. But certainly you are far from worthless in my eyes.

Helen

[HelenM]

Hi Doolhof

Thanks for your post.

You're right - it does help being on this site and given your kind thoughts it seems you fit in perfectly.

It's important, well for me anyway, to remember that bad spells can take a wee while to go or months. I say this because I've been stuck here since January although I've had bits of good in it.

Once I said to a psychiatrist that I just wished it was a physical illness. She told me it was. I't's an imbalance of chemicals in our brain. She's right actually but I still can't feel that way. A couple of years ago my depression was focussing more on Winter which in Scotland is very dark. I don't think you have this in Australia but in the Northern Hemisphere we have a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's a depression that is totally connected to the lack of daylight and for me was coming at the beginning of Nov and going in March. It is accepted by people as a physical illness. When my GP said that's what it was it felt such a relief. I wasn't weak. I couldn't help it. I was physically ill. Then last Winter my depression didn't come til late January and it's been there since. So the shame is back and the feeling that it'll never end. Nobody will convince me that the stigma of despression has gone. It's much better but STILL many people see us as weak, and our biggest critics are often ourselves.

Take care, Helen

[White_Rose]

Dear Helen

Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am honoured that you dreamed of me. As far as I know no one has ever dreamed of me so I can chalk up a first. Even though it was a dream I am sorry I did not want to talk to you. In reality I would love to have a good old chat.

At last it is dawning on me that it is OK to talk about my feelings without being told to get on with life. Depression is so scary for others, but it is also scary for me. All my nightmares come true. I feel as though I am a second class person who can be ignored because I'm not quite right in the head.

Or maybe that's just how I feel about depression. I just don't know anymore. I'm told I was good at my job and at the voluntary work I did, and I thought so too. But when there was a problem I fell apart, though there were a lot of nasty things done to me.

I feel very alone with my thoughts because I cannot share them with anyone, except the psych. And because he listens and is a good man I don't want to stop going to him. How pathetic is that? I feel I can't manage without his support and I feel so ashamed of myself for feeling that way. Inside me there is this constant battle between what I feel I ought to do, think, feel and what I want. So I constantly berate myself for being such a baby and not getting on with life.

The psych tells me I can manage on my own, I just need to believe in myself. This sets off a panic attack because I think I can no longer go to him. Have you ever heard of anyone being such an idiot? Why would you choose to go to a psych when you are told you are really OK? I am surprised I have told you this as I have not admitted it to anyone, although the psych is probably well aware of it. So tell me how stupid I am.

If I write anymore I will start crying again.

LING

[BeeGee]

Hi Ling,

I think it's actually quite brave of you to face something you've never been able to admit to before.  That's a really significant milestone, and although you feel rubbish about it, I hope that you can take some comfort or pride in the fact that you are looking your fears in the face rather than avoiding them.

I think that you are the best judge of the help you need.  I'm guessing your psych is not trying to tell you not to keep coming, but is trying to show you the strength that he can see in you and wants to foster.  So, maybe that strength is still a seedling and needs more nurturing before it can withstand the storms - that's OK, it doesn't mean it isn't there.  You keep getting whatever help helps you, and I think it's fantastic that you've found someone you relate to, and who is able to help you effectively.

By all means continue to dump here.  I seriously doubt anyone is going to be shocked, disappointed or offended by anything anyone says.  On the contrary, you are probably helping to put words to some of the things we are feeling but maybe can't articulate.  As Helen said, it really does help to hear when others are having a hard time - for me I feel less isolated by what I'm experiencing to know it's a shared experience.

Thank you for your honesty.

[HelenM]

Firstly, I want to say thank you To Agrace, Ling and Bee Gee. I can't tell you how much these posts are helping me. Ling I've just seen that you've posted somewhere. I want to post on here to you and to Ling and Bee Gee. But for this moment I really hope you see this post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You and I are similar probably because we're not youngsters. 

Talk later

Helen x

[HelenM]

Hi AGrace - is a for amazing. I love that hymn.

Your post is incredibly helpful. From your post I believe that you would accept your situation if it didn't change any over time. It seems that the big difference between you and me is acceptance and lack of guilt, maybe the two go hand in hand. Today is a bad day. As I thought of your post though I felt a bit better. I realised that I compound my depression because of the shame I feel. I feel guilty towards my Mum, my daughter, my husband, friends and people I know to talk to who love to hear I'm well. I even feel guilty towards the dog sometimes!  Nobody criticises me for my depression - all of these people are supportive. I think I'm letting them down. My son I don't feel guilty towards. He is very pragmatic and can't imagine why he'd worry about me - he's got his life to live. Funnily enough he can really make me laugh with his attitude.

I read on a post that you find mindfulness helpful. I have a book on it. I don't feel fit to go on a course for it unless it was very much for people at my level of health. If that sounds daft it's because often courses such as this attract people who have difficulties but are living a full life. The book I bought does suggest being 'better' from depression before trying it. However, if you could tell me a bit about your views on it I'd love to hear. I've tried concentrating on what I'm doing and after about 5 mins I hate it.

Also AGrace, have you tried reiki. I'm about to try that. A friend with MS found it helpful and it seems to get a good name too.

Another problem I have and has been pointed out to me by my GP, counsellors and family members is my constant analysis of my condition. I work out the patterns my mood is taking and when it deviates negatively I become concerned - I should be having better days, I'm becoming more ill. This again is about worrying about the future.

I feel I have mountains to learn. In terms of doing I learnt quite quickly the need to be active. But getting my attitude sorted! Well twelve years on and I'm no nearer.

Thank you for your post. It has put light on my difficulties.

Helen x

[HelenM]

Ling. Like it or not you are very similar to me. I'm sorry to tell you that is not a compliment. The only difference is that whereas you don't talk about it I can't shut up. I feel ashamed about that. 

If you're an idiot so am I. Many years ago I was discharged from counselling sessions by my support worker. She said I didn't need her anymore. She made the mistake of telling me I could ring if I needed. It was about 18 months later and with some irritation the receptionist told me to stop ringing. I wondered how I'd manage. She was an excellent support. Even now I'm not confident of managing on my own. I see my GP once a month even though he tells me I can manage without him. He accepts though that for me it's 'touching base'. 

We have a terrible illness. I think you're older than me from what I remember. I'm 54 but I feel early 60s. When I was a teenager I became aware of people who weren't right in the head. They went to the 'funny farm'. The white van would come and take them away, people said, joking or not I don't know. To me mental illness, they were nutters in my day, were people who were not part of society and they never became normal.  At 19, it was 1979, I decided to train as a psychiatric nurse. It was a big old hospital and on the long stay wards stunk of urine and the TV blared. Women who had been promiscuous in their teens, a man whose only problem was epilepsy were among the patients. The most common problem was institutionalisation.  The admission ward was scary and the nurses on both types of wards liked to have a laugh at the patients expense. Dare I admit that I laughed too. I left after a year.

Whilst there is still prejudice I do think people are not just as ignorant. I find in Britain though an episode of depression that lasts several months ( I experienced that before my biggie) is understood. Chronic depression? I've been told by enough people that I don't try hard enough.

Cry Ling. I do. Living with this for years without tears and you'd have to be without emotion or punishing yourself. I'm close to tears just now

Helen x

[Doolhof]

Dear Helen,

Hi. I am really sorry to read that you sometimes feel a sense of shame with your depression. I too have been told it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, but try telling that to someone who has never suffered from depression for a day in their life, they just don't understand how it can feel. Nor can I understand how a person with cancer feels as I have not experienced that. We all experience situations and diseases differently anyway.

There is no need for depression suffers to feel shame, guilt or like we need to explain ourselves to others, but sometimes we feel like we need to.

A few years ago, "life" become too much for me until I went "bang" as I like to put it. I ended up in the emergency ward of a hospital for 3 days before they found a bed for me in the mental health ward/lock up where I spent two weeks.

There were 20 or more of us in the ward, both male and female. A couple of friends came in to visit me, one friend even managed it twice! My husband popped in a couple of times, but I think he was so uncomfortable he didn't stay for long. We were certainly a mixed bunch of people.

I didn't find the staff there at all helpful. I could speak to a different nurse each morning for 5 minutes and that was about it as far as any form of medical care went, apart from about 2 hours of seeing a psychiatrist for the whole two weeks.

At the time I was working with children. The psychiatrist told me not to let my employer know where I had been as I would probably find myself being made redundant. This was a person involved in mental health making me feel like my mental health problems were something to hide and be ashamed of!

I returned to work, I told my employer where I had been, I notified the parents of the children where I had been and openly discussed my situation with them. I stayed on at that job for a couple more years until it was my decision to leave due to other issues, not my mental health.

I told my family and friends and my church family as well. My husband on the other hand asked me not to tell anyone whom we were joint friends with as he found it too embarrassing to admit his wife had a mental health problem.

So I try not to feel shame. I feel plenty of negative emotions with my depression, but try hard not to feel shame.

I hope you have the strength to move on from shame and into acceptance.

From Doolhof

[HelenM]

Hi Doolhof

Your post is very interesting. When I first had depression I was sent to a counsellor. My (first) husband and me told our teenage children I was going to some meetings and didn't say where. A year later I went off sick with depression and told my kids. My husband wasn't pleased. He said I should have told them I had 'flu. I tried to come of my ADs but when I had to go back on them he said I might as well turn to drink. My husband I have can't see any problem and wonders why I feel shame. He developed very bad epilepsy though as a 12yr old and had to come to terms with that.

The shame is awful. So often I have wished that this could be given an obvious physical diagnosis. But although I know I feel shame it is occurring to me that I can maybe drop the stigma. Ironically I have no problem telling people. I just assume they see me as less than them - but I've always felt that anyway.

Good for you telling your employers and the parents. 

I remember reading an article and it said that just as gays have come out those with mental illness should too, My son is gay and the change in attitudes that has come about since he told me 15 yrs ago is tremendous. If only attitudes in mental health could change as speedily. 

I'm finding loads of helpful posts on this thread and I'm delighted that my feeling of shame doesn't apply to everyone.

Helen