I don't know how I feel

[yours_truly]

Hey guys,

So basically I used to be depressed I guess, or maybe I still am i don't really know. I used to be going through a hard time and these days I don't feel as depressed as I was. I don't know what changed, but i'm not happy either. Like it kind of just washed over, i never actually dealt with it. I'm still feeling crappy and like I can almost feel my brain chemistry still muddled up, but I just feel more normal. Is this concerning or does it just imply that I had gotten used to ignoring all of my depression and just sort of put it aside?

[yours_truly]

Hey therising,

It's insane to think that one moment we are so numb, so tired, so immune to the feelings we suppress, only for them to stab us in the back when we need them least. I think rage is the most common one. I still recall a couple years back when I felt like a zombie, just victim to the repetition of my exhausting life. I thought I could no longer feel, only to lash out in the last minute because the build up was so intense. 

It's the little things that contribute the most. Like accidently spilling a little bit of your coffee on your shirt, making too many typos in a row, or even just someone chewing too loud. All of these things have the potential to tip off the boiling and surging disaster lying underneath. Like a single crack on thin ice leading to the whole cover shattering into pieces. We underestimate the importance of management, of understanding and allowing ourselves to process. 

A clog in a network of pipelines means the whole thing could fall a part. Just like the pipelines, we need to troubleshoot and cleanse. Free ourselves from what hold us back from thinking about how to come back to life. 

[therising]

Hi yours_truly

Hard to know where the rage comes from at times. Is it the victim in us, with some ranting profession, 'It's not fair. It doesn't matter what I do, nothing seems to work out. I'm sick of it!!!'. Could it be our intolerant sense of self, having some sort of meltdown, 'I'm absolutely fed up. I just can't tolerate one more thing. I'm sick of it!!!'. Perhaps some deeply caring part that proclaims 'I don't care anymore. I refuse to care. It's just too hard and too exhausting. I'm sick of it!!!'. Could simply be the stresser in us, 'I've had enough, this is too overwhelming. I can't breathe. I'm sick of it!!!'. No matter what part's in play, it's the same conclusion, 'I'm sick of it'. Wasn't 'til a few years ago where I had the revelation 'If I throw a 'because' in there, it reads 'I'm sick because of it', whatever it is''. It's an interesting declaration, 'I'm sick of it', which always points to the reasons for such a sense of dis-ease. 'I'm sick because of no sense of victory, because of no sense of relief, because of no sense of a carefree life, because of no sense of peace'. Such things can impact us at a mental level, a physical level and even a soulful level.

I have to thank you, with all my heart. You speaking of pipelines and blockages has led me to remember something I had long forgotten about...the importance of unblocking channels while developing the ability to identify what the blockages are about. How can we hope to channel the adventurer in us if that channel is blocked? How can we hope to channel our fun loving self or our soulful sense of self or our hyperactive self or the visionary/seer in us etc if the channels are blocked? Now, the questions become seemingly never ending when it comes the blockages as well as what's creating a general lack of flow that can be felt in depressing ways? For example, can I not feel the flow through the channel between myself and the seer in me because that part of me needs solid goals in order to see? Is there no flow, no connection because of no goals? Are the blockages about all the depressing things I focus on from the past, through an imagination that relies on me seeing constructive things in the future (whether that future is 5 seconds from now or 5 years)? How about the adventurer in me? If I'm relying on money to strengthen the channel between myself and the adventurer in me, there will be no flow through that channel if there's no money. The adventurer in us doesn't solely rely on money when some adventures come for free. Are the blockages about spending too much time watching Netflix or maybe they involve a lack of good health and a lot of bad habits which block me from having adventures that demand a greater level of fitness? On and on it goes. Logic says if I unblock the pipelines or channels and find ways to create energetic or exciting flows through a lifestyle that promotes energy production, I should come to life through whatever I choose to channel. All good in theory. The real test comes with practice. Sounds like a project there. 😊