I'm fearful of death and its taken over my life...

[Lunexy]

Hi I'm new here. I wasn't sure whether to post this in the anxiety or depression section because I'm not sure what to think of what I'm going through.

Ive been struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts since 2013 when I was in highschool. Back tjen it was health anxiety that was quite bad but I got through it. I'm a 21 year old girl now. I would have issues coming and going with my mental health since I graduated high school in 2016 but I could cope with everything. But at the start ot this year I relapsed hard with anxiety and depression. Now for the past week seemingly out of nowhere I've just sunken to what feels like the lowest point Ive ever been at. I'm not sure what triggered this thought pattern but for nearly a week now (feels like an eternity) I can't stop obsessing over death. I keep playing over and over in my head the fact that I will die one day and theres nothing I can do about it. Its the thought of me no longer existing which is really getting me panicking and also the worst depression I have ever felt. I feel like this is just who I am now. I can't imagine breaking this cycle and stopping thinking about my own mortality.. my brain turns everything into my eventual death.

I'm at the point where I've basically lost all motivation to do anything. All I want to do is sit and cry all day because I'm going to die one day. I feel nausea constantly and I've lost most of my motivation to even take care of myself. Is there a way out of this? How do I stop fearing and being depressed over my eventual demise? As far as I'm aware I dont have any diseases currently that will shorten my lifespan but this doesnt ease my mind at all...

[Ragdoll]

Hello Lunexy,

I’ve decided to reply to your post as my first post on the forum.

Unfortunately, I cannot offer much advice, since I too struggle with what you are experiencing. I am scared of dying, but I am absolutely terrified of the thought of my loved ones dying. I think about it constantly and it is terribly upsetting. Anxiety has absolutely taken over my life.

At the moment, when fear and worry about loved ones start (sometimes with horrible thoughts about what could happen), I switch on wipers (in my mind) to wipe away the thoughts and then purposefully start to think about something, anything else. I don’t know if this is necessarily the right thing to do, but at the moment it feels like it is all I can do.

I wish I could offer you advice or at least some words of comfort.

[therising]

Hi Lunexy

Wondering if you've ever researched 'The dark night of the soul'. This topic might lead you to experience a few 'Aha' moments which you may be able to relate to. This is a phenomena covered in certain aspects of spirituality and psychology.

Whilst coming out of such a dark and upsetting time can bring about incredible change (for the better), the process can feel overwhelmingly depressing whilst it's happening. Basically, the idea involves certain aspects of the ego dying off, to the point where we may fixate of the fact that we feel like our self is slowly dying. As we begin to lose a sense of identity (what we've learned to identify with from the beginning of our life, thanks to the input of those around us), there may feel like there is nothing left in life to identify with. So, whilst we may be left facing what may feel like 'nothingness' or emptiness, this period precedes fulfillment on incredibly deep levels. Fulfillment or enlightenment arrives a lot faster when exploring tips on navigating 'The dark night of the soul'. It's kind of like being given a map when it comes to navigating such dark territory. It can be incredibly anxiety inducing territory to get through on your own.

Personally, I like to take the holistic approach to life. Whilst some aspects of how we work physically may suit my curiosity and certain aspects of how we tick mentally may help me get to the bottom of things in certain cases, I also include how we work naturally as part of my overall understanding of self and life. Some may choose to call these natural aspects 'spiritual' aspects. By the way, I've found great help in understanding my own journey through and out of depression by researching from an holistic viewpoint.

You mention '.. my brain turns everything into my eventual death.' The brain can be a quite quirky cryptically working thing at times. Usually, we witness it's cryptic ways in our sleep (dreaming). I can remember my dad once being concerned about a dream he had where he witnessed his own funeral. I asked he if he felt like he was starting a new phase in his life, while leaving his old self behind. With an expression of amazement he replied 'Yes! Very much so.' I wonder what your brain would say if you asked it whether you're perceiving death in more of a metaphorical sense, when it comes to the aspect of self. 'Who am I to be?' is another question worth asking. It would be interesting to know what inspiration comes to mind.

🙂

[mocha delight]

Hi lunexy something in your post triggered some memories I’d forgotten about and at the time sounded familiar to me like I was told by a gp who works at the same practice I go to who I only saw a few times before switching to my current gp. She told me I needed to lose weight but not exactly in the best way (she was by no means rude/nasty about it) but it was not a way I’d approach something like that but anyways I jumped (not literally 😂 ) on a treadmill 3 days in a row for 30 minutes. But I stopped after that as instead of doing me any good it did the opposite for me as in those 3 days all I could think about was death constantly so it put my mind in a very dark place and that was ages ago.