I feel like no one understands

[Leleina]

Hi... today is an exceptionally blue day. My husband triggered my depression this morning by criticising my priorities. I get it, I made a mistake and I feel so wrong. Then it just started hurting all morning. I became a monster to myself. I don't know. I feel like no one understands and I am supposed to voice how I feel but I rather not. And I know, it is all eating me up inside, and I tell myself it's ok it's ok of course it's not but what can anyone do about it. Is it a case of a hurt ego from being told off? Letting the masks fall is making me feel so vulnerable, I rather not feel. 

[geoff]

Hello Leleina, when you feel as though you have made a mistake it might not be so, and just because your husband has criticised you is only his way of thinking and not taking into account that you are fragile and doesn't understand exactly how you are feeling.

Depression of any type doesn't allow you to express how you are feeling, simply because we are afraid of what others may say, and whether they condemn us or supposedly sympathise, may not continually support us through this terrible journey.

Being told off, only increases how we are silently thinking and doesn't allow us to express our thoughts, in fear of being told off, that's certainly not how we can begin to repair our damaged soul, all we want is for people to listen and at least try and understand.

My best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Hey Leleina, I'm sorry you're going through this with H. 

Have you suggested marriage counselling? 

There are many people that understand what you're going through. 
Having a highly critical partner is AWFUL. 

The one person we want to have our back, support us, care more about us than criticising every thing we do... 

seems like you have the opposite dynamic going on that needs to be there for a nurturing marriage. 

With H bringing up notes about your mother? What is that? 
Is H trying to upset you?

It's hard to need a "hard shell" as a defence against a partner. 
In response to constant criticism, I ended up saying "Nah, I don't take that on. You don't have the credibility to say that" and after many years, I believed myself too! 

A Psych said to me at one point.... "he needs YOU a hell of a lot more than you'll ever need him". 
I couldn't believe she said this. 
You see I was and have always been far more capable in life than exH. I was and still am. 
He KNEW this and tried to chip away at my being. 

I truly believe that criticism is nothing more than one person desperately trying to bring the other one down to their level. 

How are you doing today? 
Love EM

[Leleina]

Thank you EM. I hate to post this in reply. I'm sitting here trying to manage my negative thoughts and bring my feelings under control, after I was told this morning I had brought in the wrong energy for the morning when he was about to go to work. So I'm feeling... What everyone said.. feeling acutely pained and vulnerable, wanting to put on the hard shell (I had to, for the kids).. and for when he gets back.. I just feel so bad it's hurting and I really wish I don't have to manage my life, my everything.. 

[ecomama]

Dear Leleina, that's a stressful way to start the day. I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

Yes it's sad you have to put on a hard shell when your H is around you. 

But you're following your instincts. You know in your gut that something's wrong here. The pain you're feeling is telling you something's very wrong. 

Sure partners may say some things some times that hurt their spouse, but not to the extreme you're experiencing. 
I'm trying very gently to lead you to certain understandings. 

It'd be very wise at this point to engage a Counsellor for women, or to join a group at a Women's Health Centre... if you explained a few things you've shared here with the Women's Health Centre, they may have suitable groups for you to attend. 

Have you heard of "Gaslighting"? 
There's a whole movie available on YouTube for free called "Gaslight", that explains where that form of psychological abuse comes from. The term gaslighting is now used by Psychologists, Counsellors and people who've experienced this form of abuse. 

You can see in the movie, how the H appears to be so gentle with his W but you also see how much damage this psychological torment is doing to her. 
It's very informative. 

I hope you have friends and family around to support you, 
Love EMxxxx

[therising]

Hi Leleina

A little bit sassy perhaps but imagine saying to your husband 'Do you know why your vibe isn't strong enough to shift mine? Do you have any idea as to why you tend to bring me down? I just can't work it out'. As I say, sassy.

If you're a real feeler (sounds like you are), the question is 'What are you feeling from him? What kind of vibe are you picking up on?'. Is it a self serving one, where he wants you to serve him by making him feel happy, no matter how you feel? Is it a judgemental one, where you can feel him judging your mood disapprovingly before he even opens his mouth?

My 17yo son is a major feeler and vibe shifter. I swear he's a master. He can walk into the room and easily gain a sense of where I'm at. If he senses 'down', the first thing he'll do is lead me to laugh. He won't report to me the mood I'm in, he'll simply make me laugh. He's a giver. He can gift the kinds of laughs and smiles that can shift a mood/vibe in a matter of seconds, no matter how down I am.

If you're a sensitive/a feeler, I've discovered it pays to get a good sense when it comes to exactly what you're getting from people. Next level can involve stating what you sense, 'I can feel you judging me. I can feel you bringing me down'. If a person comes back with 'With the heck are you talking about. You're speaking poop', it pays to trust your feelings...'No, I can definitely feel what you're doing to me. I also felt that dismissive shutdown you just threw my way. You know it hit me straight in the chest. I think I just felt heartache/heartbreak and it feels pretty damn horrible'. Have faith in your feelings. Don't doubt yourself so much❤️

While you're at it, maybe see if you can practice getting a feel for the nature of other people and things, shifting your attention away from your husband. Who brings you some sense of peace? Who do you love being in the calm presence of? What music brings your energy up a little? If you feel a slight rise with the music aspect, try turning up the volume so you feel a higher volume of that energy. Experiment with your ability to feel so much, so easily.

[Leleina]

Thank you EM. While I say his words hurt me, he says my actions hurt him. He spots the traits in my mum that are in me, and he is right. When my parents visited for 2 months, I 'saw' that my mother is emotionally abusive and the level of control my parents try to exert... Husband is trying to correct that. He has apologised for over reacting yesterday. He says I am the one who gaslights him. I brought up how shaken I was and had a chat but made him angry over something I had again done. I've never considered myself a gaslighter but husband is also triggered and one of them is manipulation which he accuses me of. We are an intercultural family, and after 10 years of marriage is when the cracks start to show. 

Thank you for all your support. I read your messages many times a day. I need to practice for the feel so if I can get the rhythms right.. might ease some tension. Just tired of feeling always the one to make the changes. 

[ecomama]

Dear Leleina, you're most welcome, any time. 

Please use your thread to get anything and everything OUT of your system. 
Regular forum members are not trained MH professionals... but clearly we are survivors of much torment in our lives and hope to support others to live a wholehearted life always. 

If you have Netflix.... there's an AWESOME show on there which you and your H may benefit from watching together. 
My American Fiance and I use many of Brene's techniques now that we both understand how to use them. 
He is from German / Italian heritage and I'm from Polynesian / Irish heritage and spent my formative years in Asia where I was born lol. 
I GET intercultural!! 

Another thing I would LOVE for you to think about and it's a REALLY nice thing to Google search.... 
strengths based activities. 

Clearly SOME thing brought you two together which helped you each fall in love with each other. 
Instead of constantly working on the dreary yuck things in the relationship, look at the STRENGTHS of your marriage. 
Things you loved doing together. 
Then doing them lol. 

You could even start a Dream folder together of all the things you'd love to do in your future together. 

Lastly, why anyone would think we are NOT going to be somewhat like our parents, has another think coming. 
We are, it's a thing! 

Strengths based. 

Love EMxxxx

[Leleina]

Another exceptionally blue day a year later -- I'm not doing so well today at all. Too many overwhelming emotional triggers ongoing; negativity swimming in a part of my head and the other part is struggling to reassure that everything is OK, and yet my head and heart are both screaming at me at the same time. 

[therising]

Hi Leleina

I wish there was something I could say that could lead you to feel a difference. It's a truly horrible feeling, when nothing seems to be changing for the better and the longer it goes on for the harder it is to cope with. Just so hard. It really gets exhausting.

Sometimes I wish we had more wonderful people around us, people filled with so much wonder that they could not help but wonder why we do the things we do. Then they'd lead us to a constructive sense of wonder and we'd all work the reasons out together and things would change for the better through a lot of welcomed revelations. I do have those sorts of people in my life, the ones that don't criticise but instead help me come to know myself better. On the other hand, I've found most people are inclined to point out certain traits I have and tell me in a variety of ways exactly how 'defective' I am. They won't exactly use that word but, hey, they may as well.

The thing that's most amazing about truly wonderful or wonder filled people is they don't leave you alone to wonder why you're struggling, why you feel so down, why you can't let go of old ways that no longer serve you etc etc. I've found that sometimes when I enter into a down period, one of the reasons can involve far too many critiques in my life and not enough wonderful people.

The battle between head and heart can be such a brutal battle, as each can have their own kind of dialogue. I'd say the head kind of dialogue is more so associated with the pure analyst in me, the commander or dictator in me, the critic in me etc. The heartfelt dialogue comes more from the nurturer in me, the feeler, the seeker and giver of love etc. Somewhere in the middle is the sage I suppose you could say. I think the sage in us has a more soulful logic that comes from both places. Such logic has a kindness to it. For example, the sage in you may dictate 'He is right, you are like your mother in some ways and that is not necessarily your fault. In order to change in the ways you wish to change, you must be kind and patient with yourself as you seek greater self understanding, a quest not everyone is brave enough to go on'. There is both logic and love in such advice from your inner sage. There are times where I wish the sage in me was so much easier to tap into. I'm more inclined to hear the critic in me but I think that's 1) out of habit and 2) because it's become so strong with practice. Tapping into our inner sage is something well worth mastering. With enough practice it holds the potential to replace the inner critic. The question is 'How to start practicing?'.

[Leleina]

Hi TheRising, your post is speaking to me right now reaching into the heart of my night struggling with feelings of anger and abandonment from old patterns of behaviour that head, heart and inner sage emotional tussle more like a war, a raging war of words and feelings. Please go on... i'd like to know too... how to start practising?