I thought once Xmas was over I'd feel better....NOT!

[Gonegirl]

The lead up to Xmas was awful, my depression was like thick concrete around my ankles and wet blankets on my shoulders. As soon xmas was over I went away for a few weeks to a friend's holiday house by the beach. There I could escape reality for a while. Back home and the concrete and blankets are back. School holidays are difficult, lack of structure does my head in. Motivation equals zero, but guilt equals 100 as I have kids. I wish there was a good time to crash and burn, spend a month in a clinic, but it's hard on the kids if I go away. I can't escape myself and my self deprecating thoughts. My psych is on holidays... Humph! So I feel a bit "out to sea" I can't see another one as I'm a year into Schema Therapy. I sound like a child having a whine, but every year at this time I get really sick. Just tired of the struggle.

[blondguy]

Hey Gonegirl...I felt like I was looking into a mirror when I read what you are going through. The lead up to Christmas here was awful too and now my concrete has formed around me too. I just contacted my GP and that was good (took the edge off) Ditto when the psych is on leave and they never leave a mobile number either huh?

If you are a child having a whine....then this whole BB is full of kids including me lol. I think you are very entitled to say what you feel on here Gone...and good on you too!...Takes a lot of guts to get on here...and its always good to get a response too! When you mentioned about spending a month in clinic...same here....seriously.

Im not going to get into any preaching here Gone.....as I am feeling like Tom Hanks in Castaway on his life raft...as in "out to sea"too....The Depression phases are temporary...in length and intensity...School holidays would be difficult with this mongrel disorder....I know one thing...I will look up Schema Therapy, sounds interesting. The 'lack of structure' is a pain too....That is bugging me after New Year's....Im just trying to distract myself as much as possible....to 'let time pass'

Be Gentle To Yourself Gone 🙂

Paul Woof!

[Gonegirl]

Hey Paul your response brought a smile to my face. Thanks 😉 Schema is like walking through a long tunnel in the pitch black... There's a tiny pin prick of light at the other end but to get to it you're going to have to turn yourself inside out. It's all about our core beliefs and about connecting with the emotion and pain attached to some of our maladjusted schemas. I don't do public displays of emotion, so ripping into my childhood pain and expressing it in the comfort and sanctuary of my young good looking pych's office is a mortifying thought. 1 year in and I think I managed to squeeze out a couple of crocodile tears, poor guy, he's good though and if I can connect somehow, maybe we'll get there in the end.

[blondguy]

Hey Gone ta for your response.....Today has been a good day....because you smiled....which in turn has helped me with my depression 🙂

A few years ago (sounds like Star Wars lol) I needed help with generalised anxiety and depression and couldnt afford a psychologist so I contacted my local council and they referred me to their community centre and this psychiatric nurse saw me twice a week for approx a month and he had me crying (venting...letting go etc) like a baby....at the time i was very scared, nervous...frightened to death about letting go about the past...upbringing...unrealistic expectations from controlling father etc but he did it....It was mega terrifying at the time but those few visits brought me peace for about 2 years.....so there is always a rainbow....just sometimes I cant see it Gone

My distractions from Depression/anxiety recently......over Christmas

* currently have a rescued dog I am caring for

* watching a really good DVD

* watching a really bad DVD.....ummm Xanadu.....lol

* landscaping and making the garden look great (despite the 0 motivation)

The guilt is a real pain....I have a daughter that I try to contact frequently but apparently its cool to text now not to pick up the mobile...so I worry (as you do) for her but Its taken me so long to realise that I need healing time for myself that I have the guilts all the time for not spending more time with her. Its taken me so long to realise that I cant please all of the people all of the time....

I do feel for you on school holidays Gone....I hope you have some support now....as we speak....

Thankyou again for your kind response and making me smile today

Woof! (Paul) 🙂

[Gonegirl]

Paul...I'm sorry you too have concrete around your ankles and the weight of guilt on your shoulders.  The thought that we may not be doing the best for our kids can be crippling.  I have s boy, he turns 19 tomorrow, who suffers a chronic pain illness. Doctors so far, have been unable to do much to help him except to prescribe stronger and stronger section8 drugs. I feel helpless as I watch him suffer and struggle just to have a basic quality of life. Last night I dreamt he died, it was awful and had left me with the strangest feeling. guilt..she's a cruel mistress Paul.

You have a rescue dog.. That's great, I run an animal rescue in my spare time, I'm currently bottle feeding 3 kittens. It does help sometimes to have another life to care for. In my case I still have 3 of 4 kids at home, a dog, 2 rabbits, 3 adult cats and my current rescue kittens. Can be overwhelming at times.

im glad your making me smile, helped you in some small way, that's nice and in turn has made me smile again 😀😀😀 mental illness can be so lonely at times. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you too, gardening is so therapeutic. Hugs Lou

[blondguy]

Hi Lou

Happy 19th Birthday to your son Lou To be going through that much pain for anyone is bad news let alone at his age and section8 meds as well. I am sorry your son has to (try)  cope with that pain. Guilt is a cruel mistress Lou...you hit that one on the head!

You being involved in animal rescue shows the size of your heart.....Huge! You have a zoo at home ...Nice1....Animals cant speak for themselves so well done in caring so well that they can....:-)

I am on my ninth rescued and rehabilitated K9 in 10 years....No breeders allowed here. Bottle feeding 3 kittens....you Legend!

Hugs Paul Woof!

[blondguy]

More importantly Lou....I hope you are going okay

Woof!

[Gonegirl]

Hi Paul, thank you for your reply. I'm not doing very well and still wading through concrete. My psych is back and I see him tomorrow, not that it will change anything but I guess it gives me an outlet for some of this pain. I find it incredibly difficult to be honest about how bad I'm actually feeling and how much I'd just like to sink down into that concrete. However, I have kids and giving up or going to hospital will hurt them. I would like to spare them that pain this year as last year was tough on them when I was away for a month. Luckily they have an amazing dad, who, although we are no longer together, is my best friend and biggest support. He had given me money so that I can check myself into a hotel and chill out for a few days this weekend. It's a bandaid, but it will give me some much needed respite,

i hope you're traveling okay Paul... Thank you for your words of support, much appreciated ...Lou

[blondguy]

Hi Lou, Thankyou for your reply too. This concrete is becoming a pain. Its good to hear that you can see you psych...Nice1...and especially great to hear that your ex is a supportive guy. Obviously you adore you kids and good on you too 🙂 You are a great mum Lou. Especially when you put them first over yourself which is great when you are in good health but right now....your kids will always know you love them to bits...but its difficult to care for them when you are unwell.

Checking out to a hotel is smart Lou...Time Out.....smart girl....it will only give you more quality time with your kids in the long term (I know thats a pain but it will)

I noticed your response was on the 19 Jan....I was meant to be going back to work on the 18th....but unfortunately i had a visit from my directors on the 15th resulting in redundancy....and collecting the company vehicle, ipad, intellectual property etc.....oh crap....I havent had a chance to post it yet because in damage control with GAD and sorting out how I deal with it....Anyhow....thankyou for caring Lou...Legend!

[Starwolf]

Hi there Gonegirl,

I'm sorry to read you are wading through so much heaviness. It is hard to feel so weighed down when all we want is spread our wings and soar...

Guilt is the worst sort of self-harm. Any effect it has is only negative, negative, negative. We are all doing our best at all times, even if doing absolutely nothing is all we can do. What I mean is that we can only deal with situations, issues or other people according to the resources available to us at the time. Sometimes we just lack these resources, may they be strength, health, money, time, peace of mind, knowledge, patience, talent etc...We are not to blame, that's just the way it is. That's the raw material at our disposition, the cards in our hand at the time. Ever tried to win a game with a bad hand ? Beating ourselves up because of the inadequacy of our given lot makes little sense.  It just adds to the pressure which is keeping us under in the first place. Guilt doesn't have to be a mistress, it doesn't deserve any title or power. It should be stripped of either.

The only thing we can and should do is slowly try to acquire and build up more power. At our own pace is the only way to go, without comparing to others, whose personal assets are completely different. Acceptance  doesn't come easy as we tend to perceive our lack of resources as shortcomings...a flawed view from a misleading perspective.

We all have some contribution we can make in specific areas of life. Our greatest scientists, artists, philosophers etc...were notoriously deficient in other fields (social or familial skills for example).

You are right now making a difference within the animal world. This is something I have also been trying to do for many years, taking on dogs rejected by rescue orgs. who have nowhere else to go because they're deemed unrehomable and unworkable. These range from homicidal, over-reactive brutes to those who are so terrified that they acquire "frozen personality". They just cower in the darkest corner and shut off. We are treading a bit of common ground here so I appreciate the value of what you are doing. More people like yourself are needed. In the name of countless dumped, neglected, beaten, voiceless ones out there, I thank you for your compassion.

And I wish you all the best.

PS : Believe it or not, I am atm "mothering" 3 newborn orphaned pups, left to die on the roadside.