I don't know my place

[Jordon23]

I have always had trouble with relationships and friendships.

I didn't have many friends in school and was bullied crap-loads because of my interests and was isolated and rejected by pretty much all of my friend groups throughout my life and as such, I have suffered from severe loneliness and depression for my entire teenage life and still do to this day. Now my environment has changed a lot and many people around me have grown up and matured and are now I am surrounded by people who like me and want to be with me but the feeling of loneliness and sadness still persists as I don't know how to operate in this environment now. No matter how much I try to convince myself things are better and I can trust people and I don't have to protect myself anymore, I can never truly trust people.

It doesn't matter how engaged I am with people, I still feel so alone and alienated. This has been the most socially interactive year of my life yet I feel more alone and angry at myself than ever. I'm angry at myself for not moving on and just enjoying life when all I have to do is stop thinking but I can't. For some reason, I cannot move on despite how much I want to and I hate myself for that.

Because what I know and how I feel contradict how reality actually is, everything just ultimately feels fake and pointless. I can't bring myself to fully accept any positive affirmation, encouragement, or deed from anyone because deep down I feel like I don't deserve it. I have a very low opinion of myself and I know I have no reason to say things like that about myself but It's truly what I believe. I feel like I'm just drifting and I'm the 3rd wheel everywhere I go regardless of the point that I know that people value me and I just feel so alone and miserable most of the time.

I'm not suicidal in any way because I know how bad it would affect those around me if I were to go away, but I'm just stuck in this purgatory of self-hatred and loneliness and I have faith it will get better as I was a lot worse many years ago and it was gotten easier but it hasn't gotten easy in the slightest and in some ways, it's gotten harder with growing up and becoming an adult as I now have to carry a lot more weight on my shoulders and I'm just not sure what to do.

[smallwolf]

Hi there and welcome to beyond blue forums.

Firstly, to commend you for writing part of your story here on the forums takes courage and strength, to be vulnerable and let others get a glimpse into your life and your experiences.

Have you ever talked about this with anyone before?

Parts of your story resonated with me. In my case it was things said to me by teachers, family etc that made me feel that I am not good enough. I have been seeing a psychologist about this and more. There is also that sense of not belonging. Not fitting in.

And then as you tell your story y you can work out that you are ok, but it is still hard to believe as the inner dialogue makes you believe those negative thoughts you tell yourself.

Just thoughts.

But so easy to treat as fact. Perhaps you will come back and tell more of your story and with my responses and those of others here you may start to believe you are good enough. And maybe that may take talking with someone professionally? That's ok also. Please know we are listening to you.

Tim

[Croix]

Dear Jordon23~

Welcome to the Forum, a good move.

I'm not surprised either that you feel out of place in social situation, you lack trust and have a low opinion of yourself -after all you have been trained that way while at school.

Being bullied is a terrible thing. Sadly young people have a strong tribal instinct and will go with the group, and what better way to lead and hold a group together than to pick on, disparage, bully, insult and abuse someone outside the group.

There does not have to be any reason for it, the unlucky person is more or less selected at random or for some trivial reason and things invented to make them a target. There often realy is no defense, going to adults may help at the time, then again maybe not. You end up isolated, powerless and very unhappy. Even knowing where to go during breaks can be a problem.

It is cruel and immature behaviour and reflects badly on the members of the group, not you. Unfortunately the person picked on for some reason cannot see themselves as they truly are but seem to feel they are ostracized and badly treated for a reason to do with their own shortcomings, and that feeling -no matter how wrong -is learned.

So now all of that needs unlearning, so you can see the world as it is, wiht good trustworthy people as well as the bad. That you are an interesting person with your own strengths, and that the future can be brighter.

Trying to do this yourself is a pretty big ask. I have an anxiety condition with PTSD and found I was unable to make myself improve, quite the reverse, wihtout competent medical support, I had meds and therapy (still do) I went further downhill.

Now, together with that and the support of those around me I'm a different person, can accept a compliment as genuine, do trust (mostly) and lead a happy life where I do not feel out of place.

If you have not done so already can I suggest you seek medical help, a GP, then a psychologist or psychiatrist (like me) and work to learn your thoughts have been channeled too far by those experiences and develop new regard for yourself and your circumstances.

May I ask if you have someone to share the load with you, a family member or friend to talk frankly with, not to fix things, but simply to receive care? It is harder if you have to go it alone.

I hope you do come back and talk more about your situation and what is possible to do

Croix