I need real help, advise and a shoulder

[Choib]

Hi. Ive

hit rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom with Depression and anxiety and no life because of it. Im a male, turning 40 in a few months which I suspect its the big wake up call about all the problems I have to face and its overwhelming. Im really going through a serious breakdown and Im so so alone and unable to see what to do next, a life or future. A bit of backstory to show the major points of how I got here and struggling every hour to hold it together.

Undiagnosed with GAD, male, Australian growing up was hell,

anxiety attacks at school everyday, bullied ofc, extreme difficulty's making friends and a broken home all came crashing in my first real mental breakdown at 17. My father threw me out and I got on a plane in a broken haze to move in with my grandmother from perth to melbourne in 93. My life was destroyed from that point on and I fell into hiding, self blame ever since and cut myself off from family since. Instead of living a full life in my 20s and 30 Ive been here, under her protection as she is a widower and needed someone so.. this life has been just that, hiding, doing as little as I can to get by from fear. I watched friends I made in school grow up, meet girls, get married, have kids and get jobs and careers and I looked on in awe. But when they did have the family unit I started pushing away, cause I didnt want them to see the real me. 

Ive no career training or real abilities I can use to get work, all my tafe and further education I put myself in are now all redundant. The only Time I did work professionally was as a webmaster in advertising for 2 years but that was horrific, the stress broke me again and they had to fire me. I didnt recover from that. that was about 5 years ago, and trying to stay on centerlink has been hell cause they dont understand or recognize they real help I need. 

My grandmothers 88 and shes so worried and there might not be much time left, my mom is on dialysis 3 times a week and doesnt have long either and

I couldn't cope alone, even getting income, facing death again after losing a friend and girlfriend overseas last year Im just.. broken. Failed to begin a life. hitting 40, realizing ive been hording and hiding so so long and a dozen other serious problems hitting me all at once.

So I saw my GP yesterday and got onto antidepressants again, I have a referral to a physiologist but.. I dont think thats going to be near enough.

I need.. advise.. help.. no family or real friends left to rely on.

[White_Rose]

Helen

I asked my GP to wave her magic wand and cure me but she said it had run out of batteries.  She is so fantastic. It's great that she can make a joke instead of giving me a lecture.

But this is the problem with me and I suspect with nearly everyone.  We want  some sort of magic cure.  A psych said that to me and he sounded so annoyed and disgusted. It made me feel very stupid and weak-kneed.  It would be great to take medication in the way we take antibiotics for an infection and be well again.

But of course it's not as simple as that.  Our mending and healing takes so much longer, probably because it took so long to get to this stage and then be diagnosed. It's like putting weight.  Takes time to put it on and will take time to lose it. 

I think this shows the importance of children being given a healthy upbringing, both physical and psychological.  It may not stop us becoming unwell in either category but it would help our resilience in getting well again.

Just in case I have given the wrong impression, I'm not saying parents are to blame for our problems because they are so often caring and wonderful.  Wow! Listen to me going on.  Better stop before someone thinks I am depressed.

Regards

LING

[Choib]

My grandmother, bless her, took me in in 93 and is my mothers mother. Shes very feisty and worries a lot. Ofc taking in a teenager having a breakdown was hard so we keep a distance. The home is a duplex so I have my own complete living area and she has hers. Shes very self reliant but because of the nature of my depression ive kept our contact to small doses as generational gaps and personality types can and do clash.

Ive tried many times to explain to her the condition but she doesnt understand and just wants to cook food for me or give me aspirin.. so yeah she stresses enough about her daughter (my mum whos on dialysis for over a decade), home and her own health. I do what I can though incredibly meekly to know shes ok while Ive curled up in this room. Shes been my center though letting me live here and each time Ive tried for work or considered moving or anything its just crashed, I just know I couldnt go it alone and survive they way I think. Its maybe why im trying to start to get better, in case something got bad for her Id have to become the caregiver and I realized just how unable I was. I think thats why Im here, trying to figure it all out in a complex mess.

Because of my mothers illness and her daily talks on the phone to my grandmother its too much for her to do both but Ive tried to tell her a little. Those two are close and its more important for me that she focuses on my mum and to keep her company during her hard times.

Day 4 of my ADs and last night was the worst. I think the synapses are starting to fire with how the meds work connecting bridges between nodes as my mind was exploding in all directions at once. I kept falling between sleep/alert awake dozens of times with all kinds of awful thoughts or just random and it was hard to know what was real or not with bursts of anxiety. I started getting mad at my brain to focus and relax, to breathe. I did finally quit caffine last week as well so there might be a little withdraw going on there too.

Im very sorry if this all distresses people here , or feels sad for me, I mean its ok and normal I feel for you all as well its to get it out is just so important to those that do understand and really empathize. While I get stable enough and brave enough to get professional help I do need, they probably dont have the condition themselves or take a paycheque so in some strange way I feel distanced from that person and alone still you know? No ill will there, just the connection here is good. 

[Choib]

Thanks Helen youre right there is no magic cure. It makes it so much harder there is none. A magic pill or injection and pop! all cured your brain chemistry is working right again and you feel like a normal human should.

Ive watched so many documentaries on depression and anxiety and its really only the last 10 years its being mobilized and some awareness is getting out there. See I was that boy too afraid to put his hand up in class, or would do everything he could to get out of public speaking or being the the centerlight. Family members used to say "what a sweet boy doesnt yell and is shy" etc. If only teachers in schools were taught to identify those with depression and anxiety and get involved with the parents I really wouldnt be in this mess. Or at least I would know it had a name. a thing to blame rather than me.

But it wasnt a stage or something external it was living hell , a mental prison and enduring it for so long, having it control ones life, missing out on so many things because of it, its truly a terrible thing we have. And a cure.. well we could wish for but just knowing we have it and have to live with it hurts the future outlook a bit doesnt it. Theres always hope to get 90% better with luck and support though and that might be good enough, getting to that high place on top of it and letting good things in to sustain a life and live one. 

Thankfully yes cognitive behavior therapy can work , medications though may lessen the depression/anxiety come at a cost of energy and joy and true clear thinking but are essential. Positive thinking of yourself.. I dont even know how to start yet, its all so hard to see past the problems of the past and future. 

its just so hard getting up again, starting again, finding a new life and new identity, being so fragile and facing a mountain of hardship all in the hopes something good might come, that karma can pay off, a special person to love and have it returned work the fills you with satisfaction you are helping the world in your own way.

I still dont know what to do, small steps in the dark now, praying this AD medication kicks in sooner, maybe.. I will have the will to get started. 2 and a half decades of isolation, its like a jail term and then being released on the street and are expected to start like any normal person would. 

thanks for you comments everyone they are helping me so much.

[White_Rose]

Great to read your post.  You sound more positive than in your first post. Don't worry about what others think.  We are all here to help each other and to express our feelings and needs. No one gets offended or upset.

It's good that you understand your grandmother and mother and their relationship. I relate more easily to my children than to my grandson who is staying with me.  I really wish I could talk to him but it's a different language. (That makes me sound so old)

Your grandmother sounds so fantastic. I would love to meet her.

Keep a record of your reactions to the ADs.  They generally take about four weeks to kick in so if you are feeling "strange" in any way it would probably be a good idea to check in with the doctor. Medication works differently on everyone and there is no such thing as one size fits all.

I find myself very tired tonight for some reason so I think an early night is called for.

Carry on carrying on.

LING

[Choib]

Im really struggling today, I feel so guilty for not being able to get up and face a few things I wanted to. I know its only 4 to 5 days into getting onto ADs and it takes weeks, but I know I have to also get up and open the front door at some point.

I have to face a blood test for my doctor and also go to centerlink but when Ive been housebound for over a year its seems just to much strength to move to get on public transport, to get a needle and to face the bureaucracy of a government department while trying to hold yourself together.

Theres so many things I know I have to do to get well enough to be functional again but these first steps and in what order are just massive and the guilt of not meeting my own promise to try feels really heavy. Getting started and hoping to find motivation is so hard, especially after being so long in a depressed rutt. 

I just dont know how to cope yet, to find a positive thing to hope for to shoot for with so much of a mess from the past and no doubt the future to deal with, praying for a clear sky moment I think, a moment of clarity to start. Focusing on the now is so slippery. Just needed to post this today, to feel like I did something, to get it out. thanks for listening.

[White_Rose]

These bad days do creep up on us when we least expect it. Just hold on and stop bagging yourself.  You are not superman, you are a human in trouble and trying your best to get through it.

Obviously you went to see your doctor recently to get the prescription for your ADs and also to the pharmacy for the medication.  How did you get yourself there? Was it a good day or was there something you did to motivate yourself? If you can work out how you managed you may be able to do it again.

Stop stressing over what you cannot do at any one time. Beating yourself up will only make you feel worse.  Wait for another day when you feel stronger. Whatever you can do is good. The only promise to make is that you will sincerely try but when it is not possible you will forgive yourself and try later. I said to someone else recently, depression messes with our minds and boy is it messed up.

So, which is the most urgent, CentreLink or the blood test? Concentrate on that one then think about the other afterwards. The same with all the things you need to do. Think about one at a time and do it.  Give yourself a pat on the back and move to the next thing. One day you will find yourself doing two things and that will be a red letter day.  But don't push yourself too hard.  That's the best way to end up doing nothing and feeling worse.

Take care of yourself my friend and post in often.

LING

[CorvanPhoenix]

You know the best thing about rock bottom?  When you're there, the only way you can go is up.  I'm still recovering from my latest trip to the bottom, which was on May 4th.  Here are some small tips which may help you through the first 2 weeks after rock bottom:

• Take your meds.  For me its keep taking them, but either way, on the days when you can do nothing but go to the toilet then go back to bed, still take your meds.  Even if you need to set a reminder on your phone.  They don't always feel like they're doing anything, but they are.
• Hassle your GP, Psychiatrist & Psychologist for help.  2 days after I hit rock bottom, I just left my psychologist's office where I was told I was "in the highest category of risk of self harm", I asked for the next available appointment & they said, sure, hows 2 weeks?  Not good enough.  I needed help now, so my GP called them up & got me one for 2 days later.  If you are not getting the help you need, make noises!
• Baby steps.  Like the guys said above, but I'm talking WAY smaller.  In my first 2 weeks, if I got out of bed & had a shower, that was an achievement.  Didn't happen every day, maybe not most days.  But soon it did (close enough anyway).  So when you get a little of yourself back, write a list of things that need doing - things which take maybe 30 min max to do.  Every day, promise youself that you will cross one of those things off the list.  Do the laundry Monday, clean the kitchen Tuesday, vaccuum the carpets Wednesday etc.  It totally sucks, but after a while you are proud of yourself for keeping on going.

4 weeks out, you should be feeling sometimes ok again.  You'll be fragile for months if my experiences are anything to go by, but you will be minimally functional at least.  Then talk to your mental health team about your financial options.  You may qualify for a short stint on the disability pension, but will for sure be able to put you in contact with charities & agencies who find employment for we less fortunate folk.  There are workplaces out there who would love a stable, honest, able bodied employee, & can accomodate him with as little stress as possible.

You can do this.

[Choib]

Thankyou LING its what I needed to hear, its frustrating how the brain fights itself in moments of long term stress ad how valuable compassion and empathy are to those that need it most. I might try tomorrow to do those tasks, I found the next three days ahead of me are appointments both medical and financial, Ive somehow gotta get through it. I was so desperate when I saw the GP, a blubbering mess but now I got to motivate to get up not from desperation but to engage and start movement.

But your words are very kind and make a lot of sense especially in these small steps Im taking and because Im alone in this task. This thread has helped, this is a good place and Im glad its here.

[HelenM]

Hi Choib

That's what we do. We beat ourselves up for not doing the things we said we'd do. We don't count the things we manage. You are coming on here because it helps - you have developed a coping mechanism. That's excellent. If you don't manage to do something that's okay. You haven't given up - you're aware that it's too much today and you will do it when it's possible.

These days my depression is a lot milder but I still find it very hard  to get things done. I want to decorate my bedroom. For over a year the papers been off and I need to wash old glue off the wall before I paint. It comes off very easily but everytime I looked at it I couldn't face the job. So I've cut it into little chunks. I draw a big square on the wall and wash that area. When I finish I draw my next big square for next time. I don't do it every day and what I do only takes about 15 mins. But I'm beginning to see progress and feel satisfaction. Once I would have done all the decorating in that room in a few days. What I do now demands far more of me than in the pre depression days and  I know that I work very hard, as do you, as does everyone on here, to get by.

Take care, Helen

[Choib]

Thanks Helen, yeah I somehow used all my strength to get from the bed after a sleepless night , shower and find clean clothes. Made myself call a taxi to take me to the medical area to get my blood test and ECG for the Dr's diagnosis. Stressful because I haven't been around too many people in a long time or a clinical environment. But it got done quickly thankfully and remained calm throughout. Then I delt with centrelink after ofc 1.5 hours of waiting in a chair and they saw my GPs medical certificate and allowed me 3 months without the pressure of fortnight performance thank god. I really couldnt cope just starting ADs and having to get 20 signatures from employees fortnightly after such a long time of mourning, depression and inactivity/health (plus a very spotty resume and the rejection fears/interview anxiety). 

It was a big day, Im so tired especially coming home and seeing the mess of the last few years, Hopefully now I can do my smaller steps like you have with making a mental grid of areas to do, or try to do. It doesnt help that its freezing cold in Melbourne.

But it was hard too, I saw people smiling and chatting , families together and it did sting. Just how lucky they are to have normalcy and living in the moment, not stuck in the past or the future fears.

Corvin you make good points too, meds and small steps for sure to stabilize a little. Psychologist service I will soon make the call, again I know the danger of doing too much when so sensitive to falls, I also have to convince myself to really work at what they say as Ive trained my brain well to put up walls even against good advise and help/self help. Its about faith and trust in that person which doesn't come easy after such a rough life with family and friends and loss.

Again its been good to interact with you all after the hopeless desolate place I was in trying to find a person or place to just.. let it out , be heard and hear real advise from real people in the same boat, I do feel less alone in this, And Ive realized the last 2-3 decades, my mistake was trying to go it alone, to hide it and how much it affected my life. Thankyou for keeping me afloat.