I'm not who I thought I was

[jburrows]

I suffered depression, anxiety and psychosis as a kid. It was without a doubt, the hardest time of my life. Now at over 30 years old with 4 kids I thought those times were behind me, until recently.

I was doing all the 'right' things, getting a house and a career. I was doing everything that you're supposed to do. And I thought I was strong enough to do it all, but I think it all just became too much.
I've all but abandoned my work which I can't do with a mortgage. Last time I was going through this I was a kid without any responsibility, now I'm an adult and a father and everyone looks up to you to do the things that you just know you can't do.
And your partner says she's there for you but you can just see that all you're doing is draining her of her own emotional reserves. Where does it end?
I had a vision of who I wanted to be for my family and it turns out I'm not that person. I'm not strong enough to be who I wanted to be and I don't know what to do to get back to where I want to be.

[PamelaR]

Hi Jburrows and welcome to Beyond Blue

Life is sounding hard at the moment. My heart goes out to you. It's pleasing to see you've found your way to our forums and hope it helps you a little.

The festive season is a really difficult time for everyone and I'm thinking that maybe with 4 kids this has been a little hard at times. Being home from school, christmas presents etc - all very demanding and costly. So this will add to however it was you were feeling before the season was here.

From what you've written it seems like you are someone who has had your life in control. You've learnt how to manage your anxiety, depression and psychosis. That's great. Something has obviously triggered you - this happens quite often. It's normal and you're not alone jburrows.

So maybe, you need a helping hand, e.g. talking to someone. Have you seen your doctor or health professional recently?

Sometimes what we see as our goals - changes as time goes on. Change is okay. I'm sure you have the strength, knowledge, experience to manage your down times. It's allowing yourself to have this when you have been triggered. The really good thing is you are completely aware of what's happening. There are many out there who do not have the skills for self reflection. You do.

Maybe start with an extended visit to the dr, get a mental health plan and referral to a health professional. Also medication could be something that might help?

Hope some of this helps jburrows. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[jburrows]

Thanks for your reply, Pamela. You're correct, I've managed these and gotten through it before. I just feels like it's making a comeback and I honestly don't know what triggered it, or what re-occurring triggers there are.
I did get a mental health care plan from my GP and I'm seeing a psych at the moment but it's too early to tell if she's a right fit for me or not.
I think you've hit the nail on the head perfectly, I DO understand that I need 'survival' days, but it's just allowing myself the time to have them and taking the steps to try and manage it.

It's been 14 years since I had to deal with this properly and the responsibilities now far outweigh what they were back then.
It's just hard when I feel this way, I completely shut down and don't let anyone in. I can't process thoughts properly and I'm distrustful of everything.

[PamelaR]

Hi jburrows

Yes, I hear you..... it is excruciatingly hard. Though, I believe you have not let anyone down. It's your own voice telling you that. I completely understand about not processing thoughts properly and being distrustful. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. When I'm triggered, my mind goes 'haywire'. But the realities are - I know that now. I can short circuit my brain neurotransmitter synapses to help alleviate the symptoms. Absolutely sure you can do this too.

My thoughts are it's getting over the initial shock of not having a downer for 14 years, and having different responsibilities (partner and 4 kids). But hey, you can do this. There maybe a chemical reason for your current situation, perhaps your doctor can help you out there?

I know what you mean about getting used to or seeing if your psych is a good fit. This is all so important. You have all the goods for making it through this jburrows. Have faith and hope in yourself.

What are some of the good things in life that make your life happy?

We're here for you jburrows.

Kind regards

PamelaR