I feel like a waste of space

[Hermione]

I haven't spoken to anyone about this. I'm not sure where to start. So my college finals are in a month & I can't get myself to study. I've been staying at home for the past 20 days but I hardly study. I either do stuff that lets me ignore my real life like movies, YouTube & music or do nothing (literally I can sit on my bed for 4 hours and stare at the wall). I keep telling myself to go study but that just can't even move and open the book. All of a sudden I breakdown and start sobbing. I start thinking about everything wrong with my life and that can go wrong if i continue to be like this. But I can't motivate myself (may be I'm not trying hard I don't know). I sleep at 3 am and get up at 10 am. I've been lying to my parents that I'm studying all night when I just lay in bed all night doing nothing or crying. In the first year of college I wasted a lot of time and ended up getting through a minimal percentage. Since then I've been like this. I was one of the top students in class till 12th grade. I don't know what happened when I entered college. Now I feel like I'm not as smart as I once was. I used to love studying alone. But nowadays I can't think straight when I' m alone. So I study with my friends sometimes. Only then I can be productive. I feel so guilty that I'm wasting my parents money. Sometimes when I'm driving I wish something would come and hit me so I don't have to deal with this anymore. All of a sudden I get happy and positive out of nowhere and I'll start studying... then 15 min into it negative thoughts set in. And I just leave everything (I don't even bother to close the book) and sit or sleep on my bed and listen to music or browse the internet or sleep or cry. Then I get physically incapable of moving out of my bed, I just stare at the books making mental study plans which I never accomplish (I don't even get close and change the plan the following day). I'm so angry at myself and everyone that I get angry at my parents for no good reason. If they ask me, I say I'm ok. I feel really guilty. I'm the worst daughter ever and don't deserve anything they do for me. They are such nice people. They probably would be better off without me. I'm a disappointment and shame to my parents. I'm a loser. I'm not the kind of person who would physically hurt myself. If I am, may be I probably would have done something of that sort by now. Deep inside I still have hope that 'everything will be ok". I want to be normal and happy 😞   I' m so lost

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[HelenM]

My battery is about to go. So for now

YOU ARE NOT A WASTE OF SPACE.

Helen xx

[HelenM]

Battery still here. You re ill1 not lazy. If you ha constat headaches or flu you couldn t study. If you can tll yor parents I ight1 help. Yo u re a good dughter, you care. Battery def going  xx

[geoff]

dear Hermione, I wish I could welcome you to this site on a much better note, but then that's what this site is for.

I am just so sorry for you to be burdened with this awful illness, that stops those affected in their tracks, and people tend to believe that they are lazy, hopeless and incapable of achieving their goal, but please remember depression makes us think of extraordinary things that are not true, although we believe they are, but this only makes us think of everything that's negative.

You are clearly suffering from depression from what you have described to us, which means that it might be that you could defer for how long it takes you to overcome this illness, and it may mean that you may change your mind in doing the course later on, but we will cope with this in due time.

Your parents seem to be very astute, they know that something is wrong with you, it's nothing that you can hide, so I would talk to them.

This would then overcome your fear that you are wasting their money if you do defer, and I'm sure that they would want you to go and see their/your doctor, because you can't begin to feel any better by yourself.

You have a couple of big decisions to make and I know that they won't come easily, which I'm so sorry for you, so can you open the door just a bit, and please get back to us. Geoff.

[HelenM]

Hi Hermione

I'll try to post a bit more this time. I wonder if going to uni brought your depression on or your depression has made uni and studying so bad. I find myself thinking that right now you need to stop your studies officially in order to take the pressure off. As Geoff says telling your parents would be beneficial. I don't know how your parents are about your studies but I would imagine that if you talk to them they'll be relieved that you've opened up.

The fact that you're hiding the way you feel is really making it a great deal harder.

You don't have to study to be smart. My son dropped out of uni after one year. We were fine about it. He's a postman but spends a lot of his spare time reading and his knowledge of politics and history is excellent. So please don't think you need a certificate to be clever.

You are still very young and just setting out. If you decide that studying isn't for you just now that's okay. You may or may not change your mind later. Like so many of us you feel you should succeed in the way you believe is expected of you. The most important thing any of us can do is be true to ourselves. I'm 54 now and still learning that but I know (I've hit a button on my computer hence the change of style - I don't know how to fix it).  I know the closer I get to being myself the more complete I feel which for me is success.

I hope my post helps a little.

Take care,

Helen x

[geoff]

dear Helen, it's OK what and how you type and send your messages, because it's only trial and error on how to send them, it doesn't concern us, so please don't worry, it's happened so many times with myself.

I know we curse and swear to ourselves, but eventually your comment flies away and reaches BB. L Geoff. x

[Guest_7878]

me too...

i get my happy things a lot more and for longer so sometimes I can do work but then sometimes I cry at the thought of it... I’m only in high school so it’s really easy but a lot of the time it just feels 20 times harder than it really is. since it happens on and off, it’s hard to believe I deserve help or support because all my friends are way worse (abuse, neglect, multiple severe disorders) and im over here being lazy and sad over nothing. i feel like im not worth medication or therapy or any of the money that my parents spend on me... I feel like I’m faking it and there are days when I know “yes this is real” but looking at everyone around me having it so much worse and doing better than me, I just feel like a waste of space... I can never compare to them and I have no excuse, I just want to disappear so that I won’t have to feel guilty for being sad when everyone else has it worse... my whole life is an “at least”. “Well at least you have loving parents”, “at least you don’t get abused”, “at least you don’t have a really severe disorder”... etcetera. i feel like im constantly throwing myself a pity party and I just want someone to tell me that I’m not faking it.

I feel like im invisible when im with my friends and I have to act like I’m okay because they would all kill to have my life... I should just suck it up but every time anyone tells me what they’re going through I feel smaller and smaller and less and less deserving.

i just want to disappear.

[Guest_7878]

you’re not alone. 😔