I don't know if I'm alone here but...

[Anonymous1337]

As I sit here at my laptop I ponder where to start and if this is just a cry out for attention, I'm just a bit lost.

Hello my name is David, I am a gay male, I work as a mechanic/technician and have been for now, just over 10 years. Due to the toxic and hostile nature of the industry and trades it made it hard to be open about myself, I made the mistake of never coming out, being true to myself and open with everyone.

As time went on, I could tell, even though there are nice people I work with, I had to "play" along (playing "straight"), come up with excuses or fake stories if there was any questions I had to be quick thinking. This has not put me in a great position as I've formed some friendships at work over the years and no one really knows.

Sad thing is, I need to get out of the trade, at least out of this job. The stress and anxiety I experience actually makes me sick in the morning and i go into a blank frozen zone in my mind and just shake/panic attack, luckily I'm on meds that help with that.

This is already pretty full on, add to that I've been suffering depression since probably early 2010's, ups and downs and the downs have been gradually getting worse.

I have a partner which I proposed to in Japan last year when we were on holiday with friends, that was a special time of my life (I really wanna go back to Japan too haha). 

Add more to the mix of my messed up mind, I have issues a bit with his weight only because it turned me off during you know what time. And it really annoys me and makes me sad when i realise this. It's something I can't help, like a natural impulse thing it's hard to describe. He's working out, swimming, going for walks, getting a better job and I couldn't be any more proud of him and I love him so much.

Sadly we haven't made love in probably years, I'm not kidding. It actually hurts me that my mind just doesn't feel like it (anyone had this?) 

I feel like I'm hurting him like I don't love him but it's not true..

I have fear of getting older tied up with being a failure and also a strong fear of change, finding a better job and new people etc. I also haven't had good luck with any psychologist in the past, could be I just haven't got the one that "clicks" with me but even to my own mind I feel extremely complicated and it's stupid and actually pisses me off.

Sometimes I really want to escape it all, like spiderman no way home, have nearly everyone forget i ever existed and start again.

[therising]

Hi David

I was saying to my 18yo son the other day 'It occurred to me that I am so far from my true self to the point where it's depressing and this is why I can feel myself as being somewhat depressed'. I should reassure that I encourage my kids to openly talk about feelings, questions, thoughts, revelations, mental health and more. So, such a conversation is not an uncomfortable one, simply an open minded and matter of fact one. I went on to say to him 'This is not entirely who I naturally am. I really need to get to work on myself before I head further down'. The 'further down' part relates to...

In life, I believe we can be on a high or we can be grounded or fluctuating between the 2. Below grounded or below ground is a depression. It's kind of like a well that goes deep, all the way down to rock bottom. There are different levels or different depths to the depression. Sometimes we don't realise we're on the brink and sometimes we don't even notice we've actually gone in but at some point, on the way down, we can feel our self in there. I'd say I'm around a quarter way in, so not too deep but deep enough to know I'm in there. I think, because I've been high in life (thriving on natural energy, not drugs) and happily grounded at times and because I've been all the way down at rock bottom in a depression, I like to believe I've become good at gauging where I'm at.

I think that meeting with who we naturally are is what raises us out of that place. Even when there are purely physical reasons for being in that depression, to be able to say 'I am someone who will not manage life without really good medical detectives (GPs or specialists) who can detect what depressing culprit's at play', 'I am someone who will not manage life without the right kinds of energy, chemical or otherwise', this defines us. Our 'I am' defines us as who we won't be and who we will be. Mentally and soulfully, it works the same way. 'I am not someone who stays in this mentally exhausting depressing job', 'I am not someone who settles for this soul destroying relationship'. If we believe we are that person who stays or that person who settles, believing in the opposite of who we naturally are becomes or remains depressing. This person in my life who exists is not me. I am not unfit, I am not unadventurous, I am not visionless and I am not all these other things that I've come to be. So, again, time to get to work. David, who are you not?