I think im depressed. but i dont know what to do.

[MyNameIsSam]

I think its slowly crept up on me since i was 10. Ive always had the overthinking and thoughts in my head that everyone of my friends hate me.
like im being kept around out of pity or they are slowly growing more tired of me. i was only diagnosed with ADHD in feb of this year, im 21.

and it doesn't help that when i mention these feelings- some of them just don't respond. And don't get me wrong i know people have their own problems in life but-

its not just this either its the fact that i just- sit at my computer looking at the screen with nothing to do because everything i can do i just no longer find any enjoyment.

i find myself no longer joining voice calls with friends because i feel like im just- being such a drag to their conversations and like im just interrupting them.

i feel numb to life, every day is the same and the only change is the days where i have to put on a smile when i go to work or go out with family
i don't know if i should seek out admitting myself into inpatient for intense and urgent help or find some poor therapist to info dump everything too just to get prescribed anther medication (my psych for my adhd put me on a mood stabilizer when i brought these feelings forward)

i don't think i want to die, i just kind of wish to stop existing and stop feeling like i do.
im tired of feeling like this all the time with minimal happy in between

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sam,

Thanks for reaching out here on the forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear about what you've been experiencing. We acknowledge that ADHD can be very overwhelming to manage, so please remember to be kind to yourself. Are you still seeing the therapist who you mentioned prescribed your medication? was this a helpful experience for you? Please know that you have so much time to figure this out and that there are better days ahead. We hope some of our community here can share their experiences and what has worked for them. 

If you feel up to it, we'd encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.


 

[therising]

Hi MyNameIsSam

My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to make sense of the way forward. You gotta give yourself the credit you deserve when it comes to questioning your way forward. All significant quests hold a lot of significant questions.

To question so much is often an indication of how conscious we are. One of the challenges that comes with waking up to questioning so much involves coming across the number of people in our life who aren't so awake. I've found it can actually become depressing at times, where we desperately want answers but what we get are people saying stuff like 'You'll be right' or 'You just need to stop over thinking everything and get on with life'. There can be a long list of 'advice' given out by people who aren't prepared to question things with you, in order to help you make better sense of them.

I think it's one thing to be diagnosed with ADHD, it's another thing to be given the tools to navigate your path with ADHD. While someone might talk about the challenges, they may not speak about the abilities of someone who experiences ADHD and even how some of these abilities can throw things out of balance on occasion. Give you an example. Say you have the ability of mental hyper activity; if someone was to put you in a situation where you could channel that activity constructively, you'd be perhaps labelled as having some sort of 'super power', with few others able to mentally process so incredibly efficiently and effectively under the circumstances. Then imagine being put into an incredibly boring situation where you had to focus, like with school. It becomes almost impossible. Kind of like your highly energetic brain's looking for different exciting channels/connections. So, if you're facing a lot of boring subjects, you begin 'channel surfing', going from one boring thing to the next until you eventually tune into what's more exciting or fascinating, even if it's a fly on the wall. It becomes a matter of 'How do I manage to maintain focus on what's boring?' You could ask this question of a lot of people, on your quest, yet no one may give you any constructive ways regarding management, so you remain stuck with a depressing inability to focus.

Questioning how you tick might help direct you toward the right channels in life. Can you imagine what or who brings you down and what or who raises your energy levels or spirits? Does the med help or hinder your energy levels? Does it leave you feeling like a 'flat battery'?

🙂

[Not_Limited]

Hi MyNameIsSam

How are you feeling today?

I have ADHD and so does my 16 yr old son. If at any time you would like to talk re depression or understand your ADHD and possible treatment plans going forward, I'm fully here for you. Everyone's ADHD manifests differently for them, but the reasons are the same, so reach out any time.

[MyNameIsSam]

the cherry ontop of this morbid cake is i wasnt overthinking. i finally
came back to talking on call with my friends and then not even a day
later they all stop joining a public call. i know this because i can see
them all online on the same multiplayer game.

friends abandoning me and i can never understand why.

I personally wouldnt call ADHD a superpower, hyperactivity sure can be useful at times but it also comes with the overthinking and the inability to focus on one thing at a time and then with that comes the frustration because emotional regulation be damned, i seem to feel each thing to the extreme.

i have the tools, im a trained support worker.

and to answer your question, anything can bring me down. someones tone when i talk to them being upset or the way i am looked at. a minor thought about something trivial also does it often.

with this recent development with my "friends" the idea of attending inpatient seems like a better choice. i jut hope i can get a referral so it wont cost me an arm and a leg to get into private.

im sorry if the tone of this seems mean or harsh in anyway i dont mean it.

[therising]

Hi MyNameIsSam

A hyperactive brain which can run through a myriad of questions at rapid speed, with a myriad of answers in tow, can feel like a gift. A hyperactive brain which can run through a myriad of questions with few answers and is hyperactive to the point of distraction can definitely feel like a curse.

My 16yo son begged me not too long ago to take him for diagnosis of possible ADHD. While the psych's assessment ruled out ADHD, she did suggest the possibility of him being diagnosed in relation to him being on the autism spectrum. The reason I mention this relates to my son's incredible frustration with how his brain ticks or doesn't tick (in the ways he'd like). Entering into year 11 next year, the traits that once were of no great concern to him are now of greater concern. His serious lack of ability to focus, his physical hyperactivity, his frustration with being more of a visual learner, as opposed to an aural learner and his strong desire to pass year 11 and 12 exams in the future, under such circumstances, are what have led us on this quest for clarity and progress.

While his imagination is one of his super powers (it's truly brilliant), problem is there are times where he can't get out of it, in order to focus on what he needs to be focusing on. From imagining what people think of him (which he's gradually learning to dismiss) through to imagining being anywhere other that where he is (such as with being at school), he does feel the 'curse' aspect of his abilities, with it bringing him down on occasion.

Regarding being sensitive to so much (tone of voice, remarks and a whole stack more), I used to wonder what was 'wrong' with me. Why was I so sensitive to so much. One day, what suddenly came to mind was 'Why are so many people so insensitive to what you're sensitive to?' I thought 'Wow, significant revelation/epiphany'. It was then that I started to notice more and more how many insensitive people I was surrounded by. Then, as time went on, I began to question some of those people out loud (not just in my head). Something else I realised is that some people don't like being questioned to greater consciousness. It's like you can think 'Why is that person so degrading, bringing me down' and then you ask them. Wow, talk about defensive. They can trigger you but you can't trigger them. A little one sided in my opinion 🙂

Would you say you have the ability to get a general sense of what people are like and you don't always like what you sense?