I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT

[ewart]

This probably won't interest anyone but I felt it was the appropriate place to let some stuff go, so I'm ok if no one reads it. I am a just turned 60yo man who cares for his Mum in a very small country community in Western Victoria, gay, educated and just an ordinary sort of a bloke really, albeit one who has a depressive/anxiety condition with an increasing need for isolation. Quite the opposite to what I was once. I am unable to mix with a crowd now or even a small gathering where I make excuses to leave. I just don't understand the psychological changes that have occurred over the past 10 years or so and I find it hard to find anyone who has the slightest idea of what I am talking about. Friends and family try but I can see that they don't get how I am feeling. I use an elephant analogy whereby my depression and anxiety feels like an elephant sitting on my chest and when there is some respite, the elephant hops off and wanders into the jungle and gives me a break. He's always there though, peering at me through the trees and when he's ready, he comes back and resumes his position on my chest. I would never have thought that a psychological condition could have such a physiological impact as it does. The weight is constant. Funny that I don't look for sympathy at all as being in awareness seems to help me cope, its the lack of understanding from those near and dear that frustrates me but then again, how can they walk in your shoes. They just think I'm a fruit loop as I do at times. The other companion I have is the daily thoughts of suicide that invade my space. I've had a preoccupation with it for many years and don't know why. I'm safe while Mum still enjoys oxygen, but not so sure about it later on. There was another tragic case of youth suicide in this town last year and I was astounded at the comments I heard following his death. You know, the same ole ... "how could he do that to his parents", "had everything to live for", "who would have know" the same old ignorant commentary that surrounds suicide. So I decided to write to the regional newspaper explaining depression and how it can lead to suicide. I commented that it is not so much the taking of life that is the tragedy, but the inability to live it. It got published in several newspapers and it has helped this community by way of understanding a little bit. Anyway, its been good getting this off my chest and as I am running out of allowable space to write this, I will say thanks and goodbye.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[HA1]

Hi Ewart!

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post.  It did interest me, and I am sure many others.  

Yes it is good to get these things off your chest and this forum is the perfect place to do it.  Many people will be able to relate to your post.  I too have a 'need' for isolation and space, so I understand where you are coming from.  In my case, I have discovered that isolation is not, and will not be, a bad thing - in the right environment.

You say that you still have regular dark thoughts of self harm.  I wonder if you have addressed that in terms of a safety net - someone you can talk to should they become very strong?  There are also the Beyondblue counsellors you can reach out to using the contact numbers on the top of page.  But I think you know that already.

Congratulations on you writing to the newspaper to highlight the 'facts' about depression and self-harm.  That was very strong of you.  

It would be great if you continued to post here, so that we can get to know you a little better (if you like!).  I would be keen to hear what it is like to live in a small country community and managing an illness such as ours.  

Hopefully talk soon.

K

[ewart]

so someone did read it lol. Thanks K for responding so soon to my first post, it was a nice reassuring reply and already I feel perhaps you get where I am coming from just a little. All I am really looking for is for those I love and respect to have a better understanding, to actually listen to what I am saying. Listening is an underestimated skill. I labour the point that I am not seeking sympathy and I'm not, just for people to get it, to get that this condition is not just a fanciful excuse. I grew up in this small town and I have only just returned after 30 odd years away so I am familiar with it and many of the people who live here. I've the done the city thing, the FNQ thing, travel, a long term relationship etc and now I lead a simple life caring for Mum,(94). And yes, you're right, I don't see the isolation as a bad thing at all, I enjoy my own company even when the elephant sits fair and square on my chest. Again, thanks for the prompt reply. I very much like your profile picture of the farm house in the middle of no-where. Me 2 a T. Cheers and thanks.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ewart,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the Community here.

I thoroughly enjoyed you analogy of depression! I so relate to what you were saying about the elephant! I sometimes try to explain my depression to others but they just don't get it, your picture of depression is wonderful.

My husband and I both suffer from depression, he also from anxiety and me stress plus a few other things tossed in for good measure! Ha. Ha. Even so he does not get it when I am really depressed and having trouble functioning.

I find it is very difficult for people to understand depression or any mental health issue. I don't bother to explain it to some people any more.

I also like and appreciate your comments on suicide. Until a person reaches that point in their lives, they have absolutely no understanding or comprehension that the person who takes their own life does not do it to hurt or spite any one else, but because they feel that is the only option.

Well done to you for making your words public.

I too hope you have a network of people you can contact if you are in desperate need or feel like you are heading that way. I personally use the phone help lines as no one I know really gets depression enough to help.

Quiet places relax me. My favourite place to feel calmness is the beach, other than that, any where surrounded by nature is good.

I grew up in a small town and now my husband and I live in one after a couple of decades in the city.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools (Lauren)

[HA1]

Hi Ewart - great to hear back from you!  And thank you for the kind words - it is always great to get feedback.

Yep, my house on the hill is the place I am searching for - and will find it 🙂

Don't worry it did not sound to me like you were looking for sympathy, so none offered (lol).  But I agree that it is frustrating when people, including those close to you, often simply don't grasp it.  I tend to simply shun any discussion on the topic - even when I get that sympathetic and understanding look from them!!  Enough of my rant on this!!

Wow, your mum is 94!  I hope all is well with her.

Take care

K

[ewart]

Hello Lauren and thanks for your reply, much appreciated. Everyone has a story and every story is unique with their own personal experiences. Your journey sounds challenging however you do appear to have coping mechanisms to deal with some of the issues some of the time.  I think I try too hard to get others to understand as there remains a stigma attached to mental health matters. I try to paint a picture of involuntary melancholy that for me has no reason. There is no specific issues in the past that I can hang my hat on in terms of explaining this every present blanket of sadness. If I could "harden up" as has been suggested them I am sure I would. I have tried medication but for me, I would rather be in awareness of what is happening than a bit distant from the reality. Anyway, thanks for getting back and I wish you well on you and your husbands journey through this madness ... Kind regards ... Ewart (Paul)

[Doolhof]

Hi Paul,

So how have you been travelling these last few days? I've been waking up thinking I don't want to face the day, then tell myself that is not a very constructive way to think, so get up and start planning my day.

Before work I am going off for a swim. Shame it is not in the ocean but at an indoor pool. Never mind, I can imagine that I am at a tropical beach somewhere complete with palm trees, sunshine and birds chirping.

It really is amazing how our minds work. The thing I find hard is when the depression really hits and you can't toughen up no matter how hard you try. I told my father-in-law once that even if I could "pull my socks up all the way to my neck" it wouldn't help much.

I hope you have caring and understanding people you can share your journey with right there where you are.

This forum is an excellent place to find help and support, so I hope you do feel welcomed here.

Cheerio for now, from Lauren