I Don't Know What I'm Doing

[Chicken_Wings]

I've been dealing with depression & anxiety since 2000. This isn't new to me.

But every time I get into a real bout, I find myself floundering. Right now, I wake up every morning at about 5am with a huge weight on my chest. I know what it is and I know why it's there and it's not welcome. I try to do breathing exercises & relax so I can get that extra 2 hours before my alarm goes off. But most of the time my efforts are fruitless and I just toss and turn feeling horrible. I can only seem eat at dinner time which to me is a marker of my mood.

I've been going to work, but I haven't been able to bring myself to put on any makeup or even brush my hair. I just throw on some clothes and put my hair in a bun.I get there and I just feel miserable. I try to engage with people, but even whilst I'm talking to them I have these thoughts & feelings nagging away at me. I can barely do my work. I'm slower and less creative, which is bad because my job requires me to be creative.

This all stems from fear. I'm pretty much afraid of everything. I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of new places. For a while I was afraid of food, I'm afraid I will fall apart when my dog dies. I'm afraid of getting sick, I'm afraid of other people getting sick, I'm afraid of losing people and not being in control and most of all I'm afraid of death. 

My mother lives in the UK has cancer and I know she will not recover from it. I don't know how long she has, but I am absolutely petrified of losing her & I think that is the catalyst for this current recurrence of my anxiety & depression. I'm terrified of flying, but I know if I want to see her, I have to. But feeling the way I do is making it even harder. She has been my rock my entire life & the thought of a world without her in it leaves me feeling absolutely hopeless.

Today is the first day I just haven't been able to go to work. I woke up this morning and just couldn't face it. I actually thought I had a pretty good day yesterday & even felt hungry, until I got home & burst into tears for no real reason & started talking about death.

My partner is so understanding. He has depression also so knows this will pass, & so do I, I know this isn't forever. But right now, as I sit here, I have those same thoughts I have every time this happens "what if it doesn't go away this time?".

I don't know if I'm meant to ride this out, push it until it goes away, acknowledge it and work through it. I feel like I've done all these things before & it keep coming back.


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[Chicken_Wings]

I don't really know how to describe how I've been feeling the last couple of days. 
I don't know if anyone will read this but I thought I'd try and write it down to see what comes out.

I've stopped crying all the time, this is a good thing. I've been able to get myself out of the house.
But I'm still having trouble with self care. I haven't worn makeup for weeks and I only brushed my hair for the third time in 3 weeks last night.

I keep catching myself having a nice time, or enjoying something & it's like I realise that I was sad & somehow I punish myself for feeling well? I don't even know how to explain it.

I'm able to talk about my mum being ill and I can actually get the words out. But I think it's still the thing that has me the most ill at ease. 

I am now able to eat small meals and feel less fatigued because of it. I'm feeling slightly less dumb (my spelling is improving) which I assume its to do with me actually fuelling my body.

Under it all though, I still feel uneasy. I still get teary if I think about certain things and I can't seem to switch my brain off. Even when I'm watching tv or trying to work I'm still really conscious of my mental health.

[Bluey_moon]

Chicken wings, 

you have nearly echoed they way I feel exactly, so I can really see your perspective! 

This is my advice to you honey, take it one day at a time, celebrate the little (but big) acheivments you have made. It is a process and it will all happen in time. Keep doing what you are doing, it sounds like it is working! There is no instant fix BUT you are stronger than you know. You are kind, caring and have a lot to offer the world! 

Take care, we are all here with you on your journey, you aren't alone xo

[Chicken_Wings]

Sounds like you are starting to feel better then Skye! This is great news!!

I had a little cry when I walked in the door last night. I was disappointed with myself for a little while because I'd been doing so well. But my wonderful boyfriend was wonderful again and looked after me by teaching me math!

I'm going to try and occupy my brain as much as possible today so that I don't get caught up in the thoughts that upset me. 

I hope you have another successful day Skye.