i feel like i dont deserve to be depressed

[lost_echo]

my life right now is great, even amazing. i recently got into my dream uni at usyd, i got a new part time job that pays me well, i dont have to worry about exams and studying about the hsc and i have really loving parents but im depressed. more depressed than usual. 

for the past couple months i have been so depressed i feel so unworthy of being so. i know that you dont need a reason to have depression but nonetheless, i still feel like i dont deserve it, particularly in a time where so many people are struggling to get by on basic human needs like a roof over their head, nutritious food and groceries etc. our economy is failing and so many people are harshly affected by it while i get to live comfortably. i know i can feel this way even with a good life but it somewhat makes me feel worse.

the thoughts of dying is so loud, my dissociation is getting worse to the point i have big chunks of memories that i dont remember, i go for walks and dissociate and when i come back to my senses, i dont even know where i am. i feel so tired and drained, i feel like i have no energy to do anything, my sleep is irregular and i just dont have the will to live... but i know its wrong. i need to live. i need to do this but its so hard. im high functioning in the way that i can do everything that i need to do - do house chores, go to work, do volunteering, talk with my friends and family, workout and read everyday, take meds and go to therapy but why do i feel so empty? i dont know what more i can do to help myself from going further downhill. i know that if i keep going this way, im going to take my life but i cant do that. i need to live. i will live but it feels like im being kept on earth against my will and it tiring. its tiring without me mentally realising it until recognise the dull sensation in my body, the ongoing thoughts of death in my head and the lack of sleep im getting.

i love the people around me but i dont know if living for other people and not yourself is right either...

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear about the really hard time you’re having right now. Thank you for your honesty in reaching out, I’m sure that you will get some different perspectives here on the forums.

I just want to say that it’s ok to have these feelings. It’s not your doing and you’re not alone. I understand from experience how incredibly exhausting it is to feel depressed for seemingly no reason, but these feelings are still valid. 

I want to share something that helped me when I struggled with similar thoughts. I started writing down things I’m grateful for every day for a while and it really helped me to think of things that I love and focus on them. It’s not a ‘quick fix’ or anything like that, but over time it really helped me to realise that although life is never going to be free from pain, heartbreak, loneliness, hardship, etc. that I still want to live. It taught me that life is beautiful and rewired my brain to focus on the positives instead of the negatives.

You mentioned your difficulty sleeping and I wanted to share something that has helped me. I try to read when I can’t sleep and most times it gets me sleepy so that I actually do fall asleep. As for having irregular or broken sleep, sometimes I still struggle with it but unfortunately don’t have a solution. Perhaps someone else on here may give some advice.

It sounds like you’re carrying around a lot of heaviness and so I would suggest writing them down and/or talking to someone you trust about them. I know you mentioned therapy and your loving parents but I’m curious if you are getting the support you need. It might be worthwhile to have this conversation with them to maybe check in to see what has worked and what hasn’t so far to progress in your therapy joinery and updating you’r parents on what is going on.

Honestly, one of the best things you can do is continue going to therapy and spending time with your loved ones. It’s these moments that may make things just a little bit lighter for you. These feelings you have will not go on forever. Although sometimes it may feel like they will, I can assure you that things can and will get better. As for the thoughts of death you say you’ve been having, don’t use a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem. If you are having thoughts of suicide, please contact Lifeline by calling them.

There are loads of people who are willing to listen here on the forums so keep reaching out. I hope you get the support you need and do find the will to live. Sending love your way. 

[therising]

Hi lost_echo

I believe one of the toughest challenges in life can involve gaining a full sense of who we are, on a mental, physical and natural level. Not always easy to do but trying to develop a different line of questioning that doesn't involve the question 'What's wrong with me?' can help in making greater sense of who we are and how we tick. I've found the types of questions I ask will determine the types of answers I get.

You could ask 'What's wrong with me?' and the thought 'I don't know. Maybe I'm just broken ' may come to mind. On the other hand, you could ask 'What's this super low energy feeling about?' and what may intuitively come to mind could be 'Can't hurt to go and get blood tests' or 'Start researching what a depressing lack of good quality sleep does to the mind and body'. One question presents a no through road whereas the other encourages a sense of wonder and investigation along a particular path. 'What's wrong with me?' is also a general question. 'What's the low energy about?' is a specific question. I've found, in order to gain an intuitive sense of what could be going on, the questions need to be very specific.

While we can believe we have everything we need in life, what we're believing can be wrong. There can be a lack or deficiency we're just not aware of. Whether the lack or deficiency relates to thyroid function, B12 or iron stores or the kind of chemistry generated through quality sleep, we may not have the chemistry we need (a physical lack or deficiency). Whether the lack or deficiency relates to certain much needed belief systems that need to be downloaded into our brain or certain productive forms of inner dialogue that would make life much easier, we're not always conscious of a mental lack or deficiency. And if we're not entirely conscious of who we naturally are, the lack of acknowledgement can lead to a depressing level of 'I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel so incredibly lost'. Again, we can be thinking or believing we have everything we need, while wondering why we're suffering. Whether it relates to the physical, mental or natural, the lack or deficiency can begin as being so small to the point where we don't feel the side effects. As it develops we begin to feel them. As it develops into something seriously intense, the side effects can become unbearable to the point where we may say 'I just can't go on feeling like this'. I don't believe we're designed to live with an ongoing depressing lack or depressing deficiency. The side effects we're feeling are telling us 'Something needs addressing and something's gotta change'. The question is 'What is that something?'. 

I can't help but wonder whether you're conscious of where you go when you dissociate. I know that may sound strange, kinda like asking 'Are you conscious of what you're not entirely conscious of?'. Going into our memories, into our imagination, into a meditative state or some other altered state means we have come out of 'reality', in order to do that. I think one of the most challenging things about an altered state of consciousness involves figuring out exactly what it's all about (where we go, how we got there, how we come back etc). Until we figure it out or become fully conscious of it, that ability can feel more like a curse that's completely out of our control and that can feel scary at times. Going into altered states on purpose and with strategy, in a fully controlled way, is a whole different story that some people find to be more about a sense of liberation. Btw, something to consider could involve where you're brainwaves are at. Through serious lack of sleep, you could be naturally experiencing a Theta state at times, a state that allows people to experience deep mediation and altered states of consciousness.

[Croix]

Dear Lost_echo~

I'd like to join Psychdiaries2 and TheRising in welcoming you here. As you have said yourself your life is working out, HSC behind you, what you want and uni ahead, a job  and loving parents.

So it does not look anything in your life is  arousing these feelings you want to take your life, it is almost like depression has given you a dose of survivor guilt.  I'm not a doctor so I can't actually sat it is depression, however it sounds much like the times when I have wanted to take my life.

It startes with despairing of all the greed, dishonesty and cruelty in the world and goes down from there. My (diagnosed) depression acts like a lens in my mind and I only see things that are my fault, hopeless things with no way out.  I'm blinded to all the other things in life

OK your life is good, and htere are many in hte world where it is not. Completing studies and talkng up a job that helps these peple is one thing you do not seem to have considered - you are blinded in the same way.

You mentioned you have been the the same psychologist for over three years, yet they have not helped. It sounds like it a time for change. It may be that new medication and new therapy  prescribed by a psychiatrist wiht a fresh perspective could make a world of difference. It works for me and now I'm  different person, productive and full of hope, I deserve to live.

Do you  think you could make the change? You  are a capable person after all as your academic and employment record shows.

I hpe you feel like talking some more

Croix