I Don't Know What I'm Doing

[Chicken_Wings]

I've been dealing with depression & anxiety since 2000. This isn't new to me.

But every time I get into a real bout, I find myself floundering. Right now, I wake up every morning at about 5am with a huge weight on my chest. I know what it is and I know why it's there and it's not welcome. I try to do breathing exercises & relax so I can get that extra 2 hours before my alarm goes off. But most of the time my efforts are fruitless and I just toss and turn feeling horrible. I can only seem eat at dinner time which to me is a marker of my mood.

I've been going to work, but I haven't been able to bring myself to put on any makeup or even brush my hair. I just throw on some clothes and put my hair in a bun.I get there and I just feel miserable. I try to engage with people, but even whilst I'm talking to them I have these thoughts & feelings nagging away at me. I can barely do my work. I'm slower and less creative, which is bad because my job requires me to be creative.

This all stems from fear. I'm pretty much afraid of everything. I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of new places. For a while I was afraid of food, I'm afraid I will fall apart when my dog dies. I'm afraid of getting sick, I'm afraid of other people getting sick, I'm afraid of losing people and not being in control and most of all I'm afraid of death. 

My mother lives in the UK has cancer and I know she will not recover from it. I don't know how long she has, but I am absolutely petrified of losing her & I think that is the catalyst for this current recurrence of my anxiety & depression. I'm terrified of flying, but I know if I want to see her, I have to. But feeling the way I do is making it even harder. She has been my rock my entire life & the thought of a world without her in it leaves me feeling absolutely hopeless.

Today is the first day I just haven't been able to go to work. I woke up this morning and just couldn't face it. I actually thought I had a pretty good day yesterday & even felt hungry, until I got home & burst into tears for no real reason & started talking about death.

My partner is so understanding. He has depression also so knows this will pass, & so do I, I know this isn't forever. But right now, as I sit here, I have those same thoughts I have every time this happens "what if it doesn't go away this time?".

I don't know if I'm meant to ride this out, push it until it goes away, acknowledge it and work through it. I feel like I've done all these things before & it keep coming back.


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[Chicken_Wings]

thank you Skye,

She is an incredible woman and I'm lucky to have her. I am basically a clone of my mum so I know that even when she is gone, when I laugh, I will hear her and when I look in the mirror or even in my own handwriting (which I copied from her!) she will be there too.

Don't worry about upsetting me, these are thoughts I'm having already, it's just nice to know someone is listening.

[Bluey_moon]

I'm pretty good a listening, so anytime you want to chat on here! 

You indeed sound very blessed to be like your mum! 

[Chicken_Wings]

So a little update.

I got a message from my boss this morning saying to stay home if I need to. Which in one way was good, but in another way was bad cause I just gave in to wanting to stay home & went back to sleep for a couple of hours.

I got up and actually had a shower, but I still have this disconnected feeling. I still have intrusive thoughts and I still don't feel like eating. My partner suggested I do some sweeping just to keep myself occupied for a bit. But after that, I just sat on the couch and dozed again. But I'm not even that tired any more so my dozing just turned into laying down with my eyes closed thinking all my thoughts.

Now I'm up again. I feel a bit dizzy, I think that is from not really eating for about a week. My vision is feeling a bit funny, but again, I haven't eaten and I've been spending most of my time with my eyes closed.

But now I'm thinking about all the things that could be medically wrong with me.

I just want to be able to eat.

[Bluey_moon]

Oh Chicken wings, 

You've had a rough time haven't you! 

Do you think going back to work will help, keep you occupied and all? 

What are your favourite foods, something you really, really like? That could tempt you? Do you like cooking shows, they often tempt me to it! Seriously though, you need to try and eat, you need to be healthy to deal with everything! You could even give some protein shakes a go? 

Please don't go down the path about worrying about what you might have, and for the love of it, don't google, it's not a path to go down, I've done it, I know! You sound like you already know what's causing these issues! 

Are you seeing someone? A gp, councillor or something? Might it help to give that a go? 

My thoughts are with you! 

[Bluey_moon]

Try not to stress so much about what could be wrong with you and please, please don't google, I know from experience that is not a path you want to go down. And deep down I think you know, like you said that lack of food and laying down to much could very well be what is causing you to feel that way. 

Congrats to you for getting up to have a shower and sweeping. Be kind to yourself, they are little steps and you can work your way up to bigger things. 

The intrusive thoughts are not fun are they. I only started suffering them this year and they are fair awful but you got this remember that. And at the end of the day, they are just that, thoughts, they don't deserve the attention we pay to them. 

i really hope you are able to eat something today, even some thing little! Ps: I'm craving vanilla lattes and mud cake! 

I hope today is a good day! 

Skye

[Chicken_Wings]

Well I resisted Dr Google.

I have a GP and I'm on my meds. I'm sticking to the plan, I'm just having a hiccup. That's what I'm calling it. I've been to a psych before and did the whole Mental Health Plan thing and it was great. I'm using the tools I learnt then at the moment. 

Last night, I brushed my hair. That was an effort, when you haven't brushed your hair for over a week and it's been washed and put straight back in a bun!

No food yet today, but I had some success last night so I'm just going to assume I will eat a little again tonight. 

You guys are great.

[persistence]

I totally get where your coming from. I've been on medication for over 2 years and I still get times (more often than not) when my mind starts racing and I can't look forward to the next hour,let alone the next day.

im actually having one of those weeks this week.However people like you and I cannot let this get the better of us!!..we have come too far to get to where we are at the moment...SURVIVING!!

rest assure that it will pass.if your sleeping too much don't feel guilty just go with it,perhaps your body needs to sleep.

think of things that make u happy and just do them..anything at all..at least it's a start.

i wish u all the best and remember ur not alone..we are all here to listen.

PS..I always find that meditation or watching a Disney movie helps me sometimes.

xxxx

[Kazzl]

Hi, I'm new to posting here so I hope I'm not intruding. Chicken Wings (great name btw) I just wanted to send you a hug and strength. I agree with Persistance about sleeping. I know some people (my doctor included) say you should try to stay active and not sleep too much, but for me sleep is healing. It's really the only thing that works when I need to block everything out or stop my mind racing. (Non-practicing alcoholic, so booze isn't an option). I'm lucky in that sleeping is one thing I'm very good at! 

Be kind to yourself, try to accept that you need time and take it, and in time it will pass. It WILL pass. Very best wishes to you.

[Chicken_Wings]

thanks Persistence and Kazzl,

I was just sitting her ruminating a little and letting some of those thoughts creep back and getting a little anxious to be honest.

I think I did pretty good today but I walked in the front door and it took about 2 minutes for me to cry. I'm having the same worries again tonight with a few new ones for good measure including worry about what the inside of my own mouth tastes like! who worries about that!

[Kazzl]

Well, I worry about that too! But then, I'm a smoker, so it doesn't taste good in there. 

I think the thing to try and focus on is what you said first - you did pretty good today. Well done. Maybe think about what went well, when did you feel you did good? Remember how that felt. 

Cry if you need too though. I find crying is a release sometimes, even though it's exhausting.     

 Does distraction work for you? A book, a movie, crossword? It does for me sometimes, to break the cycle of thoughts. 

It's getting late, so maybe a sleep will help. I hope so Chicken. Hugs to you.