I have forgotten who I am

OliveM · ‎18-04-2015

If I could, I would, roll up in a ball, let others just go about their lives and I would just give up.

I am fighting each day. I feel it in my chest. I just don't care is my mantra. My boys are keeping me on a level, but that level is not exciting or buoyant for them. I am seeing the Dr. I have a psych appointment in 2 weeks. Have told friends I am depressed.

I hate it. I know there is no switch but if only there was. I would be flicking it to happy.

As I was working full time with depression, I used to use work to cover it up, leaving work going straight home to bed. Now I am a full time mum, I have noticed that not having to work has shown me how bad it actually is. And how long the episodes go on for. This time around 8 weeks. No joy.

If it wasn't for the boys, if I wasn't seeing the Dr I would give up. Roll up in that ball, check into hospital and just refuse to get well.

Look I understand that is not an outlook that makes sense. It is how I am feeling.

The Dr booked me to see a Psychiatrist but they wanted 130.00 for a 30 min appointment. What the hell are they going to glean from me in 30 mins? What a crock, so I cancelled the appointment.

I have been on anti depressants for many years, recently changing brands to see if would help the mood and the sleep - the I just want to sleep feelings. 3 weeks on with the change and still I just don't care. Trying to sleep as much as I can. Feeling also like I need it.

ECT - I am wondering if this is the cure for me? I am so over loosing humour, not wanting, not caring, avoiding, hating, hurting, thinking that if life is like this for the next 40 years, why oh why bother.

I am not suicidal. I want to remember who I am, what I stand for and why it is so for me.

Where is that easy fix or remedy?

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PurpleShade · ‎19-04-2015

Hello OliveM,

I know there are not really many words I could say that will make things better but I feel your angst and wanted you to know, I've felt the despair you feel and I have managed to rise out of it a little bit at a time. I find it helps to focus on getting through a small piece of time a little bit by little bit. The sun will always rise and step by step we can watch it rise over the horizon and hopefully a little bit at a time lift our spirit too.

When I get stuck in my depressed head, I just spin around and around so I try to break things down a little so they are manageable, just enough so I can see my worth to rise for another minute out of the crazy black spin cycle.

I hold hope for you that you can get past this space you're in, everything will pass and a different feeling will submerge and I hold hope that a new feeling, will hold a little bit of sun.

I know when I'm down its really hard to see hope so I will hold that hope for you until you can take it. Sending you a quiet calm vibe to help you through this moment ~~~~

I look forward to getting to talking again.

Take care and be kind to you x

White_Rose · ‎19-04-2015

Dear Olive

I also know that words will not necessarily help you, except to let you know that people at Beyond Blue are going through, or have gone through, the same place you are in now. Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. Stay with us and write about all your feelings, your sadness and pain and we will read and answer your posts.

You can claim the majority of the psychiatrist's fee from Medicare. The first appointment should be more than 30 minutes I would have thought. But even so, no one is going to 'get' everything about you in one session. It will take time and a lot of effort on your part. And I appreciate you are putting in a huge effort at the moment.

I do not know a great deal about ECT. There was a post on BB about this but not sure where to find it. Try putting ECT + Beyond Blue into your search engine. That is often the quickest way to find an old post. Just taken my own advice. The ECT thread is under Treatments and started June 2014. Not positive comments.

Beyond Blue have a fact sheet about ECT. Look under The Facts tab at the top of the page. Scroll down to Treatment options/Treatment options/Treatment for depression. Then scroll down to medical treatments for depression and scroll down to the bottom of the page. Click on Fact Sheet 48. Hopefully that will give you the information you require.

If you are looking at ECT as a quick fix I think you will be disappointed. There is no quick fix. Ask your GP to refer to you to another psychiatrist or to a psychologist. Your GP can write up a mental health plan and refer you to a psychologist who will then give you ten free or low cost sessions. It's worthwhile as a starting point.

Many people find a psychologist more comfortable than a psychiatrist and they do work in different ways.

Three weeks on ADs is not very long. The kick-in time is more like six weeks. In the meantime please take Purple Shade's advice and look at taking small steps, breaking everything down into small components. Give yourself a pat on the back when you complete each one. Or a piece of chocolate depending on your preference.

I know that from where you the world looks terrible. It truly will get better but on your bad days try phoning BB on 1300 22 4636. They are available 24/7. Alternatively you can talk on the Web Chat. Just click on the the words at the top of the page. A real time chat can be very helpful and reassuring.

I hope you write in again.

Mary

Dette · ‎19-04-2015

So feel your pain, the only thing that has kept me going for the last almost 20 years has been my kids, even though they are now legally adults, they are still my kids and I know the damage I would do to them if I gave in to the horrible black thoughts that go through my mind. The source of my depression is the loss of my mum at 14 in horrible circumstances, which keeps me going at my worst times, to protect them from the pain I suffer. If it helps to focus on your kids keep doing it, medication is also one of the only ways I have stayed alive for them. On days when there is no other reason to keep walking through the thick black mud of depression, remember that you are saving your kids from the same fate, everyone needs their mum. Good luck.

OliveM · ‎04-05-2015

I kept my Physiologist appointment and have been taking mood stabilizers prescribed by the GP.I have had a follow up with the GP and speaking to him after reading stories on Black Dog Site, I have found similar veins of myself in the Bi-Polar 11, peoples stories. It was like one particular story could have been mostly about me. Bloody no wonder that the depression medication alone has not worked. Trying different brands, trying different dosages over the years, having to take sleep medication, but never beating the depression. I never knew about the Bi Polar HIGH highs... I just considered that a well feeling. And because I never experienced the Mania on a Grand level, I just assumed depression and when Dr's asked me (well only one has ever asked about mania) I just didn't relate that well feeling other than that, one of wellness but I now know the feeling to be mania. Oh boy! No I can remember certain periods of time.....I feel rather embarrassed at remembering them at work! Oh dear me.

So now on a new medication journey to see if we can keep my mood and brain chemicals at a functioning one that does not tip over into highs then the devastating lows.

Thank you for listening when I needed it the most.

If any one has a fairygod-mother who can do housework and keep me rested and safe when I am unwell and care for us all - send her my way will you :D.

So fingers crossed that with a new lot of medication and a new perspective on what could be more than depression, understanding and harnessing in that WELL feeling, not to let it get out of control, then I may just have found the right track.

Thank you again

OliveM · ‎04-05-2015

Hi Mary,

I did find info on here about ECT and then thought OH MAN....Even that is not going to work.... But it maybe that I won't need it now any ways.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post.

I hope you have had a day that saw you smile or at least laugh more than once.

OliveM

White_Rose · ‎04-05-2015

Dear Olive

Great to hear from you again. Have you been officially diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder? If this is the case then you whole treatment plan will be different I imagine. There are many folk here who have this disorder and hopefully will respond to you.

I'm not sure if I missed a post. Did you get your GP to refer you to a psychologist? How is it working out? It's great when you can work with someone who you feel comfortable with.

To return to ECT, I am surprised, still, that this was a serious recommendation in such a short time.However, you now know more about it and can make a more informed decision is the suggestion comes up again.

Pleas continue to post and tell us how you are going. And yes, I did laugh several times today.

Mary