I just want to be happy

Rob_us_expat · ‎17-07-2017

I've dealt with depression since my teens but I always hid it well. I always smiled made jokes anything to make sure my family and friends didn't need to worry until it caught up with me and I became exhausted and couldn't put up the masks anymore. I've been on medication regularly for 4 to 5 years, But I can't seem to break the curse, lately it feels like it's gotten worse. 2 days ago I actually let myself do what I call a depression sleep. It's that sleep of mental exhaustion and the thought of getting up was too much to handle so I sleep the day away as my partner and our son were at work and school. We moved here so my partner could take a job at the university. I'm originally from the US and thought I would pick up my career just as I did in the last country we lived in.I wrong, so I took a part time job below my skill set so I could get my masters degree, I finished last year and for the past year no job, not even in my own company. So I find myself trying to take more courses, apply for more jobs , my family is doing well here in Perth , I'm so proud of how my son is growing and how much enthusiasm my partner has , and I feel like what am I doing wrong?I find myself homesick quite often,envious of past colleagues, and find myself getting angry with the managers I work,all of I feel is just petty.Digging deeper, I've never not had a career since I was 18, my parents are not doing well and I can't send them my hard earned money I send my partners, my son isn't seeing what I hoped he'd be seeing which is a successful accomplished person, I feel as if I'm not wanted here, I've dealt with more bouts of bigotry here than I have in US or RSA and I struggle to not let it get to me but I hide it well cause I don't want my son to understand that part of life yet I want to protect his innocence as long as I can. I don't want my partner to know just truly how unhappy I am so I wait to he falls asleep so I can cry to sleep from exhaustion. I just want to blend into Perth and every day I tell my self that I just need to embrace it and I try. I don't give up the job search, I don't let the bigotry seap in, I do what I can to make sure my mom and dad know I love them and am doing my best, and I'm sorry I'm not the independent person that taught me to be, I tell my partner that what counts is that he loves his job because I want him happy. But I'm afraid my lows are coming back that I can't but on a mask of drama or laughter to hide. I just want to be happy.

Quercus · ‎17-07-2017

Hi Rob,

Welcome to the forums and good on you for reaching out for support. We're a pretty friendly lot here so feel free to join in on any thread.

First of all have you found a good GP yet? You said you've been on meds have you got someone managing them and reviewing them if necessary? I'd book a long appointment and have a good talk about what's going on. Or show them your post.

I'm in Perth too and (being a country girl at heart) it is not for me either. So I do understand the homesick aspect. Have you spoken to your partner about this at all? It's great to want him to be happy but the reality is you are worth taking care of too. You're putting your health last and that doesn't help anyone.

The job part hits close to home too... feeling dependent especially if you used to seeing yourself as your partner's equal is very difficult to deal with. I found my hubby just can't understand... he sees it as our money but I hate not contributing. Have you looked at whether there are any jobs in your field in rural WA?

If you're new here it is worth seeing more than just Perth. The rest of the state has a lot to offer too. And from my experience Perth probably has the least community feel of any place I've ever lived. Not great when you need help and support.

I hope you can stick around here. The forums are a wonderful support and we'd all love to get to know you a bit better.

Take care of yourself please.

gld · ‎17-07-2017

Hi Rob us expat,

Welcome to the community and Australia, please look past the bigots you are encountering as we all don't have that barrier in life. Our community here is great to come and off load and read others journeys so you do not have to do it alone.

I feel the western society seems to make us feel we are not contributing to family and society which makes us start judging ourselves without being able to see the truth. What an awesome achievement finishing your masters, could you find some time to help others do the same as yourself as i feel our society needs more mentors.

As Quercus mentioned in their post, "You are worth taking care of too" and going to a GP for an extended appointment could give you someone else to share your feelings as well as find other supports you could access.

Please don't beat yourself up for not being an accomplished person as there is not one thing the makes us it takes many facets of life to define us as this. I feel you could start giving yourself some more credit in other parts of your life. [ I am a father guiding my son, I am a husband supporting my wife in a new country and i am me finding the supports to better my outcomes]

Keep looking after yourself.

Gen

highlysensitivepersonhsp · ‎17-07-2017

Hello Rob. Welcome to the forum and welcome to Australia. I was just thinking the other day how great it was that America elected a black president in Obama. It just goes to show that the cultural stereotypes we have of racist Americans are not always true. Some are racist and some are not. We don't live in an ideal world where racism does not exist. It's important to be realistic about your mental models of the world and yourself.

Reading through your post, I see quite a bit of unrealistic thinking. Depression will do that to you. It makes your thoughts negative and destructive and unrealistic and biased. You don't think straight.

I recently started a course in cognitive behavioural therapy via the Macquarie university's Mindspot program. You can access it online and do it from home. It is free. If you study the lessons and materials and follow the exercises it should help you with your depression.

CBT has helped me to retrain my thinking. Thinking affects feelings and feelings affect behaviour. It's an interactive cycle where they affect each other. The key is to break the cycle. So I highly recommend that you visit Mindspot on the internet and give it a try.

kind regards,

sandra.