I don't understand why my depression returns

[HelenM]

My name is Debs and I'm 54. I'm coming on here in some anxiety. Can people answer my question and more importantly will my situation warrant the support I need, even the 'there, there' answers would help and obviously no reply doesn't. However it is the case that my depression doesn't need the help many people need.

So. 12 years ago I suffered a severe depression that was a living hell. I was gradually recovering when two years later I went into another, not just as bad, due to something happening. From there on I've been suffering from recurrent depression, sometimes with a few months between and once I had a years break.  At the end of January I woke one morning feeling low and there it was back. It is mild and has been getting milder over the years. But it is messing up my life because most of the time everything is an effort. I am no longer able to work (that's been for 6 years now) and so help in a charity shop which is a big help and distracts me quite well. I have a really good husband, good friends. My kids are grown up and I have 2 little grandsons. When I'm well I'm very happy and over the years have adjusted to a more limited lifestyle. But I can never reconcile myself to these episodes of depression. I can never feel confident they will pass and when I ask people how they know I'll get better they say 'because you always do'. The pattern of the depressions changes every so often; in length and anything between solid depression to good week/bad fortnight. Just now it's occasional good day.  

I take medication and can't have it increased. I've been told it's working (which I believe) and that these episodes are part of my chronic depression. By the way it usually comes for no reason. In fact life had been going very well prior to this episode. So, is it chemical. If it is what makes it go right again. If anyone knows I'd love the answer. Whilst I know there aren't any guarantees I respond quite well to logic.  As I've already said I feel uncomfortable. I know this is minor. But right now I'm wishing I could fast forward my life so that it was over and I could go in peace.  

[HelenM]

Hi Onion,

It's interesting that you mention mindfulness as I've just bought a book on that having read that it can help in depression. There's a course starting in August not too far away. In the book I bought it suggests you need to be keeping fairly well before you do a course on this. What do you think?

Thanks for suggesting it. Helen

[Snoman]

Hi HelenM,

After my first episode nearly 20 years ago, I got on to the mindfulness bandwagon. Many years later, I came across a book called Awareness by Anthony de Mello. This book lives on my bedside table and I have read it many times. Each time I get something new.  It is not a book to speed read, but I thoroughly recommend it.

For me, this bit that Paws4thought said resonates with me, especially when living in the moment:

I've always loved life and people have known me as an optimist. I've never understood how anyone cannot be amazed at the beauty of nature, how dappled sunshine or sand at the beach or birds in the trees don't give an immediate smile to everyone. Now tho', on the bad days, I just feel guilty because Ican't feel that joy. 

The Awareness book was given to a colleague, who I think in hindsight may have been suffering depression.  It was given to him by the company's psychologist - a wonderful person with a great understanding of people.

I thought my new mindset made me immune to further episodes of depression, but I have realised that I stopped being "aware".  I stopped being mindful, and I stopped living in the present moment.  I don't know when the darkness got the upper hand, but I have been on meds since December.

To help speed my recovery, I sought out a psychologist who practices ACT as suggested by several of my wife's counsellor friends.  If you are not familiar with ACT, the Happiness Trap could basically be the text book for it.  Reading the book was a bit hard for me at the time, so having my therapist work me through the process was much easier.

In short, I personally (no medical training) think it is appropriate at any time.  It might be a bit heavy if you are not well, but so long as you have good support around you, I think it can be great.

Snoman

[HelenM]

Hi Snoman

Thanks for answering.I think the idea of living in the moment is probably a necessary part of my recovery. This recovery has been going on for more than a decade but then I think you're in recovery for the rest of your life.

My recovery 'work' seems to come in phases. It changes as I learn

Just now I'm rushing and so I don't feel I am writing a proper reply. But this mindfulness does interest me a great deal.

Speak to you again

Helen