I feel lost, tired, anxious, depressed, no energy

[John1701]

About a month ago I went to a work going away party. I am a new father, my boy has just turned one. I thought this would be a great night to unwind for the first time for over a year and a half. As much as I love my son more than anything, fatherhood stresses me out more than anything that preceded it. The night was a perfect storm as everyone bought me drinks. As the night progressed my memory and cognitive function lessened. I can't remember exactly how much I drank but it would be close to 20 standard drinks(extremely irresponsible) and something I haven't done since I was 21. Though I thought it rude to decline a single one. A friend who used to work at the company who had shown up that night. Asked to see my house which I was building near by the pub we were at that night. Around midnight when the pub closed I vaguely remember getting in her car and arriving at my future home. I stumbled around the half built home showing her around the various rooms. I remember giving her a hug goodbye when I finished the tour to which she turned it into a kiss. Me not pulling out of the kiss has left me scarred beyond what I thought possible. The last thing I remember that night was her strongly advising me to get in her car. I declined and immediately walked to my parents and called my wife to what had transpired. Since this I feel all sorts of emotions from betrayal, depression, anxiety, guilt and night time panic attacks. I don't know if I feel like the perpetrator or the victim, or somewhere in between. As the ex work friend was sober enough to make the decision to take me in my extremely inebriated state to a secluded destination to take advantage of me. But also me not strong enough to pull out of the kiss in time and putting myself in that position in the first place. My wife and family have forgiven me but I can not forgive myself as this is far out of my character. I feel like I'm spiralling as I have never broke my moral compass like this before. I apologise for rambling to all who read, I am currently on medication to stabilise me but I'm afraid I'll never recover fully to be whole for my family who need me most. This is the lowest point of my life.

[therising]

Hi John

The fact that you feel the way you do about this incident speaks volumes when it comes to who you truly are. You are a highly conscious person who was in a semi conscious state at the time. Coming back to full consciousness can be such a brutal and torturous experience that can be deeply impacting on so many levels. I feel for you so much while you feel so heavily impacted in the way of body, mind and even soul (with it feeling so soul destroying).

I'm wondering whether you can mark that event as the beginning of something or the end of something. Could it be the beginning of greater consciousness and self understanding? Kinda like 'This marks the beginning of me becoming fully conscious of who I want and need to be. This marks the moment where I have woken up to a new way of life for myself'. Could it mark the end of an old perspective, such as the perspective of seeing alcohol as simply a harmless drink? Let me expand on that one...

Being a gal who manages alcohol very carefully, I stopped seeing it as a harmless thing some years ago, following alcohol abuse and quite a number of regrets. Based on my experience, I've raised my 20yo daughter and 18yo son to see alcohol for what it has the potential to be and that is a mind altering substance. It's crazy when you think about it but mind altering substances that significantly change our nature are either illegal or we may have to wait months to see a psychiatrist in order to gain access to certain ones that can alter the brain/mind in the way of greater function. With alcohol, you can walk into a shop to find hundreds of different mind altering substances lining the shelves, of all different flavours and colours. Within minutes, you're walking out the door with your choice of mind altering substance, a process that's been normalised.

John, I believe there are many facets within us that come to make up who we are. There is our inner adventurer, our inner sage, our inner fearless risk taker, stresser, clown, child, optimist, pessimist and so much more. I found, if there's one thing excessive amounts of alcohol will do...it will suppress the inner sage, the part that says 'Don't do this, you'll deeply regret it'. Alcohol drowns it out. When we can't tap into that part of our self, things can go so wrong and we can be left with such deep regret. It can also be hard to hear the sage in us when we're in a state of deep regret, guilt, shame and more but, believe me, it's there and I imagine it's saying to you 'You need to forgive yourself'. Not sure if it will help but I've come to see forgiving myself as 'Moving forward through giving myself release from one vine (of sufferance), while grabbing onto the next vine which represents some form of growth and change for the better'. Bit of a Tarzan visual there. What does that new vine look like for you?

[John1701]

I never thought in a thousand years I would be in this situation.Thank you Soo much for your sage advice. My wife and son mean more to me than life itself. How quickly wedded bliss can turn to tragedy under the influence of alcohol. I will try and apply your wise words to my healing process, as I am still deeply disappointed in myself it will be a lengthy recovery. But with health care professionals, my family and kind people like you I truly hope I can recover and reform to be the husband/ father they deserve.

[therising]

Hi John

I hope your perspective continues to change and evolve over time to the point where you not only forgive yourself but can go on to see that situation as a positive turning point in your life. Constantly looking back at something that feels so regretful and literally sickening (a truly horrible feeling) can really mess with us for months or even years. If we can recall it in some constructive way, we can come to see some value in it, perhaps a lesson learned/a higher level of consciousness achieved.

Not sure if it will be of help but I tend to look at myself as leaving like a vapor trail of past selves behind. I suppose you could say they're like ghosts of the past. Each one is not me but it was me, under a variety of circumstances throughout my life. When I look back at some of my past selves, I'm able to say (in the way of forgiveness), 'You knew no better at the time because.... I forgive you for knowing no better'. Self compassion can be a challenge.

Wishing you only the best regarding the way forward.🙂