I've never felt so low, I can't get out of the fog

[EloiseS]

Hi,

I'm Eloise and around 3 weeks ago a personal experience affected me deeply and profoundly. At the time I was overseas on the trip of a lifetime and was in very happy spirits. My life has never been perfect and even prior to this experience I was and still am in a very unhappy marriage. Despite this my life was functional and I sought and found enjoyment in many things that I now longer do. I can't function at all. I'm drinking almost every night or taking things to numb me or take away the horrible feelings and I was never like this before and just a social drinker. I only find solace in sleep and hate having to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I'm barely eating and have lost weight but seeing this as the only positive!!!! I have 3 kids and finding it hard to find happiness or joy in anything. The kids are happy and well cared for and would have no clue that I am going through this as I put up a good happy facade. The person responsible for my sadness initially came across as a charmer and now wants nothing to do with me and won't give me any explanations or answers. I know deep in my heart this person should be written off but I don't have any closure and cannot move forward. It has been 3 weeks now and I don't feel any better and have made the decision to seek professional help/medication tomorrow as I am having awful thoughts I cannot seem to to quash. To be honest I am not sure why I'm even here as I don't believe anything can help me. I hate myself.

[Pink_elephant]

Eloise your are beautiful and worthy. I can relate to where you are at - am feeling pretty much the same myself at the moment. You can get through it - love and light

[EloiseS]

Hi Pink Elephant,

Thanks for your response. I'm not feeling worthy or beautiful right now. I feel as though I have no purpose on this earth and wish I had never been born as I seem to only bring negativity into everyones lives.

I have a husband that tries too hard with me and the more I despise him and push him away the harder he tries with me and the worse I feel. It's a vicious cycle. I do not love him at all.

I want to leave but know I will not find anyone else who will love me for me. After the initial attraction, they will see I am not worth it.

I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation. I don't wish this on anyone 😞

I thought I had met my soulmate but it all fell to bits and I don't know what I did wrong. It must just be me.

[topsy_]

Dear Eloise

Please don't think that you only bring negativity into the lives of those close to you. The inner voice that is telling you that is lying - it's the voice of depression.

You are the only person who can ever be a mother to your 3 children. I once believed it was my duty to take myself from this life so that my 3 girls would have a better life. They would have been devastated & forever have suffered loss, grief, anger & more.

When I felt like this no alarm bells rang to alert me how wrong my thinking was. I did live on & finished raising my girls & they are all off living happy fruitful lives of their own.

AND there's one thing I never took into account - the wonderful joys of grandchildren. They alone have made all the struggles worth it.

Hang in there Eloise. Hang on tight. Things WILL get better. And at the times when you can't believe that then use someone else's belief. It will get better.

Thinking of you, Lyn.

[EloiseS]

Thanks Lyn.

I woke up feeling a little brighter but have crashed again. I can't live like this forever. I look at old people and can't imagine being old and increasingly unhappy. It doesn't seem appealing to me at all.

I feel useless. I hate life in its entirety. Everything is a struggle for me and I see no point in anything at all. I feel like life is a cruel thing for anyone to suffer through.

[Neil_1]

Dear Eloise,

I’m really sorry to hear how badly you’re feeling and how low you are at this time. May I please ask how old your children are?

You’ve mentioned that your children are loved and well cared for – and I can only assume that this is largely due to you. You say that you have at this moment no purpose in life, but from me looking from afar, I would think that a huge role that you’re playing and playing in a starring role is the Mum for your children. You’ve said so yourself about how they are and that they are unaware of the struggles that you’re dealing with.

You mentioned in your first post that about 3 weeks ago, you suffered a personal experience that affected you badly. Do you feel that this has led to how you’re feeling now or were you feeling this bad before that episode? From reading, it sounded an awful thing to have to deal with, especially when as you said, the trip should have been ‘the trip of a lifetime’.

You’ve mentioned that you’re now going to seek professional help and from what you’ve been posting, I think this is an excellent decision. Is that still on the cards?

I’d also like to pick up on something you said that you think you will not find anyone else, but in the next sentence you say, ‘after the initial attraction’; Eloise, when I read that, I sense that you have got the looks, the qualities, the appeal, the outlook to be able to meet up with a new person – as you said, ‘initial attraction’. After that though, there’s no telling for any of us how things will turn out.

I’ll send this off now, but would dearly love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps: Yellownanna’s posts to you have been wonderful and they are well worth reading a 2nd time.

[Perkins]

Dear Neil,

This is my first letter here. I am very impressed by everyone's eloquence.

I am a music teacher (since I was 16) - & I have a Delta Therapy dog who comes to all the local Nursing Homes & the Disabled Centre here with me.

He is brilliant - bringing so much joy & pleasure to the aged & disabled.

However, I am alone now & wish that what he & I pass on to the people in our community could be retained by myself, as most times I am very depressed & lonely. I have such a "happy, happy, joy, joy" persona when we visit - then fall into a slump when we arrive home.

My eldest daughter referred me here.

I just hope that I will be able to continue, as this place seems somewhere I could "fit in" - for me.

It is a lot easier to type than to go from room to room (with a towel & treats - as Casey is 50 kilos of Boxer who drools!). Thank you for reading this.

Perkins

[Perkins]

Hey, Elouise,

You have a beautiful name.

Please don't think that everything that is happening to you now is the END of everything.

It is just a portion of your whole life. Ying & Yang - positive & negative.

I am going through a very BLAH time of my life atta moment - - but I KNOW I bring happiness to a lot of people.

SOME person seems to have acclimatised with you.

BUT, you are married (& loathing your husband) - - why?

Not the former - because you are obviously a wonderful person - but.....you married him..........what happened gorgeous girl?

I was married for 29 years & 11 months.

I thought my husband dint love me.

It was like - - - my love was like an ocean......................But his was like a puddle.

So, they weren't "even" - - but, as a "puddle" he was giving all that he could.

Please consider this with your husband - - because of your children.

Me. x

[Busymum]

Eloise things will get better - please ride out the storm for your kids xx