I’m too young to be this sad

[Sofreakinsad]

Hi,

So the last few years have been really awful. Cutting to the chase, I was held hostage and fell pregnant with my abusers baby. I lost my job and my house at the same time, and lockdowns were happening every five minutes in Victoria so there was no way to really look for work in my field. I had to move back home with my abusive family and since then, everything has been hard. Every day is a challenge. I find myself hoping that I can just die peacefully in my sleep to avoid suffering another day. Then the guilt sets in because I have a 2 year old son who depends on me. 

I’m his only lifeline, so the pressure to make it is overwhelming. Living here has depleted my mental health lower than I could ever have imagined. When I say my family is abusive, I’m talking psychologically and emotionally. It’s the typical dysfunctional, ‘narcissistic’ hellhole that perhaps some are familiar with. The constant put downs, the constant scapegoating, the name calling, backstabbing, manipulation, it is all just so much. I’ve dealt with this my entire life and it just keeps getting worse. When I gave birth to my son, my own ‘mother’ called CPS on me because she wanted the attention on her and the baby would be taking that away. I’m so f****** angry at her, and the whole family for shrugging it off and being so unsupportive. They gaslighted me despite knowing what she did. That event, along with some other deplorable things I can’t include in 2500 characters, was enough to send me into serious PPD which I obviously have not recovered from. I have to try and grey rock her all the time just to keep her from amping up her harassment of me. 

I’m studying, I’m looking for work and a home for my son. I’m medicated, I’ve spoken to mental health professionals.  I exercise, eat well, nothing helps. I’m also currently being dragged through the family court after the police filed an IVO against my ex for stalking me and he wants payback. The thought of co-parenting with him makes me sick, even though I have documented extensive evidence of his abuse. 

I’m 26 years old. I should be starting a career, I should be living independently. I should be happy. I guess I just needed to vent because that suffocating feeling is getting too much. And there’s not a person alive who I can physically speak with who offers any love, support or understanding. Apologies if you read this and it was all over the place. Tonight has been rather emotional. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Oh boy, I'm in awe of you and the efforts you are putting in with your son and battling alone. Furthermore, your family, as a victim of narcissistic abuse for decades from my own family I understand and breaking free forever seems a mighty task but has to be done and that led me to seeking our like minded people with kindness and stability for me to call "family". So congratulations because you, at a young age has seen the light.

I think first off you are placing several obligations upon yourself that is (considering your situation) quite demanding. When you say "at my age..." or "I should be..." those expectations you raise upon yourself is not helpful. You could be assigning those thoughts based on other peoples position at the same age. I learned a long time ago that comparing people is not healthy as it puts a strain on you to perform like them and they arent in your unlucky place. Try to remove those expectations and just plan your future the best you can in a flexible way.

Can you find alternative accommodation? Shared house with another single mum? That could be a game changer. In the meantime try to avoid conflict and call family out for their manipulation and any other poor behaviour. You are likely vulnerable and an easy target.

To your credit you've listed many things you are doing like diet etc and "nothing works" but these things you can do and the advantages arent clear but they are there. So keep up your attitude which, in my experience- good things happen to those that do good things!...

As for your family court issues, simply try your best, thats all you can hope for. Your best is always good enough. You are a really good mother and that is your primary role- keep going and we are here to read your post 24/7/365. 

TonyWK