i dont control my thoughts, my thoughts control me

[sadgirlhours]

i have depression. not very surprising. im pretty much used to it i guess. im used to being in an on and off (mostly on) depressive episode. im so SO tired but oh well, what can i do, right?

a lot of my friends know about this and they always tell me theyre here for me. so i vent to them if i need to. the sad thing is, i think theyre getting sick of me, because theyre giving dry replies, such as "oh damnn" or "idk what to say sorry" or "yikes". and these replies just make me feel 10x worse, so i have decided to isolate myself and be alone with my thoughts.

sometimes it becomes too much and i blurt out things i wasnt planning on saying. last week i suddenly said "when will i ever recover from depression??" out loud to my friend. and she said "you wont because youre not even trying."

that hurt. so much. i am trying so hard to get better. everyday i wake up and go to school. i hold back my tears as much as i can. i try SO SO HARD not to think dark thoughts but its hard. i feel like my brain and i are separate people, and i cant control my thoughts. my thoughts control me. i really REALLY wish people would understand that.

my friend thinks im not trying because i still say depressing things a lot of the time, but i cant help it. i genuinely cannot control my brain. my brain is a bully, and is in charge of all the bad thoughts. i, on the other hand, am trying to block the bad thoughts, but im miserably failing because im not strong enough, my brain is too loud. TOO LOUD.

im trying as hard as i can. im just so tired of trying to be louder than the bad thoughts. the bad thoughts are screaming and i have to scream louder than them. im so tired of having to block the bad thoughts. i am so tired.

im in highschool which doesnt help cuz the schoolwork is hella overwhelming 😕 and that adds to my tiredness. at this point i have given up on school and all my hobbies and idk where i can get my motivation back. (im getting off track lol) anyhoo i just really REALLY wish people would understand one thing:

my brain and i are separate people. my brain generates all the bad thoughts, and even though i am supposed to control the bad thoughts, i am incapable of doing that. so they end up controlling me. i dont like it, and theres honestly nothing i can do. I REALLY AM TRYING PLEASE BELIEVE ME PLEASE DONT CALL ME LAZY BECAUSE IM TRYING IM JUST SO TIRED :((((

please help me

[Sophie_M]

Hey sadgirlhours, thanks for reaching out and sharing your story here with us tonight. It’s not easy to share our thoughts and emotions with others and it is so important that you have done so. You sharing your story here tonight is evidence of your willingness to try and improve your mental health. Although you may still say depressing things, this should not take away from the actions you have taken to get yourself help.
It sounds like your friends are having a difficult time giving you the support you require. Have you considered speaking with your school counsellor? They are there to listen and support you.  
If you feel up to it and would like to talk to someone immediately, Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) is another great resource that offers free phone counselling services 24/7 or you could also contact them via email or webchat through their website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/
We’d ask if you can check back in whenever you feel comfortable. We look forward to hearing from you.
 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi sadgirlhours,

Thanks for your post and Sophie_M has given you some great advice.

In your post, you said that your brain is like a separate person, and you know what? I love that. Not because your brain is a bully but because you are seeing it as something seperate from you. That also means that you are not your thoughts! Which is really really hard to believe sometimes.

It sounds like it's said some pretty terrible things to you and honestly I can relate to that and it's so exhausting trying to fight with your brain all day. I felt really sad when I read that your friend said you weren't trying - because of course you are! Who wouldn't want to not feel this way.

So, there's one idea that you might want to think about to help you with these thoughts - instead of screaming back at them, what would happen if you whispered at them? If you could imagine your brain like a little toddler screaming in the backseat - it wants your attention, and badly!! and in the beginning you disagree and it's fine and then it's a screaming match in the car, and nobody wins! But if you were to let the toddler scream or just whisper back, they'll naturally just quieten. I believe our brains do too.

Have you ever thought about seeing your school counsellor or a counsellor in general? They can also give you lots of ideas about how to cope, especially with getting your hobbies and motivation back. 🙂

RT

[Croix]

Dear Sadgirlhours~

I'd like to join Sophie and RT in welcoming you here. Unlike your freinds here we do understand - pretty much exactly -and also laziness does not come into the picture at all, forget that one. Don't be unreasonably harsh on yourself.

When one is suffering many people do want to talk to others, say how they feel - and if oyu do not meet understanding from others unfortunately it can make you feel isolated and alone. This is waht is happening to you.

In fairness those who have not experienced the same sort of things may well be stuck, and even with the best intentions say things that show there is no real contact. That does not mean lack of friendship - just inexperience. Fright and even frustration on their part can make them say little. Friends normally do want to help, here the just do not know how. Some parents can be the same, lots of love there but still not able to relate.

You have said, perhaps in a slightly different way, that you are feeling the effects of illness. Yes you are quite right. Depression does govern thoughts and feelings. When it has happened to me it has made me exhausted, no motivation, hopeless, with just a few horrible and seemingly un-fixable things in my mind. It stops me seeing the wider world, things I enjoy or the fact I could love and be loved.

It made me angry and lonely when others did not understand or said silly things like 'you are not trying'.

It is so silly to say you are not trying. Trying by yourself does not work anymore than if you had a broken leg. With depression and anxiety I could not 'make' myself better. I kept on trying by myself and that just made things worse.

The reason I'm so much better now and lead a pretty good life is very largely due to medical support -the rest being a caring family.

Getting competent support might seem like a problem but it is not really

Sophie has given you an idea, ring/email /webchat the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) also on https://kidshelpline.com.au. They are professional, experienced and can be a real comfort, plus you can ring them more than once and not have to keep on explaining. They are good at dealing wiht things and helping you get support

There are lots of other ways of course, as RT says a school councilor, perhaps someone in your family -what do you think might be easiest for you?

Your life can be so much better, just like me. I hope you stay with us and talk some more

Croix