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I want to start living but I don't know how

spontaneous sunflower
Community Member
I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a number of years now. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since I was diagnosed and I’ve sought help on these forums. Both have been helpful; some aspects of my mental health have improved and some haven’t. I’d say the main thing getting help has done is made me understand my feelings better and stop me from causing serious harm to myself. But I’m yet to see some real improvement and I’m starting to feel hopeless. I feel like I’m losing everything and I didn’t even have much to begin with. I left high school because of my struggles. I completed a one-year TAFE course but have yet to do anything with it. I’m 19 and I’ve never had a job because of my anxiety. I’ve been trying to apply for jobs and have even been to a couple job interviews but the whole process is just nauseating and I’m so inept at the whole thing. All my friends are going on with their uni degrees, working and earning/saving money, getting their licenses, etc. I have none of that because of my anxiety and depression. Everyday I feel myself falling behind my friends and drifting away from them. All of this boils down to the stark realisation that I don’t really know who I am or what I want. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life so far trying to work this out. I’ve always been quite self-analytical and philosophical. Maybe that’s my ultimate issue. I can’t just do things (like most functioning adults do), I need to almost feel like it’s my purpose to do whatever the thing is. But I’ve never really felt like that, I feel like an imposter and out of place in most situations. It scares me that I’m almost 20 and I have no work experience, no savings, no prospects. I know I don’t need to have everything figured out but I honestly have nothing figured out. Life just isn’t very fun and I don’t think I’m a fun person to be around anymore but I’m not sure how to change any of this. I look back on my life so far and I don't feel I was even there for most of it, like even in the good memories I'm in disbelief that it was even real. Maybe I'm just thinking this because right now I'm nowhere near "happy" or "okay"... I don't know. I just feel like I haven't lived and I want to but I don't even know how to start. I feel like my whole life is just being eaten away by my depression, anxiety and internal battles.
22 Replies 22

Hi spontaneous sunflower,

Great to hear you found some comfort in knowing you are not alone - I agree, it can definitely be such an isolating experience so it is good you have reached out and shared your story, it helps not only you but all of us to connect and support each other through it.

Well done for doing some tidying/cleaning! That's a brilliant step, hopefully it made you feel a bit of accomplishment? Remember even the smallest effort is progress.

How have you been feeling today?

Hi, sorry for the delayed response/update. I have been finding it hard to express myself lately, words aren't coming to me easily these days...until right now haha.

It's been pretty 1 step forward, 2 steps back for me these past couple weeks. Sometimes I notice a lift in my mood but I feel like I'm still lacking the energy to do more of the things that cheer me up. Cleaning my room made me feel a little better, but quickly it became a mess again as I lack the energy/motivation to put things away. However today I simply picked up a few clothes and made my bed and it felt like a little bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. I haven't been leaving the house much, but when I do it's hit or miss on whether it improves my mood or not. I'm really struggling with fatigue at the moment, so when I'm out at the shops, for instance, I find myself getting really tired really quickly and I spend the rest of the shopping trip feeling very disoriented and out of it. Sometimes I can push through this tiredness and when I finally get back home I can recognise that it was nice to be out of the house for a change. I have always said to myself that getting better isn't a linear process which really is true at the moment, but regardless I still find the "lack of progress" frustrating.

Last week I went to the doctors. I saw a new doctor because I didn't like my old one and she was fortunately very kind and understanding of my mental health situation. She prescribed me meds  to help with my sleep and I am going back next week to find out the results of my blood test and I hope maybe I will get some answer on why I am so fatigued all the time.

Recently I learned something new that made me understand more about myself. Every psychologist I've ever seen has told me about the fight or flight response but only recently I learned about the freeze response. I feel like that's exactly how I've been responding to every stress, trauma or problem these past few years, and post-lockdowns I feel like it's gotten worse. I feel like I'm in this constant frozen, out of body state. I read a couple articles about this and some suggestions of how to overcome this freeze response such as grounding techniques. There are things that have helped with this in the past but my issue is staying consistent enough with it to notice a real difference.

That's my update! Overall still pretty sucky, trying to stay hopeful/positive but sometimes it's really hard to.

Hello Spontaneous sunflower, it's always good to hear back about how you are going and this applies for everyone.

We often hear ' one stand forward and two steps back' by many people and in most cases it's exactly what happens, but to do this, could mean that you've acknowledge that what you are approaching isn't quite right for you in this particular situation, but on another occasion you might not had to have to do this and been able to take two steps forward and one step back, so somewhere there might be a balance you might want to accept, because, perhaps not every situation is the same as another one.

It's easy to accept this when suffering but taking a step or two backwards, could mean we realise that we have to consider a bigger picture of what's actually happening and may in different circumstances be a good move for you.

Take care.

Geoff.

hey spontaneous sunflower

it is good to hear from you and i am glad you also find this space a non judgemental zone as well. This I can relate to

I hope to hear from you soon 🙂

Hi spontaneous sunflower, it's great to hear back from you on how things are going. I'm really happy for you that you have found a doctor you're more comfortable with - this is so important i think! Really interesting about the ''freeze'' response stuff too. I'd heard of this too but haven't read much up on it.

Grounding exercises and mindful breathing are such a helpful tool for mental health. Have you tried the 555 exercise? I like this one if I am feeling overwhelmed. I sit and close my eyes, and in my mind I identify 5 things I can physically feel, 5 things I can hear, then (with eyes open) 5 things I can see. The more descriptive the better.

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much with fatigue, it is understandable that this would make things so much more difficult. Hopefully there is an insight from your blood test results or new medication. Let us know how you go!

Remember, you are doing really well. Even these small efforts to tidy a space, get out of the house to the shops and finding a better doctor to work on how you're feeling are really positive. Keep doing what you can and be kind and gentle with yourself.

Look forward to hearing from you.

spontaneous sunflower
Community Member

Hi everyone, thank you for all the words of support + encouragement, and for reading all my updates!

The day after I last wrote on here I went to a concert with my friend. I was nervous about it because I haven't been going out much lately. But I ended up having a great time. On the train there I had a honest chat with my friend about how I've been feeling lately and she was very understanding and supportive. I know some people with anxiety would find being in a crowd of strangers at a concert very nerve wracking, but actually for me I found it was the perfect thing to throw me back into going out and socialising again. No one really cared that you were there or how you were dancing or singing, everyone was there for the same reason- for the music and to have a good time. Sometimes I find parties, going out or even shopping centres really overwhelming but I don't think i've ever been to a concert that I didn't enjoy.

It's a funny coincidence what happened the days following the concert. The very next day I went out for lunch with my parents at a restaurant we have gone to for years, and a waitress who is familiar with us suggested I hand in my resume. I came back with my resume and 10 minutes later I got a call asking if I could do a trial shift the next day! I was so nervous as I had no idea what to expect but my friends and family encouraged me and already being familiar with the restaurant eased my nerves a little. And to my suprise, the trial shift went well! All the staff were very nice, patient and helpful and thankfully it wasn't a busy night at the restaurant. The supervisor told me someone informed him that I did a great job, which was relieving to hear. Last night I found out I got the job and I have two shifts coming up later this week.

I started this thread after I had a bad job interview that left me feeling at my wits end with my job search. I haven't been looking for a job recently as I didn't think I was in the right mindset for it and then this happened. I'm hoping this inspires other parts of my life to fall into place. I already feel like my mindset has improved in the past week. Still feeling quite fatigued and my sleep has really only gotten worse (I wake up about every 2 hours at night, very frustrating). But on the other hand I'm reading more and drinking peppermint tea again. I've taken a new big step (a job) and some more little steps and I'm hoping this is the start of things looking up

Hi spontaneous sunflower,

Wow! I have to say, your recent post put a massive smile on my face. I am so thrilled to hear you've had so many positive things come your way and that you are feeling a bit better.

Big congratulations on the new job and well done for smashing your trial shift. That's fantastic. Isn't it so funny when we least expect it, sometimes life just offers us a solution and it works out so well? It's great you were less stressed due to the familiar environment, which means you could perform at your best.

I am also glad to hear you felt comfortable enough with your friend to open up about how you have been feeling on the way to the concert and that they were respectful and supportive. Sometimes it just really helps to be heard about these things, I'm sure they will be looking out for you now as well going forward.

Reading and peppermint tea are both lovely rituals to help unwind and prepare for bed - I do both of these myself! Sorry to hear your sleep is still quite disrupted, but maybe as you build up your new work routine this will start to shift as well? Magnesium can also nice for sleep too.

Let us know how you're going with the job and how you're feeling when you can.

All I can offer is support.
I feel much the same.

hi spontaneous sunflower

nice to hear from you, I wanted to say that there are a couple of themes I can relate to from what you have said.

your point about being in crowd and dealing with anxiety - sometimes i find being in amongst people even if i am not interacting with them can be good. I feel okay at that point. I think the same can be said for music in a club atmosphere - no really cares about us and how we dance lol.

Awesome news on that job front too - It goes to show that even though we may doubt ourselves, we can still prove ourselves to others.

Hey what you said here really resonated with me - " started this thread after I had a bad job interview that left me feeling at my wits end with my job search. I haven't been looking for a job recently as I didn't think I was in the right mindset for it and then this happened. I'm hoping this inspires other parts of my life to fall into place. "

I had an interview not too long ago and did't go well. I was in the same mindset. I guess a radical reshift kicked in and I started to look at new options and pathways I could go into. I am looking into many things. Life goes on hey? Your post did have that positive effect for me. So thanks heaps for making it 🙂

Hey are you copying me? reading more and drinking peppermint tea again? haha. Same!

Things are looking up. Just go with it and let the universe do its thing. In giving away the control - you've got it!

Take care and see you round

- Hamsolo01

Hey. Sounds like you're struggling at the moment, which is pretty normal, but you're also making some progress, so that's great!!!