I hide all the pain from my family

[DebZzZ]

I am suffering a lot you can read my story at

grief loss & separation

• You are herechallenges ive faced

I'm sick of crying I've been crying for an hour in my room , thinking about everything especially my failed relationships why is it that I get so attached and they end up leading me on friend zoning me or even worse telling me to f off.

im so alone what do I have in this world NOTHING I've lost  everything that was dear to me and I always end up getting heartbroken, the last guy was quick to tell me that he didn't want a relationship and that hurt but at least he didn't lead me on.

I cant trust people because ive been betrayed too many times.

he doesn't talk to me anymore I am worried about him he has bi polar and is struggling, but what can I do if he doesn't want me.

I get upset when people ask me why don't you have a boyfriend, my heart sinks to the floor, i am also friendless I don't work and im miserable deeply heartbroken alone and miserable.

I am inconsolable right now and finding it hard to write all of this. i hide all my pain from my family and talk about it to my counsellor but nothing can take away the pain of my loneliness and my pain im even on antidepressants.

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[Vera55]

Dear Dez. So sorry to hear you are struggling and feeling so alone. It is a very unpleasant state to be in especially when you can't see a way to change things.

and at the same time you are trying to help others with a mental illness. 

As strange as it may sound needing love, as well as needing to give love is part of our human condition so you are not alone in this quest.

can you tell us more and elaborate here on this post what sort of things you are doing regarding support and stuff like that. V.

[Neil_1]

Dear Dez

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, but I just WISH that I could do or say something that would even lift your spirits just a tiny bit.

You know, I just don't understand people who say to others, "How come you're still single?" What is it to them???!?!?!?!

From what I can gather from your posts on the other forum, you do have contact with your Dad from time to time, yeah?  Do you have an ok relationship with your Dad?  Would you feel ok or comfortable in talking with him about how you are?  I guess that's a big ask.

Dez, would you feel ok to call the help line that Beyond Blue have set up?

With regard to your friend, I think it's a good idea what you've done - with regard to contact - if he NEEDS you, then he can contact you - because right now and forever Dez, YOU are the MOST important person in the world.  You've got to put all your energies into concentrating everything for yourself.

I'm guessing with how you're feeling right now, all this will be just a jumble of words - but at least it's here and you can come back anytime to read it again.  I would also like to really THANK YOU for coming to this forum and posting - I don't know why, but I reckon the 'depression' forum gets a lot more 'traffic' than what the other ones do.  I so hope that others will come here to give you messages of advice and above all else support.

Please please stay in touch with us Dez.

Kind regards

Neil

[joanne68]

Dear Dez

It has been 8 days since you posted and I hope that you are feeling brighter and that the tears have stopped flowing or have subsided

My suggestion to you would be that if you are attending counselling and your on meds and your still feeling like you do, then make an appointment with your GP and go and get your medication reviewed, as I don't know about your financial state, I can only suggest but maybe seeing your counsellor twice a week until these feelings subside. If this is not possible then get your counsellor to give you a list of services in your local area that you can call upon, so that you don't have to be alone. It is great that you are reaching out.

I am sorry that you are feeling like you cannot trust anyone and that everyone has let you down, it is such a hard place to be. Hopefully with your counselling you will be able to work through this - don't give up on trying, you seem to be doing all the right things

Take care and look after yourself

Kind Regards  joanne

[geoff]

dear Dez, can I pose this scenario to you.

What is love or what does it mean to all of us suffering from depression.

Does it mean that we try and indulge in a short relationship hoping for this to jolt our mind and click us out of depression, or does it mean that maybe we can have a short time where we maybe happy only to be thrown into the gutter again and then continue on struggling with this illness, carry more problems to solve.

I'm not sure but if I had a short relationship where I will try and put all my love into this female, hoping that she will respond back to me, and if she does, then that's a good thing, but it only puts band-aid on the solution, and when she decides to leave with my knowledge or not then I come crashing back down into the hole.

I don't want to be taken advantage off or used, because this would only deepen my depression, but how then do we know that this person is only using us, maybe it's simple when they decide to accept absolutely everything that has happened to us, that is all the depression and everything else, then I would be wary, because someone who wants to go out with us wants to talk and find out why, whereas someone who accepts everything without question is taking advantage of us, where be it money or our body, so this will never last.

A question to ponder and consider. L Geoff. x

[DebZzZ]

Dear vera

thanks for your reply

I am going to counselling and on anti depressants but I feel like everything is a blur its so weird, and what makes it harder is that after five years all the truth is pouring out everything that people did to me all the secrets are coming out and it hurts to know that the people I trusted where the ones that did this, there apologizing to me and im not having any of it

[DebZzZ]

Dear Neil,

I live with my parents im only 24 years old and I cat talk to my dad about this because that guy is his friend and he will get angry because were middle eastern and he will think im bad although im Christian but yeah , its tough really tough

I feel like im stuck I feel ashamed I feel scared scared that he will tell my dad and tell people about us, hes not normal he was telling me he willkill himself if I tell anyone and was really getting angry and I got upset and scared he did kinda apoligize but still I think he knows he hurt me is that why hes staying away I don't know

everything is just a blur

thanks for your kind response dez

[DebZzZ]

Dear Joanne,

im seeing a counsellor three times a week and have been on anti depressants for one   month as of today, my counsellor said it will take time but I will feel better.

my tears still flow and I remember all the bad things and the pain of what happened and everything.

thanks for your reply

dez

[DebZzZ]

Dear Geoff,

my problem is that  I am so vulnerable and so alone and so hurt that's the reason I try to get into relationships with people and in the end it always ends the same its a destructive cycle I get cheated on broken up with or used or even abused and left . when a relation ship ends or I get rejected its devastating for me its like a death in the family its horrible very painful, at first when I find someone I feel like im on top of the world then it all comes crashing down .

dez

[Neil_1]

Hi Dez

That is very pleasing to read that you’ve got counselling three times a week – that to me speaks volumes for how seriously they are treating this and rightly so. 

Also very good that you’re on the anti-depressants and yes, they usually take between the 4-6 week period before they’ll start having their affect.  So it won’t be anything like a panadol or the like to fix up a headache – these need to be in your system for a while and to get a build-up to begin to help out.

Dez, one thing I have no doubt that you’re also finding is that to have a counselling session can be quite exhaustive and indeed, sometimes an invasive kind of process – where you may have to relive instances.  I hope that you’re managing to deal with these ok at the present time – and I can fully understand just why the tears are flowing and I hope also that the counsellor is someone who is really genuine and caring and nurturing you through all of this.

It’s really so traumatic and almost like emotional blackmail when you hear that someone will end their life as a result of something that someone else might do … that’s a massive burden to live with knowing that and wow, I feel so much for you with regard to this.

I hope by posting here has at least helped you in some small way and hope that you can stay with us for as long as you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil