I cant get off this round-a-bout

[Boymum88]

Help!

Busy mum of 3, working FT, relationship of 10 years.

Previously diagnosed with depression & anxiety and recently feeling really crappy. Work is stressful. Life is stressful. Covid is stressful.

My partner is REALLY trying to help us reconnect and be intimate. I understand what and why hes doing it, my little efforts go unnoticed. My energy is constantly being put into work (management position, supporting others constantly) my kids and i admit my relationship is always bottom of my list despite knowing i need him and want him around. Im pushing him away!

I am so tired, all the time. Im so exhausted. Id rather starve than make myself something to eat. I would rather cry in the shower than watch a movie with my kids. Im exhausted from pretending to be ok and maintain this superstar attitude at work. I want to quit it all!

I see the effort my partner is making, i see he is trying but i dont know how to respond. Im so disconnected from the real world that i feel stupid. How do I save my relationship when I am so lost within myself?

-super sad mum xx

[Petal22]

Hi Boymum88,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im really sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand being a mum and working full time would be exhausting.

Have you recently seen a gp in regards to your anxiety and depression and the way you are currently feeling?

Im sorry you are feeling this way with your partner…. Have you been able to talk to your partner about the way you are feeling?

[therising]

Hi Boymum88

First thing I thought of after reading your post is 'I wish I could show up and give you the break you deserve and desperately need'. My heart truly goes out to you.

Being a mum to only 2 kids and working in a part time job, leads me to wonder how you're managing to do all you're doing. No wonder you're so exhausted. Two things that come to mind

1. My 19yo daughter got me onto researching GAS (General Adaptation Syndrome). I'd never heard of it before. When I ran through the list, I thought 'Oh my god, I can fully relate', for this is how I was feeling at the time, not too long ago. I felt I just couldn't cope with the stressors in my life, including caring for 2 aging parents with many challenges. I was in the exhaustion stage described as: 'This final stage is the result of prolonged and chronic stress, draining your physical, emotional, and mental resources to the point where your body no longer has the resources to combat stress. You may feel hopeless, like you want to give up, as you no longer have any strength to fight the battle. This is the stage where you will feel fatigue, burnout, depression, anxiety, and an overall decreased tolerance to stress'. This may sound familiar
2. I came to the realisation that I'm 'The default person'. Many challenges come to me by way of default. This is not always a problem but sometimes it is when there are too many challenges coming in at once. A few examples: My kids won't go to their father for guidance because he doesn't fully listen to them, so they'll come to me. My parents live locally, whereas my brother and sister live about 30 minutes away in either direction. So when my parents need help straight away, they call the person closest. I'm relatively good at managing money, therefor all financial stressors in the household will come to me. So, all of a sudden you become the default or fall back person because of your ability to manage. You've been managing well until you just can't anymore. Btw, it's amazing how many people may complain or lead you to feel guilty when you disappoint your self from the appointed role of 'Default person' or 'Manager of all the things no one else wants to manage or is capable of managing'.

I've come to redefine 'guilt' in a healthy way: It's a prompt for me to consciously ask myself 'Who do I want/need to be right now?'. The answer, 'Someone who's not under so much stress'. 'How do I manage becoming that person?' is the next question.

Look after yourself 🙂