I feel like a caged and wounded animal

[dazzsyd]

Just needed to post somewhere

Have suffered depression most of my life, but since 2009 its been getting worse and over the last year, so bad that there seems to be no end in sight. I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists and taken medication but nothing seems to have "taken", partly because I have, at least prior to 2011 tried to please the specialists I've been seeing and made out like things were improving, when they were not.

I feel like a caged and wounded animal, I feel like a nothing. I no longer have friends,bar one , who is an ex-partner. My family is part of the problem - my upbringing and more recently my mother have caused my great unhappiness and I cannot get over it - I know I need to forgive and move on, but how? They don't recognise that they ever did anything wrong, they don't see how I can be so hurt by them bending over backwards and doing everything they can to help my sister through her tough times (which is appropriate) but they could never, ever try and do anything to help my through this, in fact going out of their way to make it worse. My family loves me but only because of familial bonds - there is no mutual respect, there is no attempt by them to understand or know me in any way.

Every night I go to bed and pray that I don't wake up. I manage to get through work, come home, and either cry or sit and feel numb. I have nobody to talk to and I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid because my only friend is leaving the country for a month and then I really will have nobody to talk to.

I just want this to stop. I have no life to speak of. I have no joy, nothing to look forward to. If I try and go out, I become overwhelmed and leave usually in tears, because I know I don't belong out there among decent, normal human beings.

I'm sorry for the rambling nature of this post, I cannot think coherently at present and I apologise to those who may have wasted their time reading this.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[JessF]

Hello dazz, I have read your post and don't think I have wasted my time at all so please don't apologise.

I think it is interesting that you criticise yourself so harshly at the end, saying that you're rambling and apologising for telling us how you really feel.  Do you think this is perhaps why you haven't opened up fully to any of the psychs you have seen, because you feel you aren't worth helping and don't want to cause trouble? 

The first stage in changing things from where they are now is doing what you have done by writing here, that is being totally honest about your feelings and everything that is upsetting you, including the relationship with your family. Are you seeing a psychologist at the moment? You sound at a stage where these feelings are severly impacting your daily life.

Your friend that is going away for a month. That must feel like an eternity with the way you are feeling right now, but he/she will be back. Do they know what's happening for you at the moment?

[Neil_1]

Hi Dazz  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing us with your post and like Jess has mentioned already, you haven’t wasted anyone’s time and it was such a strong and important post that you provided.  And may I say, “well done” to you on doing this.  It’s a positive sign that you’ve found Beyond Blue and gone the extra step to post your story here.  

You’ve mentioned that you work (but you do struggle to get through it – I can fully relate to that – I bet you feel the same way each morning that it’s such a monumental effort to get up, get ready and get to work – and you know, nobody but you knows how difficult that was – and for me that also gets me frustrated and I just wanna scream out about how difficult that was and IS – and then to be around ‘people’ all day – it’s nerve racking, and hellishly stressful).  I’m sorry, I’ve digressed a bit there, but maybe you have similar feelings to what I experience for pretty much five days a week.  

You mentioned about your one friend and that was your ex.  Is it your ex who is going overseas for the month?  And yes, as Jess asked, do they know of your current situation?  

It’s very important what you’ve done here by posting and telling your situation, but Dazz, you can’t go through this on your own.  It’s too hard a task and you need further help/support.  You mentioned about psych’s etc that you saw in 2011.  Have you had recent appointments with them?  

I sure hope that you can get back to us.  

Kind regards  

Neil