I have places to go, people to see - yet I feel unwanted and unloved

[White_Rose]

Like heaps of other people I have depression.  I have had very good help for at least six months and I thought I was managing my life.  Suddenly I feel as though I am back to square one.  Difficult to get out of bed, although I make myself do so.  A permanent, or so it seems, ache in my chest, feeling totally alone and sad unmotivated to do anything without a huge effort.  There is no reason for this.  I have family who care about me and friends.  I have places to go, people to see and things to do and yet I feel unwanted and unloved.  How does this happen and how do I get out of this situation?

Life is not good

[JessF]

Hello Life, sometimes we fall over many times on the way to getting better. Life is not a flat plain, it's a bumpy road, and it's difficult to deal with. Unfortunately we only make things worse when we beat ourselves up about falling over, we lose a lot of energy in being unkind to ourselves when we should be trying to channel that energy into getting up and carrying on.

Sometimes it can feel like you are back at square one after taking a knock, but I can see some positive moves forward in what you are saying: it's difficult to get out of bed, but you are finding a way to do so.  I know this might sound silly, but that is a masive achievement when you are depressed.  You deserve congratulations, and I guess only someone who has been through depression can say that because we recognise just how tough it is.

Those feelings you have of being unloved and alone despite being surrounded by people are a part of depression, our brains can lie to us. Have you talked to your family and friends about what you're going through at all?  What kind of help do you have at the moment>?

[Neil_1]

Dear LING (did you see what I did there?  A shortening up of your name creates a much nicer term than the one you’ve posted – not that there’s anything wrong with that!)  🙂  

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and “well done” to you for coming here and providing your post.  

For new posters, I always like to try and ask a few more questions, so as the people on here who read & post, will be able to be a bit more informed about you;  which in turn will help us better when replying back to you and therefore, supplying you with possible advice and assistance.  

Ok, so you’ve had great help for at least six months.  Are you able to please expand on that a little?   Is that by going to see a GP?   Any further referrals from there – ie:  counselling at all with a psychologist or psychiatrist?   And are you on any anti-depressant medication?  

That is a huge positive for you and big bonus, that you say you’ve got a family & friends who care about you.  Believe it or not, but there a hell of a lot of people who post on this site, that simply cannot say that.  May I ask whether family &/or friends know about how you’re exactly feeling?  If so, by what you’ve mentioned, it sounds like they are supporting you?  

I’ve got a lot more questions to ask, but I think if I can send this off to you as is, and if you’ll be kind enough to respond back, we’ll have a much clearer picture so we are able to better advise you in further responses to you.  

Kind regards  

Neil  

Ps:  do you have a partner & do you work or study?

[geoff]

dear LING, I see that you have had 157 posts and I'm sorry and forgive me but I don't recognise the username, but that can be my fault, as so many people post and sometimes I loss track, which is only my brain which is half dead from an accident.

You know that on occasions where people are lucky to have family support, and possibly friend support, this is always going to be a good back stop, but there can be some problems arising from this, as it seems to go another way, in that they may dominate and perhaps hound us with too much love, that we want to somehow push them away, it's no fault by all the parties involved, it's just that it is too much attention.

A lot of us do complain that we don't have family support because it's never been given to us, so there is a fine balance as to where we sit, that is we need help, but not to be overbearing.

By forcing yourself to get out of bed, well that's a real effort to do this, and you should be congratulated, but I would like to know your thoughts about what Jess, Neil and myself have said. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Hello Geoff, Neil and Jess

Thank you for your replies.  I did think no one was going to respond but I under-estimated the generosity and care of people using BB.

I live alone, separated from husband, aged 70, retired, have a great GP and have been talking to a psychologist (also great) for the past six months and I take anti-depressants. 

Some years ago I was hugely depressed and I worried my family so much that I vowed I would never do that again.  Not that I anticipated being depressed again.  Things happened to me that I cannot talk about and although I tried very hard to cope the advice/suggestions from the psych and GP was to walk away.  I can see why it was probably the best thing to do but now that I am getting a little stronger I really miss what I had and I suppose I am still grieving.

My family do know some parts of the situation but I feel guilty about telling them everything and upsetting them further.  I know this is not logical but I find it difficult stop feeling I am worthless because of what was done.  Sometimes it seems that part of me knows what to do and how to survive and at the same time another part is telling me how useless and stupid I am.

It seems as though there is a war going on inside me between the part that wants to move on and get healed and the part that says how pointless and stupid it is because I don't really want to make the effort.  So some days are better than others.

Jess, you said we use a lot of energy in beating ourselves up and I think I am doing that.  It is quite hard to stop because the thoughts are there before you realise it.

Geoff, I do relate to the family.  My children have their own families to care for and they contact me fairly regularly.  I am always included in family occasions, so it seems wrong to say that sometimes I get overwhelmed by being with them.  I get panicky and want to run away which results in feeling ashamed.  I know if they ignored me (which they don't) I would also feel bad so it seems like trying to have it both ways.  I find this confusing.

When all this stuff was happening I did think seriously about taking my own life but I did not tell the family how I felt because it would upset them.  When this is written down it seems so silly so I guess I was not thinking straight at the time.

Today has been better and I keep making resolutions to be more positive and myself get on and do more constructive activities.

Thank you all for replying.  This has also helped me to feel better.

Regards

LING

[Neil_1]

Dear Ling

Here was I welcoming you as brand newie and lo & behold, I didn’t even bother to check how many posts you’d had – so didn’t I feel like a dumb dumb. (I like to use that term, cause it’s a line from out of the movie “Night At The Museum” – very funny stuff)

You mentioned that the advice was to walk away – and now you find that you’re grieving for doing that;  is that correct?   Was that your marriage?

You know what thought Ling – I find it highly difficult to believe that you are worthless – I know I know, I don’t know you from a bar of soap (what does that phrase really mean anyway!), but goodness me, you are 70 years – you have LIVED, you have seen, you have experienced so much and you say you feel worthless.  I’m sorry, but I can’t buy that. 

You’re here on Beyond Blue and seeking out some support, advice and assistance and we’ll give it to you in truck loads.  You’ve also mentioned that you’re doing all the things that one with mental health issues needs to do – GP, psych and meds.   Um, useless and stupid – I’m sorry, but no way.  You’re in there and you’re fighting this illness in all the right ways – you’ve provided a post here, very well written, to the point and well set out. 

If you were indeed stupid, useless and worthless, then you wouldn’t have been able to do that or the other positive things that you’re doing. I don’t know if you watch a footy show called “Bounce” (it used to be After the Bounce) – it’s an Aussie Rules show and pretty damn funny – and I’m going to quote Andrew Gaze’s segment here;  with what you were trying to refer yourself as:   Ah Ling, Turn It Up.  🙂   Now either you’ll get that and laugh or you’ll think, oh dear, I hope his medication kicks in soon and he starts making some sense. 

Ling, you mentioned about constructive activities.  Are you able to let us know what some of them are?  Things you enjoy doing?

I’m so pleased you wrote back to us. I really look forward to hearing from you again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Neil

My separation, although my choice, was the cause of my first depression. 

This difficulty I have now is because I was very severely bullied and harassed which led to me giving up a (voluntary) job I really loved.  Sorry to make a mystery of it but I feel I should have handled it better.  I miss the work because I believed it was worthwhile and helped people who were disadvantaged.

It upsets me because I was good at the job and was in the process of improving our services.  It's over and done with but I am reminded of it at regular intervals in various ways and each time I have to start again.

I was also upset because the intimidation was so intense and public and I was portrayed as a very nasty person.  Of course you only have my opinion about this.   I know others believe I was harmed but an investigation exonerated the other person.  Mind you, the investigation was made by a colleague of the accused and the organisation has a history of not managing their employees properly.

Unfortunately the effects linger on so any other voluntary work in that place has been 'discouraged'.  I feel I am being sorry for myself instead of moving on.  It's hard and I am unsure where to go next.  A couple of days ago I accepted another, small, voluntary role but I am unsure if this is something that I can do.  But I will have a good try.

At home I enjoy reading, mostly philosophy and spirituality, crafts and meditation.  Sounds useful but I cannot do any of these things for long anymore.  I just get distracted by hurting.  But I hope I am improving.  I wrote to BB on an impulse because I was so down and the replies I have received have given me a huge lift.

I know I am not the only one in this sort of position but it does not always help to remember this.  I changed my user name because I was embarrassed to ask for help after I had tried to help others.  I do hope you will forgive the deception.

Yes I laughed at your quote, even though I have no idea how Aussie Rules works. I'm an English Queenslander and only understand hockey, tennis and soccer (real football).  Oops, did I say that out loud?

Regards

LING

[White_Rose]

Hi Neil

I posted a reply some hours ago but it has not yet appeared.  I will try to replicate my answer later.  Feeling miserable as I have developed a rotten cold, ache all over and have a sore throat.  Ain't life grand?

Back soon

LING

[geoff]

dear Ling, please come back, but having a cold sore throat does make you feel horrible, so far I have survived without getting it, but then I take so much medication, it wouldn't be game to even try and make me sick.

What I am really worried about is that there are many hidden problems inside you, which haven't been resolved as yet, and perhaps they should be brought up, or do as I have done with my unresolved problems, and that is package them up and send them adrift, but you can only do this if you can cope without resolving them, but if they still worry you, then they need to be helped with.

Being your age you have had a great deal of experience and knowledge, and boy I'm only 10 years short of your age. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Geoff

I am feeling better today. I see my post in reply to Neil has finally found its way here. So read above for some answers to your questions.

Yes, I agree. The thing to do is let it all go.  The trouble is of course, how do we do this?  I have finally reconciled myself with my marriage and separation and I am pleased I took that step even though it resulted in major depression.  In some ways it has given me hope that I can get through this.  Does 15 years later make much of a difference?

I really know I can get through this.  The barriers are things like seeing the same pattern from the bully reoccurring in general and it makes me so angry.  But when people are not prepared to stand up and be counted there is nothing for me or anyone else to do.  And in any case, protests get brushed aside by the hierarchy.  Even previous complaints from others were ignored.

I have enough evidence to go to court on defamation charges but where do you get this kind of money and energy?  I had neither.  And in the long run would this have been a better option.  Years of stress and anxiety, because it is never a short process. And I think my mental health would have been severely compromised.

And if I was successful I would still not be happy.  I do not particularly want vengeance, just peace.  So the best thing for me is to let go of the all the hurt as best I can.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life grieving about this.  I want my life back.  I think I need a little more patience.

LING