I'm Emotionally Numb + Stopped Therapy

hairclip · ‎08-05-2021

Hi, I've posted a long time ago. I've made some changes to my life...big changes actually. Previously I was stuck in hospitality and I felt extremely trapped. I finally mustered up the courage to change because I was so tired of crying every night and waking up from panic attacks.

So I ended up easing out of my job, went back to study, ended a long term relationship and found a new line of work. I even finally took up therapy. I finally was happy.

I know you're not suppose to be happy all the time. But lately I stopped going to therapy, I don't find it helpful any more. I dread going to therapy...I'm just numb now...I'm not motivated, I use to care for my looks and now I don't even care about that. I just don't feel anything...my therapist wants me to continue with therapy but I don't. Its probably just the pandemic right?

I feel trapped once again but unlike last time, I'm not struggling, I'm just emotionally unresponsive and tired...

Guest_4643 · ‎08-05-2021

hi hairclip, welcome/welcome back.

i'm sorry you've been struggling a lot. it must have been hard for you to give up your job and whatnot, but that was brave of you. in terms of therapy, that's entirely up to you if you wish to continue it or not, no one can force you to do something you don't wish to do, including doing, leaving or taking a break from therapy.

we're here if you need to talk to us. sorry if my answer isn't very helpful, but i do care. just dealing with a lot myself at the moment, but i saw your post and felt the need to reply. take care.

Here2Talk · ‎08-05-2021

Hi hairclip

Sorry to hear what you are going through. What did you study and do you have a job now? Do you have a partner or friends to talk to?

hairclip · ‎09-05-2021

Thank you, you're so kind. I don't feel sad and even when bad things happen I don't reacte to it. I don't know if it's acceptance or lack of care...but I just can't find the fire I had for a brief moment.

I feel like all lights have been put out and it just dark and quiet.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time too.

hairclip · ‎09-05-2021

Hi Here2talk,

Thank you for the reply. I studied dental assisting and I do have a new job and a new partner now. For 6 months I felt great, like my life is finally back on track and the flame in me was burning brighter than ever. But I've noticed for a few months now the flame has died down and completely gone. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to do anything either. I don't want to talk to my friends about it and I don't want to bother my partner too.

I've briefly talked to my partner about it and he said its normal? And its OK to be lazy. But I'm not so sure if its just purely lazy. Before I stopped my therapy, my therapist said she wasn't comfortable with me not attending therapy any more. But I also don't want to go back to therapy either.

Here2Talk · ‎09-05-2021

You don’t want to talk to your friends or bother your partner but it doesn’t feel good losing one’s zest for life does it? ... My heart goes out to you.

Weird thing to say by your therapist that he/she is not comfortable with you not coming to therapy. Did it used to bring you benefits?

So you are reasonably satisfied with partner and job now?

Croix · ‎09-05-2021

Dear Hairclip~

I'm not at all sure it is normal for all zest to be missing from life and simply being numb, that's one of the things I noticed when I started to become depressed (as I later found out). You do have initiative, determination and feelings, after all you have changed jobs and achieved a qualification -plus linked up with a partner.

For a while there you were happy and alive -and if you are like me then that is simply masked at the moment, you still have that potential. As my bouts of depression improved my feelings and enjoyment of life did return.

I'm certain it is not at all good to dread visits to a therapist, and I'm not surprised you stopped. It may be your therapist was pressing too hard or too quickly, and it may be they simply are not the right one for you. May I suggest you do talk this over with your GP saying if you can what it is that you really disliked about those visits, and why you stopped, then discuss options?

I suggest this as I could not 'fix' myself and only started to improve with the correct medical support.

Things do get better you know, I was a complete mess and now I'm in a pretty good place with love and activity and satisfaction, if I can change so radically I'd expect you can too.

Would you like to come back and talk some more?

Croix

Here2Talk · ‎09-05-2021

You're right about it not being 'normal' to lose zest for life, Croix. Depending on what you mean by normal... To hairclip: Anhedonia, another name for the symptom usually described as "a loss of pleasure from activities that usually or used to give you pleasure", is very characteristic of depression - in contrast to anxiety which is more fear and avoidance based. At any rate it's not good to have your flame gone out, not feel like doing anything. I don't know if the word 'lazy' is too meaningful, either. I imagine that if there were such a thing as lazy, one would have to be content to be doing nothing, and actually be happy by doing that. In my experience - of myself and others, what is called laziness by society is, in reality either an element of depression (loss of motivation), or an element of anxiety (being frozen still into not doing anything, escaping fear by doing nothing), or some combination of the both - as they can both exist to varying proportions in people... Some people are content to do less than others, but you hardly seem lazy - you went back to study which is not easy, and went to therapy in a quest to work on yourself - which is the most energy intensive thing that one can do, and far from lazy..

hairclip · ‎10-05-2021

At first I was checking in with her every month or every 2 months and things were going well. But lately I just don't feel anything. I draw, I take care of my pets and I try to talk to my friends but nothing would trigger an emotion. I feel like I'm just performing for the sake of surviving. I use to be overly self conscious with how I look. If I gained 1-2kg I'll skip meals to lose it, and I can't leave the house unless I have make up on. But now I don't care...

I want to look good again but I honestly just...don't care. It feels like I'm standing outside a glass room and seeing all my emotions reacting to different events but I can't feel them myself...

I'm not sure what's happened but...I also don't think therapy would help...

hairclip · ‎10-05-2021

Yeah I was really happy with my life for a few months but now I'm struggling to feel anything. I just feel extremely stressed when my family is at home but I can't bare the silence too. My family and my partner are all very supportive but most of the time I'm just pretending to feel something. Thank you for responding to my post BTW. Its good to see and read about people successfully living and thriving after dealing with depression/ anxiety.