I feel like I'm drowning but everyone around me can breath

[shay2]

Help I am 13 years old and a female.  I think I am suffering from depression but I cant be sure, all I know is that I don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy and I have to fake smile everyday day.

I started self harming last year but stopped after being threatened with therapy, I have now started up again and don't know how to stop or how to control these feelings.  I have suicidal thoughts every day and night and they are getting stronger so I don't even trust myself to be alone sometimes.

I am too afraid to tell anyone or ask for help so here I am asking anyone professional or non professional to give me some advice or even tell me some good ways to seek help because I cant anymore I am so sick and tired of crying myself to sleep every night.

-Yours truly, broken xx

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Shay,

You need professional help (which doesn't have to be "threatened").  Please rock up at the Emergency Department and spend a week or so being treated for depression and self harm properly.    When a 13 yrs says "I have suicidal thoughts every day and night and they are getting stronger so I don't even trust myself to be alone sometimes" you are crying out for help.

Your brain will keep having these thoughts.  No wonder you "don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy".     The fake smile is good.  At least it shows you can still socialise somewhat.  A real smile would be better though.

Even if the hospital don't admit you at least they can do a full initial assessment and give you some community contacts.   Just take someone you trust with you not someone that will huff and puff and say, after a 2 hr wait, "you know we're missing the State of Origin ?".  Although having a fake smile when NSW lose again might be of some benefit.  Go the Blues !  Er,  well there's always next year.

You have your whole teenage life to look forward to - zits, puberty, boyfriends' first sloppy kiss behind the bike sheds, homework, tests, that cute boy in the Geography class that wants to ask you out but is scared to, Auntie Matilda squeezing you in her ample bossom when you graduate and finish HSC, University selection or Employers waiting for your cv and, most importantly, 2 years to recover from the wedding of the century - Justin Beiber & Marge Simpson.    You get my drift ?    Self harm is looking inside yourself and most of life is about going outside the box and doing stuff that is fun or safe. 

Being "afraid to tell anyone or ask for help" is OK.  But you can always email, text, write messages in the sand at Bondi Beach, etc.   You are actually in need of some help, afraid or not.   The longer you leave it the more afraid you might be.  Just chill.   Slip it into a family conversation and no one will even notice:

Dad:  "Bloody government want to start charging fees for public school"

Shay:  "I've started hurting myself and I feel like I want to die"

Mum:  "Oh, that's another thing, the lawn man is coming on Friday this week - can you organise for one of the neighbour's to pay him, thank you darling ?"

Shay:   "So I need someone to take me to hospital after dinner"

Mum:   "Gavin, you take her - I need someone to grab some milk from the supermarket as well.   There's a Woolworths by the hospital, it's on the way."

Dad:    "Hospital - is it serious ?"

Shay:    "Yes, I've been afraid to tell anyone"

Mum:   'Shay for goodness sake - remember the time I got caught in the toilet at the shopping centre - that was pretty serious and I told you all about that.  And get 4 onions for the mince I'm cooking at the weekend.   Gotta do that dish that Uncle Harry likes so much for his 60th birthday.  God, I remember the day we all went to see 101 Dalmations and he tried to sneak his puppy into the cinema..........."

Chances are there is enough drama to absorb your drama.   If you have to get hospital treatment a 2nd or 3rd time the attention will lessen even more.  You can't expect your family to accept it at first, but they'll come around and support you in some fashion.  Because that's their job.  Now, go wait in the car while I find the car keys.

Adios, David.

PS  I have 3 kids 18, 20 and 21 and compose jazz/kids songs.  There is some humour in the response but you know I'm am concerned and serious at heart.  The moderators wouldn't update this if they thought it would offend you in anyway. Good Luck and welcome to BB.

[geoff]

dear Shay, I always feel so sorry for young adolescents who are suffering from depression, and because of your age I have to be careful of how I say things back to you, as it won't go through the filter.

Depression affects anybody and age is no barrier, but what we all in need in these times of hardship is support and definitely help.

It would be much better if you were offered some counselling rather than being threatened, and I'm sure that you have seen signs saying 'wet paint don't touch', this only entices people to have the nerve to actually touch it.

You may pass this sign on many an occasion, but finally the temptation prevails, and you do actually feel to see if it is wet.

This is the same as with you, you stop the self harm, but then this temptation starts again, however you are only doing this because you are depressed and do need some professional help.

On this site we offer help, support and assistance as much as we can, and if you accept this ( which you seem to ) then there must be many problems that are hurting you, and the reason why you are self harming.

The fake smile, yes we all know about this, and the crying ourselves to sleep, again we all have done this, because our life with depression is terrible.

Do you have an adult that you trust and can confide in, whether this is either parent or a friends mother, or maybe an untie, someone who is able to take you to a doctor who will put you onto antidepressants.

Just be careful if you don't tell your mum or dad, only because they will probably find out down the track and may become annoyed with not telling them, however you can let us know about this if they do become annoyed.

If you click onto 'young people' just below this reply there is a 'get help now or find a health professional', you could try this by yourself, but more importantly I don't want to lose you from replying back to us.

Please I really mean this, because you are desperate for help, and we want to be able to do this for you. Geoff. x

[a_long_time_lost]

Hello Shay,

I am 47 but guess what I feel just like you. I too have forgotten what happiness is but you are young and if you can just find the smallest amount of inner strength, you have the opportunity to find happiness again.

Is there someone you trust or really look up to, don't be afraid to go to them and tell them how you feel, I know it is easier said than done. Do not be afraid to express how you feel, reaching out and admitting you aren't coping is the first step to getting better. You are a brave girl for coming onto this forum to share your thoughts, at least you have recognised that something is not right.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you work something out.

Lee-Ann. 

[kelly]

Hey, you! There are so many things I'd like to tell you. But we haven't got enough web space. I wish I had taken my parents up on thier threat to send me to a shrink. I was in your boots at the same age. Please do something about this. I would hate for you to waste 20 years getting someone to tell me how to help myself feel better, like I did. I know it feels like everyone is trying to punish you, but you've taken the first, and hardest step, coming here and asking what you should do. No-one deserves to live in misery. Sieze the opportunity to empower yourself by getting the help you need and deserve. And if your first attempt is not a success, keep trying. The right help is there, but sometimes, it's not that easy to find. 

[Melinda]

Dear Shay,

I feel compelled to reply as you remind me so much of myself when I was 13. I started self harming around that age, after attempting suicide. It went on for years before anyone noticed, I had started to run out of places where I could hide it. I was never threatened with therapy, I had to seek that out myself. I was the one who went to the doctor when I was 16, said I couldn't remember ever feeling happy without it being an effort, and that I thought I had depression. My family didn't know how to react to all of my "issues". Rather than talk to me about how I was feeling, my mother instead volunteered to help others through a crisis phone line thing. She would react with anger when I'd harm myself and call me stupid. I understand this all now as hurt and worry, that it was their way of coping. My sister still likes to remind me about how upsetting it was for her when I was depressed as a teenager and how horrible I was.

I found ReachOut to be useful for me, headspace looks like it could be useful too. Also, there is MoodGym. I think there is also Youth Beyond Blue. It sounds like you need to get yourself a counsellor or a youth/caseworker, someone who can be there for you in person. I saw someone through a place that dealt with young people and mental illness. She would see me once a week, maybe more, and drive me to places where we could talk. She also arranged art therapy for me and took me to the hospital if my injuries seemed worrisome. If I was having a particularly bad time she would arrange for someone from the mental health unit to call me on the weekends to make sure I was ok. 

With her help, I began to see that my self harming had become a coping mechanism, and an addiction. By injuring myself I was not focusing on what was really bothering me, and therefore, I would have no release from how I was feeling. I used other ways of coping with things, writing things down, calling someone for help, holding ice or flicking elastic bands on my wrists, and rewarding myself for certain lengths of time when I had not harmed myself. Eventually, I managed to stop, and this September will be 11 years since I last did it.

Therapy can be a useful tool in your road to recovery. I don't think it should be used as a threat. In therapy I have been able to talk about things that I cannot say to my family or friends, I have been taught things that can help me cope with how I'm feeling and change my thought patterns so that I don't feel so pessimistic all the time. Well, before I hit this monumental bump in the road and now I'm struggling again. But even so, I'm seeing a psychologist, a GP and hopefully a psychiatrist soon.

I think you are very smart and brave for reaching out for help at your age, I think if I had gotten help earlier, maybe I wouldn't be 30 and still struggling.

i hope you are able to find the assistance you need. I am sorry this was such a long reply.