I don't know what to do?

[Venice]

Hi,

Lately i have been feeling lost and lonely and I don't know what to do about it. I got out of an abusive relationship earlier this year, and I am studying full time university. the last year and a half I have failed my units in University. I am now in a better relationship and my scores are getting better, however we are thinking of moving to a city where there are more options for me. I'm scared to do it, my family are already 8 hours away, if we move it will be 20 hours. I know flights are cheap but it is also a financial burden on my family. I have been feeling so lonely without my mother around and although it is something I want to do, I am so scared. I feel like I have already failed so much with my past relationship and my university. My university is not supporting me, and due to my poor grades, are threatening  to expel me if I don't get 50% this trimester. I don't know what to do. 

[james1]

Hello Venice,

I'm glad to hear you were able to get out of the abusive relationship and are in a better one now, but I'm really sad to hear how lost and lonely you feel. It sounds like there have been quite a few changes recently, and moving to another city further away from mum is probably the last thing you want right now.

Have you spoken to your mum about how scared you feel, and what her thoughts generally are? I've often felt quite anxious and scared about doing things that I knew were 'right', but which would leave me more alone. I moved out at a time when I was at my most isolated, and I also stopped dating even though it was probably the most social interaction I got. But I found it was actually a bit easier once I'd spoken to the people I knew I could count on, because even though I knew I wouldn't be seeing them all that much anyway, that they'd have my back if I needed any help. I guess for me, just knowing that people cared was enough to help me feel a bit less lonely and a bit more safe.

James

[Sophie_M]

Hi Venice,

Thank you for posting to the forums tonight, and welcome to the family! We see you've already made your presence known by being supportive to someone else already, and we can already see what a beautiful heart you have.

We're so glad to hear that you left an abusive relationship and have moved on to a better one - you deserve to be treated well - kindly and with respect. We think you should be incredibly proud of yourself -  you've not only managed to move on to a healthier relationship, you've also been navigating attending a full time uni course.. That's impressive - especially as you're slowly piecing your life back together, this is evident as we see reflected by you starting to receive slightly better grades already.

One of the biggest things we forget to do often is practice self compassion. Self compassion is so important. You're just as important as the next person, and we'd bet that you would never speak to someone else the way you speak to yourself, and about yourself (inside your head). Please be kind to yourself and recognise that you are slowly recovering and getting back to yourself again.

Please consider the advice you would give to someone very special to you that you loved very much in a similar situation, and then try to apply it to yourself.

We can't wait to hear what you decide to do.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M


 

[geoff]

Hello Venice, if uni are putting too much pressure on you, then this may be going to put you off, have you thought about deferring for a short time and wait until this relationship develops even stronger.

Your mum will still love you no matter how far you are away  and even 8 hours compared to 20 may still require a flight and you can still show your affection by talking with her any second of the day by using a social network program that's free to use.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Puglett]

Hi Venice,

I am so happy to hear that you were able to get out of that abusive relationship. I imagine that might have taken some courage.

It sounds like your main concerns are being lonely without family close by and your uni grades. I can't give any specific advice, but I might include a few things below to consider/think about.

Loneliness - It's really important that you feel connected. For the past 7 years I have lived a distance away from my family. I have found it helpful to 'have them around' while I am doing my daily activities. For example, washing my dishes with the phone on loud speaker, chatting to them here and there but with no pressure for a full on conversation. Sometimes I would have them on the phone for 5 hours while doing my daily tasks! I think it could be helpful to think about what you do in person with your family that you could replicate via distance?

Uni - I always found uni really stressful. You mention your grades have improved. My main questions would be what specifically has helped you get better grades, and are these helpful factors going to be present in the future? For example, if getting out of the relationship helped, that is something helpful that will be present in the future. On the other hand, would anxiety about the move effect your ability to study? From there you ma be able to decide if you are in a good place to continue uni.

Take care x