I don't know who I am.

[Tess1994]

I don't even know where to start. I have always been a very anxious person. I used to have regular panic attacks before starting grade 12. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve that it felt as though there was this constant weight on my chest. I was diagnosed with psoriasis in grade 12. A condition that leaves my body covered in itchy spots. Being a 17 year old girl living in a   society based on beauty it was difficult for me to cope with this condition. I was constantly be teased by work colleges and boys claiming that I have 'herpes all over my body'. Although I am lucky because my outbursts of psoriasis only come every couple of years, they do however last for months. During this period at the end of high school was the worst of my outbursts. It was all over my body, my face, my hair, arms, legs. Everywhere. I stopped socialising with people. I didn't leave my bed all day and I didn't exercise. My friends stopped trying to make me go places with them. I gained weight and this just added to the upset at my appearance. My years of thriving with the opposite sex and being an out-spoken confident girl had stopped. I was so unhappy with my body that I refused to go to parties with friends and consequently lost these friends. 

I felt so alone. The pressure of a hard degree at uni and the pressure of pleasing my family is constantly weighing me down. I feel like i can't escape from this. Sometimes I just sit at home and cry for hours. As well as this body and academic pressure I have come to question my sexuality. I have this plan for life - good job, husband and kids. That has always been my plan but recently I have come to think that this will not happen for me. I can't talk to my friends about this because I have always pretended to be happy in front of them. None of them know how much I really hate myself. The only person I can talk to is my mum and I hate weighing her down with my problems when she already has her own. 

I am not pleased with my life and I am always questioning myself as a person. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I have no defining talents. I looked at the symptoms of depression and I think I am struggling with it. I don't know what to do? Who do i talk to? Am i even depressed? 

[amamas]

Hey Tess

Thanks for sharing!  Very courageous of you!

It sounds as though you're really struggling and could do with some professional support.  If you haven't tried them already the online support team or phone-line with beyondblue are brilliant!  They'll help you out and find contact details for the support most appropriate for you.

Thinking of you and sending you big hugs!!

Cheers Amamas

[Neil_1]

Hi Tess

I would like to say good on you for coming onto this site and outlining what has been happening with you and a little about your past as well.  It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be able to do that and that speaks volumes for you as a person – having the strength, the inner strength and determination to do that and to be asking for advice and help.

You say you’ve got no defining talents, but I can tell immediately that you are very articulate in how you come across … your words expressed and just generally how you write is something you should be proud of.  Believe it or not, but there are stacks of people who struggle to spell or even put sentences together.  Also the fact that you are in Uni and taking on a hard degree also shows that you are intelligent, hard working and some one who wants to reach to the levels that you believe you can.  That is a tremendous attitude that you have.

While it is good to have a mum who you can talk too, I’m heaps pleased that you’ve asked for further assistance and while we here can advise, I think the ultimate thing you can do is to get along to your GP and unload to them.  If you feel ok with it, for a 2nd visit you might want to say, take your mum along with you, if that would work?

Also with regard to your friends … is there ONE of them who you feel you could possibly talk too?  One that you think you’d feel comfortable in telling them of your story?  That would be a big effort to be able to do, but if you felt you could, it could end up being beneficial to you, as they could possibly be there to help and support you as well?

These are just some things that I thought might be useful … and I hope that there will be others who will chip in with some quality advice as well.

Cheers

Neil