I just want to be happy

Jaimi17 · ‎03-02-2017

Hi There,

I feel like I have been living in hell for years now just struggling to get through the days. I feel as though i take 2 steps forward and then 10 steps backwards. I am constantly trying to talk myself into a happy state, to be strong but its all very short lived. I feel like Im a burden to everyone, im restless, unmotivated, tired and just want the world to pause so I can catch up mentally and emotionally. Does anyone have any tips or tricks that helps them calm down. Its getting to the stage I get this pain through my shoulders neck chest and back most days.. i feel so fidgety and so sad all the time. It almost feels like its something more than depression now.. I just feel completely out of control and lost.. I have no idea how to fix it.

If you have any ideas, advice, please let me know. Thank you.

Bookster · ‎03-02-2017

Hi Jaimi17. I know how you feel. I first started feeling this way when I was 13. I had no clue what it was and I struggled through school and life. I couldn't talk to my parents about it as English wasn't their first language and I wasn't fluent in the language we spoke at home so there was a huge communication problem. In those days no one spoke about depression as they didn't understand it so it was difficult especially when you didn't know why you felt that way. I found out that genetic depression runs through my fathers side of the family when I went overseas to my parents homeland (I was born in Australia) I was about 45 when I found this out through my cousins. When I got home to Australia I went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants and that made me cope better. I took them for about 8 years and now I don't need them anymore - I am 57. I still have my ups and downs as we all do but now when I feel down I think about something I really enjoyed, or a belly laugh I had with someone, or if something funny happened, or I play with my dog. It always makes me feel better. I know its easier said than done but you need to push yourself into thinking differently. It takes a bit of practice but it works. I am going through an incredibly stressful time at the moment and have been for over one year and I honestly thought I would not be able to do it by myself and thought of going back to the doctor to get another prescription for anti depressants but I talked myself out of it as I haven't taken them for two years. For the first time I am dealing with something quite life changing and I am doing it on my own without medication and that has boosted my self esteem incredibly. I hope you can see something beautiful and happy in each day that brings you joy. Take small steps first and you will find that they will turn into leaps. Its a good feeling knowing that if you can beat one day of feeling sad you will be able to beat another and another. Take care and know there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way as you do so you are definitely not alone.

Jaimi17 · ‎04-02-2017

Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply with such a lovely message. It so nice to talk to people who have similar things going on.. I definitely know that Im not alone but at the same time too I feel it. Everyone around me just continues to tell me "I thought you'd be over it by now" or "move on" or something that either makes me shut completely down or turns into me having to explain myself for what feels like the hundredth time only to be shut down. I went through an extremely difficult time 2 years ago and it literally has been knock after knock. I just never get a chance to grieve or process whats happened because somethimg else happens to top it off. I hear the words all the time "you'll be happy again" but the person I was is gone and it feels like i am never going to happy again. My days are mostly dark. I have been to psychiatrists and had medication in the past two years, but i got worse on the meds so they stopped it. I have been on nothing for 6 months now. My symptoms have gotten so much worse these past few weeks that its alot more physical pain as well. Everything is just a mess and when I get in a good mood I try to plan to Tidy my house, prep healthy meals, exercise, get out of the house.. but like i said its very short lived and I find myself back to square one. The other night I was just crying on the floor looking around trying to figure out where to go from here, how to fix myself how to get back to a stable routine and life.. but i just can't stay focused.

It is so frustrating.. and then i feel guilty because there are people worse off than me and then I get so frustrated that so much of my life is being wasted living like this and how much time has passed and I still am so broken.. i can shut my eyes and Im right back to the day it all went so bad.

I just want it to stop, I just wish you could sleep and wake up once you were fixed.

The_lost_one · ‎04-02-2017

Hi jaimi17

My friend gave me a little advice a little while ago thats actually helped alot. When you feel like you cant calm down stop what you are doing and control your breathing but instead of just taking long breaths in and out, try concentrating on breathing in a colour and breathing out a colour e.g I always choose to try and imagine that im breathing in the colour yellow which is a calm colour and then I try breathing out dark colour like red this helps me think that all the bad stuff is getting out of my body. It sounds super silly at first when my friend told me about this I thought it would help but it has just try it to help you calm down for abit and see if it helps for you I really hope you get the same results as me as ive been in your position before and its not great. Just remember breath in a colour and breath out another colour. Hope that helps you calm down

Bookster · ‎04-02-2017

Thats a really great idea Lost One....I am going to try that 🙂

Jaimi17 · ‎06-02-2017

Thank you so much The Lost One. I really appreciate it. Struggling really bad today.

Jaimi17 · ‎06-02-2017

I just feel so lost and not sure which direction to go.. there is not one person I can speak to without some judgement. I have to put on this pretend smile all day and Im just so tired..

M_down · ‎06-02-2017

Jaimi why did you stop the meds. They should help but you need to wait for them. I'm struggling myself 3rd episode, been on med for over 3 weeks now it's my 25th day today.

I was assured by my dr it will go away. I'm going through very difficult time now with the med side effects, increased the dose 7 days ago now. But hoping for the best.

I hope you'll feel better soon.

Jaimi17 · ‎06-02-2017

Hi M Down..

The doctors took me off them because they were not working.. said that a tablet won't fix the issue that its just a bandaid. My moods were not stable and I couldn't control my tears on them so they stopped them and then I saw another doctor who said that she will see how I go without them and to wait. Its been a couple months now and I thought I was getting better in December but have had a massive crash since the new year.. I can't afford to tak time off but at the same time struggle to go to work. I just wish I could be my normal self again but feels impossible!