I Don't Know What I'm Doing

[Chicken_Wings]

I've been dealing with depression & anxiety since 2000. This isn't new to me.

But every time I get into a real bout, I find myself floundering. Right now, I wake up every morning at about 5am with a huge weight on my chest. I know what it is and I know why it's there and it's not welcome. I try to do breathing exercises & relax so I can get that extra 2 hours before my alarm goes off. But most of the time my efforts are fruitless and I just toss and turn feeling horrible. I can only seem eat at dinner time which to me is a marker of my mood.

I've been going to work, but I haven't been able to bring myself to put on any makeup or even brush my hair. I just throw on some clothes and put my hair in a bun.I get there and I just feel miserable. I try to engage with people, but even whilst I'm talking to them I have these thoughts & feelings nagging away at me. I can barely do my work. I'm slower and less creative, which is bad because my job requires me to be creative.

This all stems from fear. I'm pretty much afraid of everything. I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of new places. For a while I was afraid of food, I'm afraid I will fall apart when my dog dies. I'm afraid of getting sick, I'm afraid of other people getting sick, I'm afraid of losing people and not being in control and most of all I'm afraid of death. 

My mother lives in the UK has cancer and I know she will not recover from it. I don't know how long she has, but I am absolutely petrified of losing her & I think that is the catalyst for this current recurrence of my anxiety & depression. I'm terrified of flying, but I know if I want to see her, I have to. But feeling the way I do is making it even harder. She has been my rock my entire life & the thought of a world without her in it leaves me feeling absolutely hopeless.

Today is the first day I just haven't been able to go to work. I woke up this morning and just couldn't face it. I actually thought I had a pretty good day yesterday & even felt hungry, until I got home & burst into tears for no real reason & started talking about death.

My partner is so understanding. He has depression also so knows this will pass, & so do I, I know this isn't forever. But right now, as I sit here, I have those same thoughts I have every time this happens "what if it doesn't go away this time?".

I don't know if I'm meant to ride this out, push it until it goes away, acknowledge it and work through it. I feel like I've done all these things before & it keep coming back.


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[Chicken_Wings]

thanks Kazzl.
Those are all great points. I tend to throw on some mindless tv when i get home just to give myself a distraction. Why isn't there just a channel that plays Friends 24/7?!

I'm really wrestling with myself right now.

[Bluey_moon]

Baby steps Chicken wings, 

you did great today! 

You've had a setback tonight but that's ok, cause it all takes time and persistence. Try if you can to focus on the good stuff that happened! 

Is there an activity you can do to take your mind off everything? 

Hang in there, you've got this! 

Skye

[persistence]

Good on you..mindless TV is the best!! I have bought the box sets of "Seinfeld" and "Miranda" and always have them on hand for the sad times when I need a pick me up.

And as for crying..think of it as cleansing your soul the same as you would shower your body.You can't cry forever so just let it out.

feeling your pain..you're not alone xxx

[Chicken_Wings]

I've fallen over a bit.

I was woken at 3am this morning by my dog and then couldn't get back to sleep. I'm just thinking and worrying and laying in bed trying to ignore it. Before I knew it my alarm went off to go back to work.

I was a weird mixture of tired and scared. My partner said to message my boss and ask to come in late and try and get some more sleep. So I reluctantly took something to calm myself down and then lay on the couch and fell into a really deep sleep.

It was glorious. I would rouse ever so slightly, just enough to make me realise I was sleeping well and then go back to sleep. It was such a nice feeling.

But now I've woken up. The same worries are back in my head and I feel like a fool. I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm losing. I tried to eat something, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel sick, I just felt like I couldn't do it.

I don't know what to do right now.
I don't feel like crying, I'm not even particularly anxious. I'm just nothing, but with bad thoughts.

[Bluey_moon]

Oh chicken wings, I'm so sorry you've hit a rough patch! How are you doing now??? 

Please don't feel like you are losing, you aren't, it's just a little glitch is all. And I know that is easier said than done, because I had a setback this morning too. 

i know how much bad thoughts can knock you around! Do you want to share them, will that help? 

What did you learn in CBT, anything that can help? 

Tiredness is one of my massive triggers! 

Dont beat yourself up too much, be kind to yourself! 

Youve got this! 

Skye

[Ellie05]

Hi Chicken Wings,

It sounds like you're going through a pretty scary time. My mum is my rock too.

Have you tried drinking smoothies or something like Up & Go? It will give your body some much needed energy whilst you're unable to eat. 

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Ellie,

I've been able to drink milk so I should try some Up & Go. Thanks for the suggestion!
I managed some steamed veggies tonight.

[Bluey_moon]

Hope you day is going ok chicken wings! 

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Skye, thank you!

I'm at work and I feel like a human. I'm having complex work related conversations and I'm actually doing it!
I've brought an apple with me that I'm chipping away at over the day.

Last night, before bed I did a 10 minute session on the Headspace app and then did another 10 minutes when I woke up this morning. Might be something for you to try?

[Bluey_moon]

Thanks Chicken wings, 

i have down loaded the app, so I will try it tonight. 

im super glad you've had a good day!