I haven't felt happy in years

[Kiri19]

I've recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder in that order. I wasn't too surprised especially with the trouble they've caused me my whole life. My anxiety began when I was only 12 and in middle school. It was hard for me to get out of bed and even go to school because of it and because I forced myself to go every day I started feeling depressed every day. Then came high school and I did what I thought I would never do in my life. I dropped out. Now years past and I'm a social mess. I just turned 20 last month but feel like a child with no experience at all. I haven't gotten my license or can even drive because of my anxiety. Every time I get behind the wheel I hyperventilate and start panicking feeling like I'm going to crash. I don't know if I will ever be able to drive in my life because of this, and no medication seems to help with it either. I never got my GED because I just suck at math in general. I took the test and passed the writing section but not the math or science so I just gave up. My self esteem fell even lower when I found out I couldn't pass. It hurts to think about it.. Then to top it off my younger cousins who I am proud of, but sad to know that they all received scholarships and off to college while I'm at home all day wasting my life away. I'm a short female, I look extremely young for my age, some people comment that I look no older than 14 which also makes me feel even more like crap, to know I won't ever be taken serious because of my appearance.  Right now I'm living with my fiancé who miraculously cares about someone like me. He takes care of me and I feel like I might need support for the rest of my life with how things are going for me right now. Medications don't help but make me feel tensed, and just emotionless. We even discussed getting married but what's the point? My family views me as an outcast, his family doesn't approve of me at all. I have no friends to invite and it's just horrible the way things have played out in my life. I did have a job for  7 whole months which is a record breaker for me, but then I quit because of my anxiety and depression overshadowing me again. I feel like I really need help or I won't ever be able to actually be happy without having to worry every day. Worrying I will never have a steady job and the income I need to survive without someone taking care of me. I'm just at loss and it's getting worse.

[JessF]

Hello Kiri, I'm hearing not just the weight of your own unhappiness and but also the weight of those diagnoses you mention at the top of your post.  A trifecta!  Sometimes I wonder whether getting given labels is helpful, when I was first diagnosed with depression I found it to be a relief because the feelings i'd been having for many years made sense, but then after those feelings didn't go away as soon as I wanted them to, I returned to the dark place I had been in before.  Years of ups and downs followed, as well as other doctors and other labels which I won't go into here because I don't think they matter anymore.

I hope you can stay with us and talk some more because it's difficult to give an answer to everything you've talked about in one go, but I think a good starting point should be the way you feel about yourself, and how much of the way you see yourself is being shaped by others opinion of you.

Someone wrote in another thread an old quote something along the lines of 'what other people think of you is really none of your business'.  I think that can be a helpful thing to remember when we get bogged down by expectations from family and friends.  We are never going to be liked or loved by everybody in this life, and sometimes that will hurt especially if we feel that rejection from family.

To start with, though, you do have a source of love and support in your life, your fiance. You shouldn't question why he loves you any more than he would question why you love him. Clearly he sees things in you that you do not, and if his family are as disapproving of you as you believe they are, then he clearly doesn't care what they think - he wants to be with you.  That's worth some thought.

You talk quite a bit about how inadequate you have been feeling because of things you haven't been able to achieve yet (I emphasise YET) like studies, learning to drive, a steady job... but again this upset seems to have its roots in you comparing yoruself to what others have achieved.

What others want or are doing doesn't matter. What YOU want does.  Does that make any sense?

[AGrace]

Hi Kiri,

Just like you I have the perfect trifecta, so your post really resonated with me.

The first question that came to mind is are you still seeing the therapist who diagnosed you? If so, what forms of treatment have they suggested? Has anyone spoken to you about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? I'm starting DBT at the end of the year and it's a form of skills based therapy especially designed for people with BPD. It was even created by someone who had BPD.

I was also wondering if you have learn't much about BPD? All of the symptoms and concerns you spoke about are very common with this disorder. 

I've been with my partner for 5 years and there's not a day that goes by when I don't question why he's with me. One of the traits of BPD is a fear of real or imagined abandonment and sometimes we have a tendency to get in first and push our loved one's away before they have the chance to.

I think that's enough questions for now but I'll be interested to see your reply. BTW you've made my day knowing that there's another person on this planet who feels like me...so thanks for sharing.

Oh and just lastly, my National Training Manager at the job where I previously worked was only about 5ft and had the face of a little doll, but good things do come in small packages, and people definitely took her seriously.

AGrace

[HelenM]

Hi Kiri

What a tough time you're having. But you fight it. I'm not sure I would have attempted to drive if I were in your shoes. I had to leave work 6 years ago. Just the thought of returning makes me ill. You managed 7 months. I know you see these as negatives but honestly you are clearly a fighter. I think in mental illness we feel as though we're failures when the reality is we're fighting a huge adversary.

I often apologise to my husband for ruining his life. He tells me he loves me and wouldn't want anyone else. I think your fiance feels the same. When my brother got married his wife was suffering from depression. In his wedding speech he Thanked Nicky for trusting him with her feelings.

Take care, Helen

[Kiri19]

Hello, Ai

So far I've been under medication to specifically treat only the symptoms of anxiety and depression but like they told me, it doesn't necessarily treat the actual disorder. Which is why I feel like it isn't helping me much because I still have problems with the simplest of the things. Even going to the grocery store or returning an order that wasn't correct can be a tough challenge for me which is why I had to quit my job. My therapist never mentioned DBT and I haven't really learned much about BPD at all. I was surprised when they told me I had it and then everything started to make sense. Having BPD feels like I'm helpless in many situations and just makes me lose faith in myself and in my future careers. I also question every day why my fiancé chose to be with someone who has so much problems and can't even support herself without having to get help from someone. I constantly worry and fear of being abandon and can't take it. I feel like I would go insane if he left me and then just blame myself because of how I act. I don't know if I should ask my therapist about DBT or what she would way about it. I really want to find the help I need for this because I really don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I'm 20 years old without a license, education for a good job and  can't even feel comfortable in public. My other fear besides abandonment is the future because I keep constantly thinking I won't ever find a stable job and if something happened in my relationship I will be completely homeless. My family sees me as a problem, they just don't want to mess with me in fact they call me weird and all types of names. I wouldn't go with them at all, I'm tired of their verbal abuse and taunting me.

[AGrace]

Hi Kiri,

Quite often depression and anxiety are some of the symptoms of BPD,  so I take it that's why your therapist is tackling these first. 

Can I make a suggestion that you visit a website borderlinesupport.com.au

Here you will find a great deal of information about BPD and some of the treatments for helping you better manage the symptoms,  including info about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Once you've had a browse id raise the topic with your therapist,  they wont look down upon you...their job is all about helping people no matter what the symptoms. You are not BPD it is just a part of you and something that can be managed.

There's also a DBT workbook available to purchase,  I think I bought this through amazon for about $15, it helps me keep working through the treatment in between my Psychiatrist sessions.

I hope you'll keep us posted. 

AGrace