Hi TJS4133
My heart goes out to you as you face the monumental challenge of questioning all in life. I'm wondering if you can relate: To question a little is not so bad. To question a lot becomes mind altering. To question everything can become overwhelmingly intolerable.
You pose 2 of the most potentially mind altering life changing questions one can ask: 'What's the point?' and 'How and/or where can I find meaning and joy?' Life would definitely be so much easier if we were given the answers from the start. It doesn't seem fair that we're not, leading into decades for the search for answers. I discovered in my years beyond depression that the questions themselves are a part of the quest. May sound a little silly but when you think about it, how many people along the way have not managed to give you your answers, some direction? You're an amazing person to still be looking. Don't lose sight of your incredible determination, in coming this far.
I spent 15 years in a depression with no mind altering life changing answers until that moment I came out of it. The greatest question that triggered a change of course - 'Who am I?' I had absolutely no idea. Based on the nature of depression, I thought I was lazy, angry, sad, difficult, ungrateful, hopeless, lost, empty, erratic, worthless, challenging and the list goes on. Without the traits of depression, I had no idea who I was. This leads me to wonder - Do you know who you naturally are? A strange question, I know.
Are you a natural philosopher, a wonderer, a questioner of all things questionable? Are you an adventurer with no one to trigger a true sense of adventure? Are you someone who cannot tolerate basic? Are you tolerating a basic life, a basic family environment, basic channels of communication, a basic connection to your emotions, a basic amount of energy (nothing too exciting)? Are you tolerating a basic amount of chemistry moving through your body, your brain; basic but not enough to feel happiness, excitement and so on? I've found, in managing my mental health over the years, that feeling of wanting something more tells me I'm caught in a state of tolerating 'basic'. Sounds strange but living basically is one of my triggers for depression. Living in VIC, lock down seriously tested my mental health in so many ways.
An intense question but 'What's the point of living a basic life when the ultimate quest, the reason you're here, is to find your true sense of self?'. Who can help you on this quest?
🙂
