I feel like I have hit a brick wall.

[calmseeker]

I feel lost. I have been trying really really hard to manage my anxiety and stay positive and take all the right steps to help myself, and for a few months I felt a bit better and even felt a bit empowered to offer some assistance to others but as of the last few days I have had terrible panic attacks again with nasty symptoms resurfacing and now I just feel really depressed and very disappointed that my efforts to overcome this condition are all in vain. I have tried to eat well and do a bit of exercise, I have started online CBT therapy which have committed too and working really hard at but the debilitating symptoms have reared their ugly head again and now I just feel really sad and tired and quite hopeless really. I have a few challenging things going on in my life that I am trying to deal with but don't we all? I don't feel like I am getting much help from my GP and I am seeing a psychologist but the visits are nearly 2 months apart as she is busy, I feel hopeful on the actual day I see the psychologist but the feeling is gone by that evening so I don't feel I am getting much out of it. It takes a lot of energy and effort to live with anxiety and I just cant seem to muster up any more motivation or hope to fight this battle right now. Feeling very low.

[uncut_gems]

Hi Calmseeker,

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling that way– I know exactly the sensation you are describing. The most important thing to remember is that your efforts were absolutely not in vain. We don't reset to 0 when we feel bad again, and progress isn't a straight line. As they say, the arc of history is long and bend towards justice. The arc of therapy is long and bends towards wellness.

By keeping your GP in the loop, seeing a psychologist, doing online CBT, and doing your best to eat well and exercise you have given yourself a MASSIVE advantage. But it may not pay dividends immediately, which can be frustrating. Do you feel you are able to get as much out of the online CBT (presumably self-guided?) as you are with your psychologist?

I know the feeling you're describing of riding that high after a therapy session only to realize that you have to return to the grind and it will be a while before you can see them again. Fighting anxiety requires a lot of work but not necessarily constant engagement: rest when you need to, do what you can to keep your body healthy, and be kind to yourself. Just because you can't find the motivation now doesn't mean that you've lost, just that you need a breather.

Have you been able to mention your recently returned panic attacks to your GP or psychologist? If they persist, please make sure they are aware of them and they can advise you on the best course of treatment.

Stay strong!

Gems

[Gambit87]

Hi Calmseeker,

I'm sorry you've hit this rough patch.

What Gems said.

Just because you've hit a low point doesn't mean everything you have achieved so far has been for nothing.

When I hit a bit of a low point I try to go back to the back to basics - set small goals, try and get out and about and meditate etc. I try to remember that I need to be kind to myself and just to the best I can.

chin up, stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.

[therising]

Hi calmseeker

I'm not sure if this will be of any help but I hope so.

When I'm content, happy or going with the flow it's because I've managed to raise myself through the last challenge I've faced. Then, suddenly, boom, I can find myself in a super frustrated and sometimes angry low. I end up thinking 'I swear I thought I had it all together this time. What the heck went wrong?'

I came out of my 15 or so year battle with depression about 14 years ago and I've been raising myself ever since, through plenty of challenges which raise my consciousness and confidence. It's always a work in progress by the way. It's only within the last month or so that I've come to realise what's going on when I start to feel like I'm sliding a bit: The current challenge I face has not been mastered yet. I have had many epiphanies over the last decade and a half and would have to say this one is really up there in the way of life changing. I can drive myself nuts occasionally, trying to work out what the current challenge is at any given time. When it eventually hits me, the flow begins again. I suppose you could say it's like gradually acquiring tools in your kit for life. One tool or skill at a time.

I'm wondering whether there's a specific issue challenging you at the moment which is asking for your attention. Perhaps it's an issue which has surfaced in the past on more than one occasion yet you've never come to master it. Don't dismiss the fact that you have been rising to many many challenges in the way of your well being. Please don't discount this. I like to look at things this way: When we raise our self to a new level, there we sit until the next challenge comes along to raise us to the level above that.

It's normal to ask 'What's wrong with me, why can't I work this out?' when we reach a new level. It is through questioning we raise our self, for without questioning there can be no revelations.

Given that the last few months have been pretty good for you until now, it's worth considering the idea that you have managed to raise yourself to a new level that appears to entail a bit of a low.

As long as we're raising our self, we will always be a greater version of our past self. Our new self will not necessarily be free from deeply challenging emotions.

🙂

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Well I want to give you a big hug because you're awesome and I love chatting with you, and I'm sorry you're having a down period. The advice above is very good. I don't have any apart from telling you what I'm working on at the moment and that is 'acceptance'. It's a really hard concept. To just accept what is. And I don't even know how to go about it, so I'm hoping to chat with my psych at my next session (which are too far apart - I agree!) to see if she has any ideas for me. For now it's just trying to tell myself - well this is where I'm at today.

I think with mental health, it's often like a rollercoaster. I find myself surprised by a good day after a bad, or vice versa. Lately I've been singing to myself "and we go uppity up up.. and we go downidy down down... " (those magnificent men in their flying machines). It's really not a linear process. And when we have other things going on it does affect our mental health.

So try go easy on yourself, and stick with those things that make you feel good, if you can, and forgive yourself if you can't. It's a journey xx

[calmseeker]

Hi Gems,

Thank you for this response. I am grateful you pointed out that we don't reset to 0, seeing that written in a sentence is helpful so thank you. After over a decade of panic attacks and anxiety my expectations may have been set too high thinking I was out of the woods. I have to remember its a process.

My psychologist has such a busy practice I only see her every few months, the appointments are too far apart to be of much assistance to me, which is why I am doing the online CBT. My GP, while a nice guy, has not much of an interest in mental health from what I can gather. I really don't think either of these professionals are a good match for me and I find it overwhelming trying to start again with new GP and psych. You asked if I feel I am getting as much from the self guided CBT as I would with a psych and the answer is no. While I am picking up a few interesting tools and tips, its not specific to my issues so face to face CBT would be better.

CS

[calmseeker]

Thank you for the thoughts Gambit. I am trying to remember to go easier on myself, I think I am often really rough on myself and a bit of a perfectionist.

CS

[calmseeker]

Hi therising,

Thank you for your response. You got me thinking about the possibility or old issues resurfacing and the possibility of that triggering anxiety symptoms again. In thinking about it, I am not entirely sure over the last few months I have actually dealt with the anxiety triggers or merely pushed them deep down. I am not sure if the tools I have learn from CBT are tools I am properly using, I will have to discuss that with the psychologist who oversees the course. I have always found it difficult to isolate what I am thinking during panic attacks, this makes it difficult for a psychologist as I am not providing them with a root cause. I do know a couple of big issues that trigger bouts of anxiety and they are moving house and health. Since I have a pending move (again) and am due for a follow up brain MRI this could very well be why the anxiety has resurfaced so intensely.

I think I felt very tired and defeated yesterday. I find it exhausting and lots of hard work fighting against the anxiety. When I am not feeling so depressed it easier, but when its coupled with bouts of depression its much harder to manage as I don't feel like brushing my teeth on those days let alone getting some exercise in to burn off worry. I may as well be being asked to climb Everest when it gets like that.

CS

[smallwolf]

Hi calmseeker - Sorry to read about the issues with your GP and psychologist. One book that my psychologist recommended is called "The happiness trap" which I think is worth looking at. There are also links in this thread...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/best-books-for-anxie...

-look for the post by Sophie_M

Also, and on perfectionism, see

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Perfectionism

which has some ideas in it that I used. I would find that after sessions I felt the need to lookup some things that were said to me to get a greater understanding. With an understanding it became easier to navigate.

Tim

[calmseeker]

Hi Katy,

The hug is what I need xo Thank you for the kind words, I also enjoy chatting with you, I have mentioned to you previously in bumping into you around these forums that I find your advice full of common sense and kindness. I think we have some similarities going on, eg, about the same age, similar diagnosis and mum to adult only child (I think I have that right?)

Funny you mention acceptance. If anything these forums have helped me to accept that the symptoms I have are indeed anxiety related. I joined these forums during a period of intense health anxiety, I could not accept the myriad of nasty symptoms I was dealing with were not a sinister health issue, therefore I couldn't move on with recovery. There is a small part of me that still feels something had been missed medically but for the most part I now accept that the symptoms are anxiety and have learnt how interconnected the mind and body are.

I am going to take your advice and do something that makes me feel good today. That will be shopping, it may be window shopping due to financial issues 🙂 It is going to be a bit challenging as the good old symptom of having difficulty leaving the house has cropped up again but I have conquered it before and I will beat it again today!

CS